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  #21  
Old 12-09-2011, 10:26 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I would consider his inability to talk about emotions a dealbreaker in any relationship but especially a poly relationship where clear emotional communication and the hard work that goes with it is essential for success.
I think this right here is the most important thing. Someone who can't deal with emotions and has a hard time even talking about them is not going to be able to have healthy poly relationships. Maybe he'd be better as something less than your primary "main" relationship.

One of the things I've learned on here is you can't make people behave differently than they're going to and you can't make relationships fit the direction/style/speed you want. You really have to see what is there, and go with what is. Maybe he's just not capable of that type of connection at this point in time, maybe he never will be.

He may very well be using the alcohol to deal with emotions or to distract himself from things he doesn't want to deal with. In my experience, people who can only have deep conversations about feelings when drunk are usually very wounded individuals who haven't dealt with things they need to. And until they do, true intimacy connection and communication are not going to be possible.
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  #22  
Old 12-09-2011, 10:37 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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In my experience, people who can only have deep conversations about feelings when drunk are usually very wounded individuals who haven't dealt with things they need to. And until they do, true intimacy connection and communication are not going to be possible.
Yep. It may be telling that he can feel love for the very young woman who doesn't actually identify as being into his gender and who is far away and, for all those reasons, will probably never be a potential life partner, and yet sets unrealistically prohibitive conditions like "no negative feelings allowed" on his ability to love the woman his age, who is close by, and who easily could be a life partner. Sounds like a foolproof plan to avoid dealing with the scary emotional stuff to me. If that is what's going on, it's probably unconscious on his part.

Do you think he would consider therapy, for, y'know, the whole low self-esteem ("I don't deserve two girlfriends!"), alcoholic (drinking impedes ability to have important conversations), past trauma (partner who dissociated) thing?

[Minx, I hope I haven't trapped us in an infinite loop of mutual reinforcement!]
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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