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Old 12-14-2011, 04:06 AM
Bathory68 Bathory68 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Oklahoma
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if you are having problems this will not fix it -it will make it worse or destroy it. it sounds like he is bored or trying to validate what he wants to do outside the relationshop by bringing it to the relationship. poly is hard- it stretches even the most mature generous person to the limts of sanity and emotional capacity more often than not. i would suggest counseling. another person wont fix the intimacy or what is lacking between the two of u. i joined a married couple-we have been together for and live together for 1 1/2 years...what you think you are agreeing too doesnt always work out that wauy..realtionships and emotions are unpredictable...i iwish you luck
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Old 12-17-2011, 05:04 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

Originally Posted by Lila View Post
It's only come to light recently, but this drama was all sparked by a particular woman at work, he invited her out for a drink and asked if they could be friends, they went for a drink but fortunately she got a different vibe from him and hasn't really spoken to him since (she told him she didn't need anymore married douche bags in her life!) even though he was adamant (to her) that he just wanted a friendship... she must have seen through him. He still feels that maybe they are "soul mates" because of the "energy" he still feels between them (even though they don't speak and she won't even respond to his emails!) So what "energy" could that be?....(I still think NRE)...

To think that he still had the nerve to come home and tell me that he'd met someone that he "wanted to go camping with, just as friends", because he thought he could learn a lot from her! "why can't a male and female just be friends?" he said)

I could sense he wasn't quite telling me everything, but I still helped him write an email to her the next morning as a damage limitation exercise! but this was before he admitted his true feelings for her about a month later (last week actually). Then it all made so much sense!

They will both be attending their work xmas party this Friday, so I'm hoping she still continues to give him the cold shoulder! I must admit, I will be super anxious until Friday night is over! He said he won't initiate any further conversation with her (ie: he is waiting for HER to see the light!) but you know how one can be after a couple of drinks!
I just read your thread and right from the start I suspected, "He's already got a specific woman IN MIND." Are you sure you know what's really going on with him and this woman? ("I could sense he wasn't quite telling me everything..." -- do you get this sense OFTEN?)

Oh, sweetie, I am feeling for you. My marriage is probably ending after we tried poly. It brought to light all the things in our relationship I was in denial about. Take a good hard look at your marriage and decide if it's worth risking, because poly is a huge risk for a shaky marriage. It broke mine -- but mine had lots of unsurmountable problems that I never saw before. The RADICAL HONESTY that poly requires exposed the delusions of our marriage! Had we seen these things BEFORE we engaged in love affairs with others, perhaps we could have worked them through. But the romance with other people led us so far from each other, the bond between us stretched too thin and it broke.

The chemicals released during sex are so powerful. How could it possibly help our already struggling relationship, for those chemicals to be released WITH AN OUTSIDE PARTY??? In our case, we both bonded with others, and stopped bonding with each other.

Back to my earlier question -- if you get the sense often that he is "not quite telling you everything," then you are probably right, he's probably not. And in poly, THAT WILL ONLY GET WORSE. My husband became a total lying jackass. Some of his lies (to me) may have been to "spare my feelings," some (to his girlfriend) were to perpetuate their little fantasy, but they were lies, nonetheless. My whole marriage turned into one big guessing game. When I started taking a harder look, I saw that there were problems, all along.

INSIST on counseling before you will even consider polyamory!!! I cannot stress this enough. You have little ones to think about. I am so sorry about your pregnancy. You show such healthy acceptance of the circumstances beyond your control, it amazes me. You seem like a very strong person. Even if that little life inside you is fleeting, it is a wonderful gift that you have just for today. Every second its heart is beating is a miracle to treasure. It seems like you are doing just that. You have the true heart of a mother. Thanks for coming to the forum and sharing your story.
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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marriage vs. polyamory, opening a relationship

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