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  #41  
Old 12-13-2011, 05:21 AM
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RadiantHeart RadiantHeart is offline
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Lila, my sweet . . . If he loved you he would not just basically say to you "this is the way I am get used to it". You entered into a monogamous marriage with him and he feels he has changed. If you are not wanting to allow another into your marriage via liason or partner than to you it is still a monogamous marriage and if he "does what is in his nature" he is commiting adultry and intentionally hurting you - because HE HAS BEEN TOLD by you that you do not approve and want nothing to do with any non-mono relationship. If he has changed and can't control himself than he should do what is right and dissolve the mono-marriage because if he stays with you he will hurt you. This would be a sign of love: amicable parting where you both can find love again and your child doesn't suffer.

He is being selfish by expecting YOU to cope with his indiscretions and weakness. Don't let him hold your marriage over you as leverage to stay together. By saying he will still pursue "his journey", he has basically told you he is willing to abandon your feelings along it . . . THAT is not love!!!

Love & Strength to you Dear! I know this is hard for you. Just remember, that anyone who loves you should take into account your feelings and that thier love for you should not be conditionary. <3
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  #42  
Old 12-13-2011, 05:29 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
... so I can understand ... a partner who feels love for another woman.
Honey, what he's feeling for her ain't love!

I am curious - did he respond to all the comments we made about being there for you and your child during this difficult, heart-wrenching pregnancy? Or has he just got tunnel vision about putting his dick somewhere it doesn't belong?
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-13-2011 at 05:32 AM.
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  #43  
Old 12-13-2011, 07:06 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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I know, I've tried to tell him that I don't think it's love but he won't listen, he does have tunnel vision...but there comes a point when I think it would be better for them to get together just so he can see that she's only human like the rest of us, with faults and imperfections. Until then, she will always be mystically all-attractive in her un-attainability, just like Bardot or Monroe.

He knows it's his "duty" to be here for me, but admits he's stuck around more for our son than anything else.
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  #44  
Old 12-13-2011, 07:19 AM
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Yes . . . But what about YOU, Lila? That is the concern. What of you and your feelings? What of your heart? <3
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  #45  
Old 12-13-2011, 07:21 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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I agree, it seems like he's just trying avoid the title of "adulterer" by adding a "spiritual" dimension to the whole idea. Just recently, due to various audiobooks he's been listening to (Mastery of Love, etc) he now sees himself as "highly intuitive" (but unfortunately NOT so sensitive!) He wakes up with a "warm glow" in his heart and butterflies in his stomach (lucky him!) Therefore, his "feelings" (which he admits are totally out of his control) are now being bestowed on him by "the universe" trying to tell him that there's more to life, he believes his destiny awaits....I told him, OK your thoughts and feelings may be beyond your control, but your ACTIONS are certainly controllable!
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  #46  
Old 12-13-2011, 07:33 AM
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Me and my feelings don't seem to be much of a concern at the moment, but I guess if I can survive all this crap - then I'm much stronger than I thought! it's the only positive I can see right now. For my own sanity I must come to a place in my heart where I can let him go and know I'll still be OK, even though I'm pretty certain he will immediately regret any affair. I know I wouldn't be able to forgive him especially given the circumstances, so much so that I've already told him, if you want "us" to be 100% over, just go ahead and do it, because I won't want you back afterwards.
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  #47  
Old 12-13-2011, 08:25 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Hi Lila, I have been thinking about you and hoping that things had improved for you and your family. I am surprised that your husband is able to wake up in the mornings feeling a warm glow given the stress your family is currently experiencing. I wonder if he is deeply in denial about what is going on in your lives?

Having said all that, I hope you are looking after yourself. There is little that you can do to force your husband to start behaving in a more ethical way toward you but I think you can look after yourself.

I wonder if you have thought of making contact with divorced women who have children and are engaged in bringing those children up with partners they are no longer with? Maybe people in that situation could also offer you insights into the place you find yourself?

Sending you hugs and thoughts of strength.

IP
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  #48  
Old 12-13-2011, 08:41 AM
brynneth brynneth is offline
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Everything I would have said has been said already. Poly won't work unless your current relationship works, since it is all connected. Also, staying together for the kids, doesn't help the kids in most situations. I'm currently watching my parents go through a divorce that my siblings and I have all been waiting for since we were little. Kids are perceptive little creatures, and if their parents aren't happy, they know.

Your husband is wrong to insist on a new relationship when he isn't even willing to put the time in on yours. Plus, no decent poly woman is going to touch a messed up marriage with a ten foot pole, so consider what type of person you would end up with, even if you tried it. They would have to be willing to hurt you in order to date him, and thats not a good personality trait.

Also, I am so sorry to hear about your baby. That is so sad, and I admire you for being so patient and openminded in the face of all this. Most people wouldn't even have bothered to check this out, or to even think about it. You should not have to try a relationship model that isn't comfortable for you, especially under these conditions. Good luck, I hope things work out so that you can be happy and comfortable.
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  #49  
Old 12-13-2011, 09:03 AM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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Well, for starters, if he doesn’t have the time, money, or whatever to have a date night with you, he is gonna have a hard time justifying the time and effort he would have to put into wooing her.

Establishing a relationship with someone requires date nights. If she is considerate of your feelings and respectful of the fact that you are his wife, getting more date nights than you will really bother her. If she is not considerate of your feelings then she is not the right person for polyamory.

I am speaking from personal experience. He really needs to think about how he is going to be able to make time to build a relationship with her, and continue building the one he has already made a loving commitment to. No date nights in 4 years, that is the big red flag here. He has either got to make it a priority or not take on more.

My husband had gotten lazy about date nights, even getting him to sit and watch a movie with me was not possible. When we found our third, she absolutely insisted that he make every effort to spend time with me. I also wanted her to have a fulfilling relationship with him, my happiness depended on it. The relationship for all of us could not survive without it.
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Last edited by pollyshari; 12-13-2011 at 09:11 AM. Reason: punctuation
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  #50  
Old 12-13-2011, 09:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
I agree, it seems like he's just trying avoid the title of "adulterer" by adding a "spiritual" dimension to the whole idea. Just recently, due to various audiobooks he's been listening to (Mastery of Love, etc) he now sees himself as "highly intuitive" (but unfortunately NOT so sensitive!) He wakes up with a "warm glow" in his heart and butterflies in his stomach (lucky him!) Therefore, his "feelings" (which he admits are totally out of his control) are now being bestowed on him by "the universe" trying to tell him that there's more to life, he believes his destiny awaits....I told him, OK your thoughts and feelings may be beyond your control, but your ACTIONS are certainly controllable!
I am getting really angry right now, so forgive me if I come across as a bit offensive.

But honestly: what kind of bullshit is that?! He has got the nerves to tell you about 'this great master plan' the wise universe got install for him when you are in such a place? Where is the love he should offer you? If he listened to 'The Mastery of Love', why does he miss the point that there IS one love in his life already he could use all this new-found wisdom for? How can he even think of being an 'highly intuitive being' when he can't see the hurt he will cause for his spouse? Are you suffering that quietly that he doesn't have the chance to see how much it would hurt you? That he is able to lie next to you and awake with 'warm glows' and 'butterflies' while your own stomach is clenching with hurt and fear because of your situation, his behavior and the unborn?

Sorry, that was a rant, but I couldn't let those points go by unnoticed. He needs a rough wake up call. Do you really want to stay in such a relationship? I am wondering why you want to go through all those hardships I know, feelings can be persistent, by please, think it over. This doesn't sound like anything positive is able to come out of it now or in the long run.

Again, virtual hugs to you, stay strong.
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