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  #11  
Old 12-08-2011, 07:34 AM
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My husband and I have an open relationship where either of us can play with anyone at any time as long as the other is informed if a relationship is going to form, but that has been 4 years in the making. Is it really fair to ask the men to completely change their relationship with us wives while we figure out what is going on between the two of us?
I'm a bit confused. The way I see it, you're not asking your husbands to completely change their relationship with you. Really, I don't see how discussion of boundaries between you and F regarding other women is any of your husbands' business anyway...

Sure, I understand that it will change things for them in regards to swinging possibilities, and they may be disappointed to hear that their wife no longer (or at the moment) wants to swing with other women. But you are within your rights to make that decision: just because both original couples have been swinging in the past doesn't obligate you to always be up for that. I don't think it matters whether it's because you just aren't interested in doing that anymore or because you want to build security in your relationship with F. In my mind it just doesn't concern the men in any way.

Now then, I see a difference in positions of your husband and hers, since yours can still have sex with others while hers can't if she no longer participates. If this is a big issue to him (which it may not be), perhaps it is time for them to begin negotiations towards a more open relationship. But that would be the case even if it was for some other reason she decided that she no longer (or for the time being) wants to take part in swinging. But if it's just temporary, and you and F feel that you just need time to build foundation before you engage in swinging (with other women), that may not be required. It depends on how she and her husband feel about that. And that's obviously an issue between the two them.
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  #12  
Old 12-08-2011, 04:25 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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M does not play AT ALL unless F is present. His major turn on in those situations IS watching her with others (men and women, but preferably women). If they were open to playing separate, I would just ask F to come with my husband and I when we meet people and I would go with them when they do, but that isn't an option at this time.

I think you all have great perspective, and I've just been coming from it from an entirely new and inexperienced angle. I do see us all being able to return to 'normal' swinging activities once F and I are more comfortable with our relationship, I just hope her husband doesn't get too frustrated with the limitations in the meantime since I have no idea how long that will take. So far he is completely supportive and has actually been after me for months to be more open with her about what I'm feeling (apparently it is obvious to everyone but us when we look at each other lol), so I suppose I am worrying about something that may or may not even become an issue.

redpepper - I think I hit a wrong button at some point and it started two threads... I sorry and thank you for fixing it!
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  #13  
Old 12-08-2011, 08:04 PM
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Really I don't think her husband has much choice at this point. If he objects he will be selfish and uncaring so he might as well get about concentrating on other stuff for a bit. One only has control of ones self and inflicting frustration and not empathizing would not be his best option. Empathizing with him and listening to that frustration might help him deal with it. Eventually he will have to deal with the fact that his wife is autonomous and independent. Things change and with that she might just want to be with you. It does happen sometimes and then again it can all turn around back again too.
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  #14  
Old 12-09-2011, 04:12 PM
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Thanks for all of the advice/insight! I have had a sort of emotional epiphany. Do I deeply care about her? Yes. Could I potentially be 'in love' with this woman now or in the future? Yes. Do I want to limit what she can do PHYSICALLY with other people? A resounding no...

I love just being with her. I'm not worried about her replacing me, well I'm sure I will always somewhere wonder if she'll find someone else, but I'm not worried about it. Either we love each other or we don't, and I am going to enjoy it for as long as I can. I'm going to talk to her tonight and tell her that I really am okay with whatever she wants to do while in swinging encounters with her husband. I want her to tell me about them afterwards, but just like I'm okay with my husband doing what makes him happy and brings him pleasure, I am comfortable with her doing the same. It is really the time commitment and the affection that she shows me that makes me feel special, not the sexual allegiance. As long as she continues to take the time out of her busy schedule to spend at least one evening a week with JUST ME, no husbands, then I am quite satisfied. I was just stressing way too much about taking the next step, when we've really been there for a while and hadn't acknowledged it. I'm going back to just going with the flow.
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  #15  
Old 12-09-2011, 08:11 PM
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I'm going to talk to her tonight and tell her that I really am okay with whatever she wants to do while in swinging encounters with her husband. I want her to tell me about them afterwards ...
Wait - I'm confused. I thought the big issue was that she was jealous and didn't want you to be with any other women. How did this get turned around?
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  #16  
Old 12-09-2011, 08:30 PM
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I was all kinds of confused for days about what I was struggling with... Part of me DIDN'T want her with other women, part of me thought it was no big deal, part of me felt guilty for imposing any guidelines... I was struggling with a bunch of varying emotions and I just had to get centered again. After a lot of ranting, crying, discussion, and personal reflection, I feel good again.
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