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  #11  
Old 11-10-2009, 02:47 AM
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First off, I would like to thank everyone for their replies. Perhaps Mono is right, maybe I'm looking for a "manual" from a group of people with varying experience. However, I did not mean to elicit personal information or become this posting interloper.

It's true that the boundaries are different for everyone, I think that's why I was interested to know them. Not because I would use them in my own experience., but because I find the concepts and reasonings behind them interesting in themselves...the whys and the hows ect.....So yes I can see how that is terribly personal, and I would totally understand not wanting to share them with others.

But I think there is merit in exploring this, as I'm sure we all have...

I think I made it clear that my conflict with myself is what I am exploring. I'm writing it out so that I can see with my own eyes what I really feel about this. I am exploring my own hesitations, and weaknesses. I am interested, in a spiritual sense, in facing that which I fear the most. Moving headlong into a frightful situation and overcoming it.....Like I did with quiting smoking.

Overcoming cigarettes made me feel like I could do anything....including letting go of the woman I love more than anyone........

this is a huge spiritual test for me.

Please understand, i mean no disrespect by asking personal things.
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  #12  
Old 11-10-2009, 02:53 AM
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No one thinks you are being disrespectful my friend. I also found this forum as a way to work through my own issues. Redpepper then joined and the rest is history ....ok..not all smiles LOL!

I understand where you are coming from now. I have posted many of my most personal thoughts around my boundaries and you are more than welcome to use any of my experiences in learning about yourself. I apologize if I came off as anything but sharing.

Hope you find what you are looking for and feel free to ask anything
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  #13  
Old 11-10-2009, 03:32 AM
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Thanks Mono...I appreciate that. This transaction has helped more than you know.

My wife and I had a discussion tonight, again. This time she was asking me if I had been able to read two books we purchased

"The Ethical Slut"
and "Opening Up"

She has already read one of them. I told her that I had not, but that I was looking into other avenues for information as well as reading the latter. She wanted to know what I had posted and I told her to the best of my memory. I told her about some of the responses I received. (I said nothing but nice things)

Then I asked her if she had spoken to her friend....I will call him Scott. She said she had and that he seemed interested in a relationship with my wife. At that moment something deep in me did not want to know the answer to the question. My stomach began to get queasy, like it is now.I lost my appetite. I felt anxious and cold. I began to shiver a little.

But then I realized that Scott and her have a long history together online...they roleplay together with characters and scenarios and the friendship fufills a creative side to her, that makes her happy. So I somehow become happy for her and glad that he's the one she wants to try a relationship with. This all in the span of about 3 minutes.....bi-polar perhaps

The physical manifestations are extremely interesting to me. At worst it is seething with jealousy, at the same time, turned on, and sometimes nauseated. Then I remember myself and it goes away.

Then she asks me about my prospects. I begin to tell her that I am NOT, at this moment, interested in a long term relationship. I am interested in short term and non-commital. Ideally a long term relationship is what I'm looking for but now I want to explore the field, so to speak. I tell her that I have a couple of prospects, but that one was a longshot. My mood changes from nervous to confident, but still uninterested in the food.

*The waitress keeps looking at me, so I make eye contact. She is beautiful, and I want to approach her but I don't because I don't want to offend my wife sitting across from....*

Crap!
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  #14  
Old 11-10-2009, 03:47 AM
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Normally I would warn you away from the Ethical Slut but because you are both opening up and admittedly you are looking to play the field...I hold a lot of respect in your honesty by the way..then I think it would be good for you. When you read it, think of it from your perspective and how you want to achieve your relationship goals. It is not a book for those trying to deal with a one sided open or poly relationship in my opinion. It is however the most popular self help book for those looking to open up for themselves.

I must admit I have little to offer in regards to your situation but I wish you the best of everything and thank you for being so honest.

Take care
Peace and love
Mono
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  #15  
Old 11-10-2009, 06:21 AM
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Joined this forum specifically to reply to this post:

Honestly your wife sounds asexual. I can say this because I myself am an asexual recently in a polyamorous relationship. How it works for us it my two partners (who are pretty damn sexual) handle that part of their relationship, and we share the rest of it.

An asexual is defined as a person who does not experience sexual attraction. That doesn't mean we don't experience emotional or necessarily physical attraction, just that sex is optional rather than required. It usually means we have no sex drive, and in the case we have one (some of us do) it ends at masturbation. There is no desire to involve another person. That's not to say an asexual can't have sex; I very well could if I could work up enough interest...it's just so much work to do so it feels like a chore. Haha.

Of course she could just be hyposexual or any other variety of things, but asexuality is an option (and there are more of us than you think )

I recommend asexuality.org if you're interested.

Last edited by Ame; 11-10-2009 at 06:48 AM.
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  #16  
Old 11-10-2009, 07:14 AM
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Wow, cool, thanks for sharing that Ame...!! very interesting.

I have been reading along and I honestly can't seem to muster up on single boundary... I sit here knowing that my husband is getting his dick sucked as we speak and it congers up nothing but a smile....

After a time it just seems like everyday life I guess. It wasn't always, but after a shit load of work, most of which I have written about at length on here, it all flows and seems sooo natural. Why aren't others doing this?!

Okay I will try to conjure up some as I should probably do that at some point....

1. no unsafe sex EVER!!! Lots of discussions and testing must happen before fluid bonding.
2. tell each other where we are and who we are with
3. remember our first responsibility is to our child and his family life.
4. things go as fast as the one who is the least comfortable allows. If one of us is uncomfortable then we slow down to their speed of dealing.
5. honesty and openness always... with tact and in the spirit of being respectful of each others boundaries of knowing details.
6. it's mandatory to know each others lovers. If they don't pass the others inspection and interview (tongue in cheek!) then they are vetoed out.

that's all I can think of for now......
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Last edited by redpepper; 11-10-2009 at 07:24 AM.
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  #17  
Old 11-10-2009, 12:54 PM
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Awesome RP....Thanks for sharing that with me.

Ame - I think your pretty close. For her I think perhaps the newness of a good relationship can get her going, but it fizzles pretty fast. Her fiance, before she met me cheated on her because of this same thing. I held in there and I'm glad I did. The rewards are becoming apparent.

Rules:
1) Condoms/testing, no diseases, no babies.
2) No having sex in our bed/house
3) Calling in if I am going to be late, and giving a days notice if I am going over night. which can get tricky. She was very specific about this.
4) I go first. Now, she already has a guy she is working with, but as it comes to sex, I go first.
5) I get sick, she's needs me to get her in a broke down car, I/she has to drop what we are doing with anyone a help out, so to speak.
6) I need, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, reassurance that I am the primary and considered first as it comes to relationships. Her the same, we need to do things for each other on a regular basis. A card, flowers, anything that does that......At least in the beginning. .

Wow, we had more than I thought.

She doesn't need to know my lovers, but if I have found a special one, she would meet her. She does seem very interested though and will probably ask anyway.

Last edited by beatbox151; 11-10-2009 at 12:57 PM.
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  #18  
Old 11-10-2009, 04:17 PM
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Default Awesome posts

Great questions, great support.

And I think a lot of people who found this lifestyle realized that Monogamy was stifling all aspects of their lives.

When we made this leap into our new chapter in our lives, all of that changed. All fears were lost when confronting or sharing our lives with one another. Our communication was like switching from dialup to high speed wifi. And because of that, all the aspects of our lives that were stifled were aloud to thrive (and it is amazing!)

One thing I have to say is that there is more pleasing is being in the presence of someone you are attracted to and your primary or theirs. When my wife's boyfriend came over to talk with me and her, it was one of the best experiences I've had out of all of this.

I think having my wife know my lovers is actually a necessity. A: she is my best friend, so why would I not want her to know about my love life. She is the one that will put that relationship into perspective and be able to help me think it out, and vice versa. And believe me, it won't exactly be easy, and you will need to talk it out at times.

One thing I see in all of the really helpful advice posts is "Communicate" and I cannot stress it enough!.
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  #19  
Old 11-10-2009, 06:36 PM
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Beatbox, I would add to my list your 2 and 5 and a variation of your 3. Thanks for those reminders.

I would agree entirely on knowing who my husband is involved with. That way we can talk about them and his situation.

I have a thing about knowing who is touching him. It makes me feel closer to them somehow so why would I not want to know who I feel closer to. Does that make sense?
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  #20  
Old 11-10-2009, 06:48 PM
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Default Red Pepper:

I really think we kinda grok about the whole total disclosure thing.
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