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  #11  
Old 12-12-2011, 03:34 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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You want advice on how to get a (very mature) 22yr old au par who you had a 9 month affair with.... back into your house and have your wife of 20yrs be ok with it. That's called a miracle. The laws of the universe don't work that way.
You could try hypnosis ....no... not for your wife for you. This NRE condition can be a very destructive force, and most people while under the influence can't seem to accurately calculate the downside of things until they've lost those things. So I'd be very careful. You need to look up NRE.

Good luck ... and please let us know what happens.
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  #12  
Old 12-13-2011, 12:56 AM
grim64 grim64 is offline
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NRE.......i know what it means and in answer to that and others....well, this started nearly 2 years ago and she's been gone for maybe well over 12 months.....

I really wanted her leaving to be the end of things and assumed it was.....unfortunately its just got worse since that point.

Maybe the idea of us all together is completely crazy but as 2 of the three in this want that to at least try and happen I have to see how it goes.....
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  #13  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grim64 View Post
Maybe the idea of us all together is completely crazy but as 2 of the three in this want that to at least try and happen I have to see how it goes.....
Sorry, but I have to say: This isn't a question of democratic majority. If one person in your equation isn't happy and the others say "Well, let's go with it, we are two and we think this should work, so suck it up and try." You failed big time in regard to what a relationship should provide for all persons involved. Your wife has the same right to feel happy and fulfilled in her relationship as you want to be. And from what you described, she doesn't seem to be on the same page.
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  #14  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:46 PM
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Grim, you were dishonest, and a cheater. Your wife did not kick you out but told you it's either her or the au pair (who very well could just want to be with you for a free place to stay). Now, you say you love your wife but you are so fixated on this other chick. You just want what you want and now are being totally selfish. What about investing in the marriage that you broke with your lying and cheating? What about getting back to a place of solid partnership with the woman you betrayed? Have you romanced your wife lately? Taken her out, allowed yourself to feel the depth of the hurt you caused her? Fix that shit first before you start telling yourself it's okay to move the au pair in so you can fuck around again. Either that, or listen to your wife, know she means business, and move out. She made it plain what your choices are. Time to snap out of your daydream and wake up.
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  #15  
Old 12-14-2011, 01:25 PM
grim64 grim64 is offline
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Wow, nothing like a balanced point of view eh?

thanks.............
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  #16  
Old 12-14-2011, 01:44 PM
grim64 grim64 is offline
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Yes i still 'romance' my wife, we get on despite whats happened/happening very well, still have a loving active sex life and i still care for her and look after her intensely.

The person looking for a 'free place to stay' is not an au-pair anymore and works in a career in europe and will likely stay there to develop that over time and would only move here if that could work here to. If it were possible she wants her own career in amongst our very successful family (my wife and i are both executive level senior managers in large global corporations).

I find it hard to believe that those here who can seem very aggressive and dismissive all have Poly relationships that come out of a 'no hurt to anyone' beginning......

I will only do this if its a happy situation for all involved, whether its liked or loathed here, yes i did cheat on my wife but i love her completely.....the problem is i also now love someone else. That person is now successful in what she's begun and does not as you imply 'need' me or us, she wants to be with 'me' and 'us'.

The age thing i couldn't care less about, luckily my wife at 42 looks nothing like her age at all and neither do I. Theres a wide variance in the way 40 somethings behave, some are 40, on route to retirement, others are very fit, very active and young at heart.....us!

There is much information on this forum thats been helpful......and my earlier comment of 2 out of 3 wanting this was not imposing something at all, it was meant to say that as a result it was worth discussion between us all.

Ultimately my wife is my wife and the other person is not.....a decision one way or another will have to be made and either way it will upset someone.

Judgement comments don't help but i suspect there are a few who tune in here who simply detest the fact this began out of an affair.

Thats life i'm afraid......

Last edited by grim64; 12-14-2011 at 01:46 PM.
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  #17  
Old 12-14-2011, 02:18 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think everyone here is genuinely trying to be helpful, some do that by nudging some by pushing, but if you do more reading here you will see that people get a range of responses, including those whose relationships started as affairs. Maybe try a tag search for cheating and see what you find.

I think the negativity you're getting comes primarily from a couple of things.

One, you haven't yet acknowledged here any responsibility or remorse for the affair. You've instead said "We all got very drunk one night and to cut a long story short it resulted in me having an affair" and "it just happened and carried on" and "I really wanted her leaving to be the end of things" and "Thats life i'm afraid". All of these wordings imply that this is just something that happened to you that you had no control over. Maybe that's not how you really feel but we can't hear tone or see body language here, we can only go on your words and your words are saying that you don't see this as your fault.

Taking the stance that in some way the actions you take out of passion are beyond your control is extremely dangerous in poly. And while I don't think anyone wants you to crawl in a depressive hole about it, it implies to us a certain lack of empathy from you towards your wife for you to come here and not express regret for deceiving her for 9 months. A simple "I feel so bad for betraying her", if it happens you do, would go a long way.

Two, you've spoken in very little detail about your wife's thoughts on the matter. Again, maybe this is not how you really feel, but when her voice is largely absent it makes it seem like you're more interested in having us help you figure out how to get what you want, rather than in crafting a solution that will work best for everyone. Again, it makes it seem like you don't feel much empathy for her when you don't focus on her role in this drama. When you do mention her feelings you then immediately counter with why that won't work for you -- "my wife sometimes seems to say things about it that suggest she has thought about and then she ver anti the idea but i know its what i want" and "My wife has said 'well you have to choose'.....but i can't".

Polyq4 did ask above "have you had discussions with your wife in detail about this? What has she said?" and if you're still looking for advice we could probably give it much better with that information. Her feelings matter too here and while in your last post you acknowledge that, your previous posts haven't seemed to do so. Thus the negativity.

One more bit about the lack of info, we guess at things like the former au pair's motives because until your last post we knew so little about her aside from the fact that she worked for you and was a partner in this affair. We can't respond to nuance if we don't know what it is, y'know.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-14-2011 at 02:23 PM.
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  #18  
Old 12-14-2011, 03:06 PM
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One more thought on the responses you've been getting.

If it were simply that you wanted to continue both relationships, I think people would still support your wife's right to say no, and might still have some harsh advice for you, but they would also probably be more sympathetic to you. But what you're talking about is moving "the other woman" into your home which will be FAR more disruptive and possibly much more painful for your wife, not to mention the disruption it will cause for your children if things go poorly.

It's a step that should only be undertaken very thoughtfully and in an atmosphere of respect, trust, and stability, which takes time to develop. A secret affair with an employee/friend plus a mutual longing from afar does not a stable relationship make.

The fact that you do not seem to be willing to consider a less drastic alternative, a compromise that could be easier on your wife, comes across as callous and strange. People have mentioned the idea of continuing the relationship without moving her in at this point and you haven't responded to that idea, so we can only assume you've rejected it. Do you see what I'm saying?
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  #19  
Old 12-14-2011, 09:05 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I wasn't trying to be aggressive or dismissive ...just looking at the situation and giving my honest opinion.

Problems you face. 1. cheating/betrayal 2. Mid life change up ...I call restless heart syndrome 3. Established wive feeling she's being replaced by younger newer model...hard to argue.
4. Staunch philosophical resistance from wife

I can see each one individually being a major sticking point or deal breaker ..all in concert together ...sorry ...just don't see how get over all of them. Could you do it.. sure ...god bless you...and please let us know how you did it.

Rolls reversed this nice young 22yr old guy comes to your country to help his uncle with his landscaping business. This kid spends alot of time around your wife ....yada yada yada they have an 8 month sexual affair.... your wife admits to actually falling in love with the lad and wants him to move in with you. You never saw it coming. What do say ....how would that work ...out side of free yard work?
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  #20  
Old 12-14-2011, 09:23 PM
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I agree with A on what she said. I wanted to add that there seems to be a disconnect for you about how moving someone in will effect everyone. It sounds to me that you are making an assumption that this young woman would want to be taken care of monetarily or at least that this is what you would do because you can afford it. Apart from the fact that she seems to be creating her own success in life and doesn't need your money, this issue of moving in has nothing to do with money or taking the responsibility of money out of someone's hands. This is to do with emotions, creating a healthy home and life for each person involved, including kids.

Read the tags under "moving in." There are very few, if any success stories with the situaion you describe. I personally have responded to many people who have stopped posting here (embarassed, ashamed, don't want to be a downer) that have not had success when rushing partners into their house, or moving them in to take care of them, or expecting a spouse who has been cheated on to accept a new woman at a stage when she is mourning the loss of her relationship as she knew it and feeling the repercussions of betrayal and deception. As far as I have known for the 15 years of being poly and three years of writing here it just is not a good idea. These things take time and process, as I mentioned in my last post.

Why doesn't it work? Well, kids get attached and then are left hurt when they are told "love your other mother (or something of the like)" and then she is gone after a time. This woman might of been an au par, but she and they will see a difference. She is not hired, she is your lover. Big difference. Your wife will likely feel she needs to give up time with you, she might feel second best, that she is not enough, that you are still sneaking around behind her back, that you really don't love her, that she has to consider someone else in her life that is forced on her. The other woman might feel second best, that she has no say in her living situation, that she gets the dregs of your time, that the wife always comes first and both might find that they resent each other causing a big fat elephant of drama in the room every moment of our lives. You have a huge task. I know something of that task and I can tell you, it is mostly about time management, stuffing my own shit because my loves have issues and having very little me time.

I don't envy your situation but I am here to tell you I think you need to be realistic. If you do decide to move her in please let us know how that goes. I love to be wrong about this stuff. Seriously, I love to eat my words when people show me their success and happiness. It makes my day because bottom line is that I like to know people have created successful relationship dynamics.
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