Why does it work?
A friend of mine asked me this question today. Indirectly, kind of. I don't know, ..., was his quite exited exclamation, after seeing the ring Lin and I got for each other some days ago. I wear one on each hand on my ring fingers now. I don't know what and how you do it, but there has to be something that you are doing damn right! How can that even work out?! Am I? If yes, what is it? I pondered over this issue for quite a while.
What is the most essential thing I need in a relationship besides being and feeling loved? (That is mandatory ) Reliability. Secureness. Certainty. I just have to feel save. The person I bonded myself to, needs to make me feel at ease, my stabilizing element that makes me come to a rest. I was able to observe the effects on Sward when he was wondering if this was still the case during the days he dealt with the news that I was in love with another man. He was shortly robbed of this certainty and safety. And it all came down to: Exclusivity. It was caused by the thought that love has to be concentrated on one person alone and that there was no way that another wouldn't threaten his 'place in my heart'.
But did we really change our old concept that much? It didn't took him too long to actually find his peace again. Why was that? Because we became as exclusive as we have been before, even in the new surrounding for our relationship(s). It isn't only him, but him and another him. And that's all. And he liked that other man. I heard him make comments along the line of, what it means for 'them' to be with me, what spleens I display and how 'they' have to deal with it and so on. Another quite exclusive circle has been founded: The two men that are in a relationship with me.
Mya talked about how the interaction of her husband with potential partners made her uneasy. I take it that it is the 'potential', which first of all can be neutral, but brings in this surrounding the threatening part to life. It's the potential for drama, for hecticness, even for pain and harm that makes many shy away from the possibility to form new relationships. And that's absolutely valid. I would be extremely cautious as well. I think that this is the main point why I am still not that happy with the thought of Sward or Lin going out to find new partners somewhere down the road or even the possibility of me falling in love (again *sigh* the first time this happened was arduous enough ^.^). I love and need my peace at home. It would be highly disturbing for me to deal with drama that another person brought to my life, if I won't be fond of this person. And that's why I think the friend-part of metamourship is so important and why it works so well for us.
As long as we live in our vee and practice fidelity, we come closest to what a mono relationship would have been. I don't know if this would work as well, if all three of us were poly and actively searching for new relationships. I consider us extremely lucky to have found each other and be able to share our everyday life and dreams of the future. Because there are so many factors (if you can only live with such a level of involvement to be happy) that can make you stumble while searching for someone new to join the existing dynamic. We were matchable and combinable. And lucky to have found the others that work with us.
On the other hand I am curious if we would be able to pull this kind of thing off again ... I don't want it to happen right now, this would be too much. But maybe we would be ready for something like this later on. If succesful, it would enrich our life even more, I guess. I love family after all - the bigger, the better
A short story that happened and made me laugh when we got our rings: I tend to regard some things as a kind of 'gear' I need to put on when I go out. The first thing I tend to remove and put aside when I come home was my wedding band. I don't like jewellery, especially when I am typing. So I put it on when I leave the house and leave it be when I am at home. The next thing were my glasses. I need them to read faraway texts and the flat is too small to reach the distance at which I would need them. And now the second ring from Lin.
When I was about to leave for the tutoring lessons, Lin asked me if I got everything. I went like:
Bag? - Check!
Glasses? - Check!
Wedding band? - Check!
Our ring? - Check!
Gear-Check completed, ready to go. (And made the gesture boxers use to check their tape around the hands, knocking my fists against each other.) A nice little occurrence that made all three of us smirk.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.
|children, cohabitation, coming out, communication, couple, family, kids, ldr, lessons, living together, marriage, metamours, mono/poly, moving in, opening a relationship, primary, time management, vee|