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Old 12-14-2011, 03:07 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 40
Default Wife thinks that I am neglecting her in favour of my secondary. She's right.

Been married for twelve years now. We opened up our relationship eleven years ago. Been in a relationship for nineteen years.

Here's the thing, ever since she started seeing another man, somebody that she works with, I haven't felt the same.

I think that she was having an affair with him before bringing up the whole poly thing with me. She says that she didn't. Stopped caring, it's all water under the bridge now and I don't hold onto this sort of stuff.

Hard to say why I felt differently. Maybe there's a bit of jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, or pure pettiness to it. Hell, maybe there's an evolutionary reason for it. Damned if I know. Whatever it is, everytime she goes on a date with him, I emotionally distance myself from her. Initially, it was a subconscious thing. Didn't even notice it.

When it started getting noticable, she stopped seeing the coworker. I stopped emotionally distancing myself from her but I didn't become any closer to her either. We spent about a year trying to close that distance. Better than it was, but it didn't compare to our mono relationship. There was no point in her not seeing the coworker, since the doors were already opened. Back she went.

About three years ago, I figured "well, fuck it", and got out of my pity party. I started dating an ex-gf of mine. We broke up years ago mostly because of my stupidity. The relationship was getting serious so I freaked and got the hell out of Dodge. One of my biggest regrets was breaking her heart.

My wife doesn't like all the attention that I'm giving my gf. My moniker refers to her. As the title says, she thinks that I am neglecting her in favour of my secondary. She's right.

What I find ridiculous, is that we had a number of huge talks about how things could go down when she rekindled her relationship with this other guy. I told her how I felt, where I stood, what I thought about our relationship, and where things were likely to go. She's still surprised by this outcome.

What I want to know is, with the information that I've given out, am I really the bad guy for neglecting my wife for my secondary?
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Tags
hierarchy, marriage vs. polyamory, primary, secondaries, secondary, trust issues

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