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  #11  
Old 12-14-2011, 11:38 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How did you find out?
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  #12  
Old 12-14-2011, 11:57 PM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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Well, I had a suspicion. She had started tickling him and rough housing with him. I asked her what the nature of the relationship with my son was. She smiled and said, "Oh please don't worry about anything like that. He reminds me of my little brother and I miss my family [her hometown is about 1500 mi away] and he just makes me think of what hubby must have been like when he was young. I love him like a little brother."

A few days later I had to go out of town for a week. A few days after I returned I overheard my 2 boys fighting, the younger one [14] told his big brother to go away and leave him alone or he was going to tell mom and dad what big brother and my gf were doing. Big brother became very angry and shoved l'il bro's desk over and went off angrily to his room. I cannot describe the pit in my stomach. They had no idea that had overheard anything.

I waited a few minutes and went to l'il bro's room and started helping him clean up. As we were putting things away I told him I had heard what he said and wondered if he would tell me what he meant. With hesitation he told that he heard something. When I asked what he heard he said he could hear them doing it. (My God, who knows how long he would have carried this secret with him). I said what exactly did you hear? He said he could hear the sex noises coming from big bro's bedroom and she was in there. I didn't push for any more details, this information was enough for me to know that it was time for her to leave my family.
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  #13  
Old 12-15-2011, 12:13 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I don't have to tell you this could be a pretty big deal...right. Have you had a talk with the 16yr old and did he know you were having sex with this girl prior?
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  #14  
Old 12-15-2011, 12:15 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm so sorry Polly, what a terrible shock and violation of trust. Your ex-gf has major problems and should seek help.

But you couldn't have known. You are not to blame. Many women who've lived perfectly "normal" lives -- hetero, mono -- have had to deal with the awful reality of their partner trying something with their kids. Sometimes people are just damaged. It doesn't mean that what you and she had wasn't real, just that there was a damaged side to her you didn't know about. You did the right thing by cutting her loose right away. As sick as it makes me to say, not every woman in your position does the same...
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #15  
Old 12-15-2011, 12:57 AM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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It is a very big deal. Yes, he has been aware of our relationship for a while. I am sure he feels ashamed. But, and maybe I am naive, I don't blame him for this. He had actually come to me a few times and told me that he didn't like her, that she was causing to much drama and he didn't want her around anymore. I asked him what he meant and he would just say that we, (dad and I) were different now. We were different, but there was no unusual drama. Certainly there was the occasional misunderstanding or something, but not ever a big deal.

Hubby and I decided that we didn't want to make a huge deal out of the break up or the reason behind it. So we just simply told her that it wasn't working and listed some legitimate things but did not mention that we knew as we did not want her saying anything to the kids. Big brother didn't even know we knew. She was terribly hurt and told me that I was the worst person that she had ever known. It took every ounce of restraint that I had not to scratch her eyes out. We had a great deal of her stuff stored at our house for her as she had had to downsize to a smaller apartment. So we arranged for her to come over and get it. Her anger with me and hubby was evident while she was here getting some stuff she was saying some pretty crappy things. At one point I saw big brother walk over to her and quietly say, you had better not mess with my family or I will burn you down. I knew what he meant, even though neither them that I knew. She then actually proceeded to physically shove him and scream crazily at him. At this point my adult son stepped in and told her to back the eff off.

At the end of the following day, big brother commented on what great day it had been because it was so stress free. I took this as an opportunity to talk to him. I asked him why her presence had caused so much stress for him He did admit something had happened and in very few words told me that she had put a lot of pressure on him, repeatedly, over time. Essentially she wouldn't give up, and he is a 16 yr old boy [who I believe was a virgin]. It became all to clear to me why the age of consent laws are in place. I could sense his anxiety, I recognized it from my youth and having boys and a few perverted old men try to convince me that I wanted it when I really was freaked out by their advances.

I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said he didn't want to cause any drama. He was protecting me from my heart being broken.

Once she and all of her things were gone and there was no longer any reason for either to contact each other I sent her an email and told that I knew about everything and that she had better not even attempt to contact my son in any way, even if he contacts her first. She of course denied it, in the same sentence she also said that the their feelings were mutual. That all she was doing in his room was helping him with homework. Then she later told me that she had retained an attorney. What ever that is supposed to prove. Anyway my son did show me the proof of the naked pic's she sent him, but he didn't want to go to court, but if he needed to he would divulge everything.
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When we place preconceived expectations on those we love we neglect to consider their individual goals, needs and desires. We fail to respect them and love them for who they really are.
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  #16  
Old 12-15-2011, 01:12 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wow, it sounds like you handled things with amazing sensitivity.

I think that age of consent laws are sometimes misused in cases where the age difference is slight (a 16 year old and an 18 year old) but cases like this are exactly what they're designed for. Teens who are ready for sexual activity should get the chance to experiment with a peer.

Your ex is either delusional or completely amoral. I'm sure you'll continue to be very alert and careful, just in case she does anything crazy.

It sounds like your son is very strong, despite the manipulation he fell prey to. I think he will be ok.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #17  
Old 12-15-2011, 01:12 AM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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Annabelle your words a very comforting. Thank you. I keep telling myself that while I don't the "normal" boundaries in my marriage it doesn't mean that I have no boundaries. What consenting adults do is one thing. What she did is completely different. When I saw the anger and rage he had towards her (which he was finally able to show when she was here gathering the last of her things) I knew that he had been carrying the anger around with him.
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When I opened my mind my heart got bigger.

When we place preconceived expectations on those we love we neglect to consider their individual goals, needs and desires. We fail to respect them and love them for who they really are.
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  #18  
Old 12-15-2011, 01:20 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post

I think that age of consent laws are sometimes misused in cases where the age difference is slight (a 16 year old and an 18 year old) but cases like this are exactly what they're designed for. Teens who are ready for sexual activity should get the chance to experiment with a peer.
I used to think that. Then had someone close to me reveal that they were orally-sex raped by a 17 yr old when they were 12. To much time passed, and not a damn thing they could do about it.

pollyshari :

I am so sorry to read what you and your family have been through.
I think you handled it with a level of class, most people wouldn`t be able to find in their pain and sadness.
I also think the lesson you have taught your son ( by getting rid of this woman immediately.) will help him as an adult more then you can ever know right now.

Cyber hugs.
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  #19  
Old 12-15-2011, 01:37 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I think that age of consent laws are sometimes misused in cases where the age difference is slight (a 16 year old and an 18 year old)
Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
I used to think that. Then had someone close to me reveal that they were orally-sex raped by a 17 yr old when they were 12.
Two years and five years are vastly different amounts of time when you're a teen. Five years is far from "slight" at that age. And rape is rape is rape even if you're the same age.

I'm sorry about what happened to your friend. I had a couple of close calls as a young teen (inappropriate camp counselor, young adult male who pretended to be my friend and then almost assaulted me) but I'm extraordinarily lucky that I managed to get away without being harmed.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #20  
Old 12-15-2011, 02:04 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I guess I'm ok with pointing out the obvious sexism here. If a guy did this to a 16 yr girl everyone would want his head on a pike ...me included. Why?

Whats next for the boys? You may want to talk to a therapist and layout what happened and find out the possible problems and what to look for down the road.
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