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  #31  
Old 12-15-2011, 09:23 PM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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My first concern was for his welfare and his emotions. It has been 10 weeks since it all came down and it was only recently that started to put energy into thinking about my own loss and my own poly future.
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When we place preconceived expectations on those we love we neglect to consider their individual goals, needs and desires. We fail to respect them and love them for who they really are.
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  #32  
Old 12-15-2011, 09:33 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Another way to think about it. If this was a spirituality blog and Polly's son had been molested by their priest, would it be inappropriate for her, or us, to wonder whether or not she will some day return to the faith? No. It would be if there was no talk of her son's well-being but that's certainly not the case. And RP was in no way pressuring or pushing her, just wondering.

Polly, I imagine the guilt will take a long time to fade. Just keep remembering that this happens to people in all sorts of life situations and that she is in every way the one who was wrong -- not him, as you realize, but also not you. No one ever suspects that someone who they love, and who claims to love them, could be capable of such a thing.
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  #33  
Old 12-15-2011, 09:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Two years and five years are vastly different amounts of time when you're a teen. Five years is far from "slight" at that age. And rape is rape is rape even if you're the same age.
Actually, no, rape is not rape, no matter what. In theory, sure, but not in reality. 5 yrs means NOTHING if both are under-age. It would take 'headlines' to get attention on such a issue.
All it takes is a minor learning disability, or some sort of diagnosed issue, coupled with being a minor, and the person is off the hook scott-free. Cops don`t want to touch that with a 10 ft pole.
Even if it was planned, even if the molester/rapist had an air of authority over the younger victim.

This is something I have had to deal with as a parent many years ago, and again this year. It has been dealt with in 2 different provinces, ( legally), as well as police involvement in an American State.


I can understand pollyshari`s hesitancy over involving the police.
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  #34  
Old 12-15-2011, 09:58 PM
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SG, I want to continue this conversation but don't want to derail Polly's thread, so I'll post a little later on my blog.
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  #35  
Old 12-16-2011, 03:01 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Well I guess the wow is on the other foot. All my comments were made under the impression this was a more recent event. Learning it's 10 weeks old I completely retract my statement to RP I was out of line.

And I get how uncooperative teenagers can be...and their natural instinct or bury things.....I really do. So I'm sensitive to your problem.

I know it easy for me to say but I'll say it anyway ....forget the guilt its a waste of energy....use that energy to move forward...use that energy to heal yourself and family.

Good luck
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  #36  
Old 12-16-2011, 07:32 AM
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I was wondering why the reaction dinged... Do you honestly believe that poly is all I have going on in life that I would make it my "cause." LOL Apology accepted... I'm flabbergasted, but...accepted.

I was imagining you felt guilty polly. I have at times over silly little things like feeling super happy about what I have, but if something happened to my child it would take years to trust anyone again in my life enough to allow them in to my family and into my heart. I don't think poly's the issue at all really, it could of been a mono situation. Some people are just not healthy. I'm glad you have good people around you and that's enough right now. As it should be. I'm sure that given time you will be able to trust again.

I don't have much faith in the policing system either, but I do in therapists and counselors when they are good ones. It might set a good example to go to one yourself. Or at least talk it up a bit. You're right, he likely doesn't understand the ramifications of how what has happened can effect him in the future.

I hope you find people to be around you who are open minded, understanding, empathetic and non-judgmental.
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  #37  
Old 12-16-2011, 08:28 AM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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Thanks guys!

DH, I knew that must have missed some of what I had posted early on, So I simply restated it. I know you are right about the guilt thing, and I am working on it. Especially because I know that even though I don't openly express it around the house doesn't mean son can't sense it, and blames himself for my discomfort. He is actually quite sensitive, just as his father is, and they both deal with it by acting tough.

Hubby comes off a little rough around the edges but he is a marsh mellow teddy bear. The people who are closest to him know this about him. I was on vacation with one of my sisters a few months ago and she told me this story that happened about 15 years ago when she was going through a divorce. She had been spending a lot of time our house and one day she was kind of in a funk and mopey. He said to her, "hey, do ya need anything for your new apartment?" She thought for a minute and suggested that she needed something for the kitchen (I think it was a dish strainer). So he put her in the car and took her to the home improvement store. It was really no big deal but it kinda got her out of the slump. As she finished the story she got teary eyed and said, "I finally got him, he is intuitive and compassionate, I finally understood why you love him......But he is still an asshole". We both went from crying to laughing. He can really be an ass when he wants to. The rest of the weekend every time I would say something good about him she would say he was an ass and we would both giggle.

Back on track now, I also appreciate your expression of urgency to address his emotional needs. I am stuck and overwhelmed and straight talk advice from someone who is removed from the situation has more clarity than the insanity going on inside my head right now.

To you all, thanks for input and perspective. I especially liked Anna's analogy about the priest. This situation doesn't necessarily mean that I have to boycott this part of who I am. I have thought many times that this could and does happen, even if it is a neighbor, clergy, teacher, or a partner in a mono relationship.

We can't all just board up and hide inside, never letting any one in. Wouldn't that look funny, all of these people living solitary lives in their little fortresses. Only going out for supplies and to work, but keeping a safe distance and nothing but minimal interaction. LOL
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When I opened my mind my heart got bigger.

When we place preconceived expectations on those we love we neglect to consider their individual goals, needs and desires. We fail to respect them and love them for who they really are.
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  #38  
Old 05-02-2012, 04:58 AM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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Ever since my relationship with her ended, there has been something missing. I wish.......

I don't even know where to start again. How do I start again? There aren't many like minded people in my world. People around here are afraid of this kind of love. Maybe they should be. I wish I could create or find a new love.
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