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Old 12-07-2011, 07:15 PM
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StumblingAlong StumblingAlong is offline
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It was a typo
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Old 12-07-2011, 10:49 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I did go back a read up on your history, got a wonderful education on fisting...

She was sort of poly all along right? 10 yrs before you met. You said decades. And was your decision to date after she left town? How much effort did you put in to find a job out there? When there's a will there's way type thing.

Maybe it did really bother her but because she moved across the country to follow her dream she felt she couldn't say anything .....oh ya she had a guy too ...the hypocrisy might have been another factor.

In my own situation my wife blames her decision to push this as the beginning of the end. (if you can rally believe that or it's someone saying what they think you want to hear) I can see the logic behind that and perhaps its true ...but I would blame her mental health or things much further back. I blame myself for the candidate/ partner selection process.. clearly failed, I blame myself for NOT listening to my gut. And add half dozen more to round things off.
Learned lots about fisting did we, DH? Good!

Ironically, we were non-monogamous and I didn't know it. (Bear with me - it's not as damning as it sounds.) I had told her early in our relationship that in regards to PoolBoy, what happened sexually with Poolboy on that side of the country, stayed on that side of the country. I was kind of joking but I also meant it. I really liked PoolBoy, respected him and knew that they still had a strong, deep connection. (Still do actually.) She never mentioned it so I assumed that they were not having sex. Since I never asked about it, she assumed I didn't want to know (DADT) and so didn't tell. So they had a sexual relationship for most of the time Beloved and I were together - probably 10-11 years. So she was non-monogamous and I was monogamous. So when we talked about non-monogamy after her move, well, that's when she told me about the ongoing sex with PoolBoy.

I don't consider that she cheated, because, I agreed and was fine with it. That's still true. But our communication about it definitely sucked eggs. I wish I had known, explicitly. I probably would have remained monogamous - I likely would not have felt the need to look for other partners but I wish we had openly talked about it much earlier.

And the breakup is certainly my responsibility too. I cannot easily move out there because of family obligations where I live (elderly parents). The explicit plan was to jumpstart her career so she could move back to a great position here. There is not much out there professionally for me but, yes, I could have figured something out. But there would have been a cost and it was one I was very hesitant to make. Not impossible, but hard. I discovered painfully that sometimes will and way are not enough.

Yeah, I wonder too if her relationship with PoolBoy made her think that she shouldn't say anything about her unhappiness with me dating. She kept saying that we were not doing the same kind of poly - which was certainly true - she had her ongoing long term relationship with PoolBoy and I was gadding about casually with SW and Oil Man. I had to agree with her that, no, we were not doing the same kind of poly. I never knew what to do with that statement - because I'd been monogamous, I did not have someone similar to PoolBoy in my life. So how could we do the same kind of poly? But when I talked with her about how things with SW were becoming less casual, more than friends with benefits, she was really unhappy about that. I understood that because she felt he was a threat. (He wasn't but I could never convince her otherwise.) I think she was just unhappy that I was having sex with other people. I think she is actually monogamous, with a special exception for one person (PoolBoy). Eh.
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Old 12-08-2011, 07:43 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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God opal.... ix-na on the isting-fa it's like cat nip to certain people. Now I'm going to get flipped off again. Speaking of that I wonder how Neon's doing.

I thought she lived with you on the east coast for 11yrs and just recently move Left?
By the way nothing sounds damning.

Does she have or is looking to find other partners in addition to poolboy? Or replace or reinstall the female primary relationship.

Has their relationship changed since the breakup?

Does she have a pool? and the obvious next question does he clean it?
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blame, consequences of poly

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