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  #1  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:10 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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Default Falling in love

So I have realized that over the years that I have fallen in love easily. I have also realized that when I fall in love, I seem to have the ability to 'hold it' back. Almost like an hold button. Maybe it's like a protection button. However once I let the hold go....

So my questions here are;

1) do you think it's wrong to be able to fall in love quickly
2) are there ores out here like myself who feel the same way?
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Old 12-13-2011, 01:33 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Originally Posted by polyq4 View Post
So I have realized that over the years that I have fallen in love easily. I have also realized that when I fall in love, I seem to have the ability to 'hold it' back. Almost like an hold button. Maybe it's like a protection button. However once I let the hold go....

So my questions here are;

1) do you think it's wrong to be able to fall in love quickly
2) are there ores out here like myself who feel the same way?
I have, in the past, fallen in love fairly quickly, and I also seem to have a built-in hold button.

That's a pretty good combination, really.

I think the question of right or wrong is not really relevant. Being in love is a matter of psychological fact; it just happens. It's what you do about it that matters, ethically speaking. The "hold button" suggests something like the virtue of self-control, and is something that can and should be cultivated and refined.

The trick is to figure out when it might be appropriate to release the button, and let things roll.

I think of falling in love as a beginning, not as an end. I take it as a motivation to find out about the person I'm in love with, to see what kind of relationship - if any - might be possible.

The interesting part of the relationship, I think, is when the fierce urgency of being in love fades away. The test is whether you've built something more lasting in the mean time.

And, when a relationship doesn't pan out, or doesn't even get started, having been in love can leave a kind of residue of affection and goodwill . . . and that, I think, is a good thing.
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Old 12-13-2011, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by polyq4 View Post
1) do you think it's wrong to be able to fall in love quickly
2) are there ores out here like myself who feel the same way?
I don't really understand your questions. How would it be wrong? That doesn't make sense to me. Are you looking for some validation or proof that you're either doing something the right way or wrong way?
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Old 12-13-2011, 01:52 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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I don't really understand your questions. How would it be wrong? That doesn't make sense to me. Are you looking for some validation or proof that you're either doing something the right way or wrong way?
No I am not looking for validation. I am just thinking of the girlfriends I have had in the past (with the exception of my ex). I fell in love with all of them fairly quickly. One to whom I am married with. Every one of them still talks to me, and I realized a little while ago, I still love them and could easily start where I left off with them.

My wife whom I loved in high school but didn't do anything about back then because she was dating someone else and I didn't have enough self-worth to think really anyone would love me, when we connected it was very easy for me. (we connected 15 years after high school.)

Of course I question all these things of myself, is my love for them given to easy, is it less valuable because I can form these loves quickly, I guess I don't think so.

And I guess for the women, if we connected and I fell in love with you relatively quickly how would you feel. A lot of people on the board here talk about doing everything slowly....
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Old 12-13-2011, 01:59 PM
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And I guess for the women, if we connected and I fell in love with you relatively quickly how would you feel. A lot of people on the board here talk about doing everything slowly....
Seems to me, that's what the "hold button" is for!
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Old 12-13-2011, 02:05 PM
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A lot of people on the board here talk about doing everything slowly....
Yeah, well, shit, you can proceed slowly in a relationship even if you already love that person. I see moving slowly as keeping a level head, pacing oneself in terms of commitments and entanglements, not necessarily stopping yourself from loving - how does that work, anyway? I can't do it, LOL.

I love easily and quickly, too. I fall in love a little bit with strangers several times a day. If one's heart is open... love happens. It's a beautiful thing!
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Old 12-13-2011, 02:05 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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This may sound silly, but I think it depends on how you define falling in love. Some people would define a sense of connection and strong positive feelings for someone they haven't known as long as infatuation, not love. What does falling in love mean to you?

Some people might argue that being able to press the "hold" button on your feelings mean it's not really love yet... being able to put a hold on your actions, of course, is a necessary skill and a totally different thing. Which does your hold button control, feelings, actions, or both?
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Old 12-13-2011, 02:36 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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This may sound silly, but I think it depends on how you define falling in love. Some people would define a sense of connection and strong positive feelings for someone they haven't known as long as infatuation, not love. What does falling in love mean to you?
I can only speak for myself, but I don't view the strong, intense attraction that I feel at the beginning of a relationship (NRE) as "love" per se. I'm a bit biased, because I've studied the chemistry behind attraction various times in my education, and knowing that that first level of butterflies in the stomach and obsessive thinking about the person, and wanting to spend every waking moment with them, etc. is really just your body releasing various chemicals (like dopamine) in your body, I just see it as a chemical reaction.

A very lovely, and highly enjoyable chemical reaction, don't get me wrong!!

For me, love comes later, when all of those chemicals have rebalanced and you are seeing the person as they really are (not through dopamine-colored glasses), and you care for them and want to do nice things for them, and they are the first person (or persons!) you think of when something good happens or something bad happens or you see something that makes you laugh. It's the deeper knowledge that they really SEE you, faults and quirks and all, and accept and enjoy you in their lives. It's working together and compromising, it's giving and taking-- that to me is love.

I've had great attractions with people that never developed into love. That doesn't mean they weren't valuable relationships, just that the basic compatibility between us didn't survive the loss of the chemical booster we had in the beginning. I still enjoyed those relationships for what they were.

As for speed of attraction, I do think that some people get attracted much easier than others, and there's nothing wrong or right with that, it just is the way they're wired.

And like others have said, whether or not you "fall" for someone quick or slowly, that doesn't -- or shouldn't -- control your speed at acting on those feelings or letting a relationship develop fully. I do sometimes see people who get that feeling and then act recklessly. breaking up relationships and families, and making huge decisions and moves because they are "under the influence". Which is why most people around here will tell you to give a relationship a good year or 18 months before making any big decisions to allow for time for the NRE to pass.
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Old 12-13-2011, 10:17 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Also...unless you came here and said "I fall in love quickly, and it turns out that I regret it because I make bad choices" the only big thing I'd worry about is if you don't make sure your wife understands this, or if you let it affect how you are treating your wife/other partners, when falling in love with somebody new.

I've only been "IN" love three times, though I've loved other partners. The first time it took three days. This last time (20 years later) it took 5 months, though I put on the brakes (via that hold button you speak of) after a couple of months until I felt it was smarter/safer to go there. I do remember when I was younger and dated more that I considered myself fickle because I could decide a person wasn't suitable to see anymore and turn any warm fuzzy feelings off. Generally smart decisions in retrospect, but I do feel like it'd be rewarding now to let my feelings just go where they wanted a bit more often without all the caution.

Sheesh, I think I'm feeling a bit envious, I'd like to fall in love a bit more often, you guys make it sound like fun. I haven't had much in the way of NRE in my life. I get too practical.

And if somebody was to fall in love with me quickly - well I think if they told me they loved me before it'd been a minimum of two months I'd feel a bit weird & skeptical about it. Three months I would probably feel like they had really thought things through and weren't going to change their mind, or that they weren't just a NRE addict.

If I had any inkling an early declaration of love from a new partner was causing behavior that was negatively affecting their other relationships I'd likely be uncomfortable enough to consider not seeing them anymore. Of course I suppose if I was falling quickly for them too I might lose perspective and be too focused on how awesome things were to be paying attention to metamours or my own partners feelings.
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Old 12-13-2011, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
And if somebody was to fall in love with me quickly - well I think if they told me they loved me before it'd been a minimum of two months I'd feel a bit weird & skeptical about it. Three months I would probably feel like they had really thought things through and weren't going to change their mind, or that they weren't just a NRE addict.

If I had any inkling an early declaration of love from a new partner was causing behavior that was negatively affecting their other relationships I'd likely be uncomfortable enough to consider not seeing them anymore. Of course I suppose if I was falling quickly for them too I might lose perspective and be too focused on how awesome things were to be paying attention to metamours or my own partners feelings.
Here's where I distinguish between love and in love. I use in love to mean the neurochemical addiction so clearly described by Minxxa. I use love to mean the more enduring and clear-eyed affection and mutual commitment that may or may not be associated with the neurochemical addiction.

(Being in love may or may not lead to love, and it may be possible for there to be love without first going through the neurochemical haze of being in love.)

(Or so it seems to me.)

To make an unqualified declaration of love on the basis of feeling in love is a common but serious error, at least as I understand the terms. I agree it would take some months to even begin to figure out whether there's any basis for such a declaration.

What I would say to someone with whom I was in love would be something to the effect of: "I'm really interested in spending time with you and getting to know you; I'd like the chance to find out what's possible between us" . . . though likely not in those exact words, which seem kind of nerdy to me.

(But then, I am kind of a nerd.)

And don't be too envious, Anne. I've been dealing with a neurochemical addiction lately without any real prospect of even finding out whether anything is possible with the individual in question.

It's complicated.

For my money, being in love isn't really all that great. At least, it's not an end in itself.
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Last edited by hyperskeptic; 12-13-2011 at 11:11 PM.
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