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  #11  
Old 12-08-2011, 09:17 PM
Rock84 Rock84 is offline
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Thanks for your replies, you have all given me a lot of different angles to think on, though being a guy and typically not being able to make clear sense of my emotions there is still a lot for me to work through. That said I am feeling a lot better and less clouded.

I am trying to single out different aspects of my situation and try to discover my feelings about each. The main questions I need to figure out are:
Is poly just a habit? As Nycindie put it.
Is my GF actually what I want, with everything else aside? Or am I really just looking for a trade up/keeping my options open?
Is poly a substitute for me that fills a gap? Would I still want to be poly if I found the 'one' if such a thing exists? Thats a real tough one actually, I have been pondering that for years. Insights on this would be great.

One thing I do know for sure is that I love her and want to do best by her.

Oh and Rory, sorry but your assumption that I'm here looking for validation to cheat on my gf is WAAAAY off, but thanks for trying.

I think the most pertinent thing to do next is for me to talk to her about how I'm currently feeling...I guess this is one possible solution that I've overlooked :P
Breaking up with her, although may turn out to be the right thing to do, is a last resort. I knew becoming exclusive with her was going against my instincts at the time, yet I still agreed anyway, and not lightly. I was prepared to say goodbye to her.

Last edited by Rock84; 12-08-2011 at 09:44 PM.
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  #12  
Old 12-09-2011, 12:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rock84 View Post
Is poly just a habit? As Nycindie put it.
Hmm, well, my point was not to say that poly could be "just a habit" for you. I just wondered if you are drawn to these thoughts of having sex with someone else as a way to avoid looking at deeper issues in your present relationship. That doesn't mean poly is not a very valid way of living for who you are, but I think it's good for us to examine if we are using something as an escape or falling into it naturally because it just fits.

It's good that you plan on talking to her about your feelings. Keep us posted.
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  #13  
Old 12-09-2011, 07:45 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Rock84 View Post
Is poly a substitute for me that fills a gap? Would I still want to be poly if I found the 'one' if such a thing exists? Thats a real tough one actually, I have been pondering that for years. Insights on this would be great.
Speaking as a poly who found "the one" I say yes, I still want to be poly. Well it's not even a question of "want" it's a question of "am." I am poly. Meeting and marrying the most awesomest man on the planet did not change that.

And he's not even perfect! He smokes, he forgets to do things he says he'll do... I could go on but this isn't about my husband's faults. It's about the fact that even though he's not perfect, he's "the one." And I'm still poly.

He fulfills me 100%, I want for nothing in life (not to be confused with "I have no wants" just that our life is pretty awesome) and if for some reason, I could never be with anyone else, I would be happy with just him. But I am still poly, I still enjoy exploring multiple relationships and being open to being open. It's just how I'm wired, and no other person can change that.

I think "the one" has a different meaning in poly than mono, obviously. For me, it means he fulfills me 100%, I want to be with him until we're old and grey, or else I want to die together in a blaze of glory. It does not mean that I never want to be with anyone else again. I guess the closest way to put it is that if I were mono, he would be "my one and only forever and all time" but since I'm not mono, it's just "mine forever and all time." ((but not "mine" in a possessive, he can't be with anyone else kind of way))
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  #14  
Old 12-09-2011, 08:39 AM
Rock84 Rock84 is offline
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Cheers for clarifying cindie

SchrodingersCat - That's awesome for you, and thanks for sharing.
Quote:
...It does not mean that I never want to be with anyone else again.
I'm stealing this to tell my gf, HAHA. In seriousness that's pretty close to describing how I feel, I do want someone who rocks my world but I don't think I'll ever not want to be with someone else again. I'm unsure if this girl does match my 'one' criteria yet, I think that in itself needs a bit more time to gel, though I'd have to say she's pretty close.

I call myself a pretty experienced poly but in the bigger picture I've only really been in one poly LTR so my experience is actually quite minimal (How young do I feel now).

Last edited by Rock84; 12-09-2011 at 08:41 AM.
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  #15  
Old 12-09-2011, 09:21 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I'm unsure if this girl does match my 'one' criteria yet, I think that in itself needs a bit more time to gel, though I'd have to say she's pretty close.
Oh that's another thing about "the one." It's sorta like orgasms... if you're not sure whether you had one or not, you didn't Again, only speaking from my own experience...
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  #16  
Old 12-09-2011, 05:13 PM
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Just on the subject of 'the one' here. I think that's something, like a lot of things as we get older and wiser, that you need to redefine for yourself. When I was younger, I thought it meant like all the stories. Your own happily ever after. As I got older I realized, being everything to someone or someone being everything to you is a crock. First off, who needs that much pressure?? Secondly, it just seems kind of co dependent to me now. That your life has to revolve around this person or have no meaning! You can't be your own person?

Now, I realize that my husband, is my 'the one'. We've been together, almost 20 years, married nearly 17. We got married young and went through a lot together. It was hard, but I think we have both come to terms with the idea that we could live without each other. Be independent, with or without the kids, with or without each other. We just, would rather not!

Would I be content in my life with just my husband? Yes, the truth is I'd hate to hurt someone else, but if it was now, after all the time and work we put into becoming a poly/mono relationship from years of a mono relationship he decided he just couldn't do this any more, I'd not have other relationships. I can live, function, and honestly be happy and content with it being just my husband.

Being poly just means, to me anyway, that I dont' have to censor my feelings for others. At least not everyone. Liking or falling for someone else does not mean I automatically have a relationship with them! I still make the decision to have a relationship or not, act on feelings or not. Being poly means I have the option. There are times I wont' act on it, and times I'll think about it and want to move forward. Times it's discussed and it's really not a good idea so I don't. The point is, personally, I don't believe I need other relationships, I'm just capable of them.
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  #17  
Old 12-09-2011, 05:36 PM
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Oh and Rory, sorry but your assumption that I'm here looking for validation to cheat on my gf is WAAAAY off
Well, I'm happy to hear that.
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