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  #11  
Old 12-07-2011, 06:15 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Ouch, I feel for you! It sounds like you two have a lot on your plates, and maybe he is even a little depressed?

If he seems to be in a place where "yes" is the only answer he wants from you, try this one: "Yes, I agree you need some romance and dating and sex in your life, but with our toddler and this pregnancy and everything else, I'm worried you don't have time for something like that. Can you prove to me that you do? Start by dating me. If you take me out at least one night a week for the next few weeks, and spice things up in the bedroom, and then you still have time and energy for another woman, we'll talk about it then."

And who knows, maybe once he is meeting all your needs, you won't feel so strongly against letting him "off leash". (Or maybe not.)
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  #12  
Old 12-07-2011, 06:25 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
He feels that he is half dead and needs other forms of emotional expression, to start living again, to have a relationship with someone who is dynamic and fiery and bubbly etc. He said something had to change and asked what would I consider, either polyamory, or living separate lives in the same house, or divorce.

...

He was even wondering why I objected so much to the possibility of someone else moving into our home....I mean, he's already talking as though it's such an obvious solution (for him!)
Nyc sure hit the nail on the head with the "relationship broken, add more people" saying, unfortunately. :/

He has no idea the trouble he's heading for. Or maybe he does but just doesn't care at this point? Probably a mixture of both. Couples counseling is very much the way to go here, maybe also individual therapy for him ("half dead" sounds like more than a midlife crisis, it sounds like depression).

He needs to understand that this will not work unless he's willing to reinvest in his relationship with you. Trust, communication, and a strong foundation have to come first, otherwise it'll be loads of drama and woe, not the fun and carefree experience he seems to be imagining. Obviously there's a major communication gap here -- if he's been feeling this way for "quite a while" he should have said something to you earlier. But, I'll cut the guy a little slack, at least he didn't just cheat on you. Hopefully there *is* something to salvage here, but yeesh, the ultimatum... worst possible way to bring it up, dude.

And as for the idea of a new woman moving in, how the hell does he imagine that being a comfortable situation for her if you're miserable??? I won't even begin to get into the myriad other complexities involved in that sort of decision, but suffice to say the stars have to align, you can't just plan for it from the start. He really really needs to spend more than a single day investigating this topic.

Did I mention counseling? Counseling counseling counseling. There are "poly friendly" counselors out there if he won't consider it because he assumes the counselor will take your side just because poly is not a mainstream idea.

And I'm so sorry about your baby's condition.
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  #13  
Old 12-07-2011, 06:31 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
"Yes, I agree you need some romance and dating and sex in your life, but with our toddler and this pregnancy and everything else, I'm worried you don't have time for something like that. Can you prove to me that you do? Start by dating me. If you take me out at least one night a week for the next few weeks, and spice things up in the bedroom, and then you still have time and energy for another woman, we'll talk about it then."
Love this!!
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  #14  
Old 12-07-2011, 06:31 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh Lila, I am sorry to hear that you are also having a difficult pregnancy while he is asking for this. How did it get to the point where he could be so inconsiderate?

From what you said, he might be a bit depressed, too. Whatever is going on between the two of you, there is a whole lot of stress! However, running away to escape and take on a lover, is not the way to handle the enormous responsibilities of a job he hates, a stagnant marriage that needs healing, more tenderness, and more loving kindness, and a pregnancy involving significant health issues. He wants things to change but he thinks polyamory will be a magic wand - start reading the threads here, life will be much harder for him if he has to manage an additional relationship. After all, he can't have that with a make-believe doll, but with a living, breathing human being who has needs, wants, desires, moods, and life goals of her own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
"...I'm worried you don't have time for something like that. Can you prove to me that you do? Start by dating me..."
Brilliant!
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-07-2011 at 06:50 AM.
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  #15  
Old 12-07-2011, 06:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
He really really needs to spend more than a single day investigating this topic.
Indeed. Some couples spend a year or longer working on their relationship, talking about everything, and negotiating boundaries, before embarking on such a huge, monumental change, as polyamory would of course be.
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  #16  
Old 12-07-2011, 06:47 AM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
Thanks for responding, I know him well. Once he gets a bee in his bonnet he just won't let it go. The discussion went like this, he said, "Today I found a word for what I've been searching for, what I've been needing and feeling for quite a while. I've sent you some links to read." He wanted to discuss it after I'd read the links but I pushed him for a discussion because I knew of the word polyamory already (my worst nightmare!)
I would humbly suggest it might be worthwhile to read the links anyway. As you're discovering with this forum, you may discover things about polyamory that may not be occurring to him, like the complexity and difficulty it can introduce, how it shouldn't be used to save a marriage that's already in trouble, how it demands honesty and good communication.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
He feels that he is half dead and needs other forms of emotional expression, to start living again, to have a relationship with someone who is dynamic and fiery and bubbly etc. He said something had to change and asked what would I consider, either polyamory, or living separate lives in the same house, or divorce. I don't want any of the above! I said I wanted to work really hard on our marriage.
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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
Anyway, I said I can't agree to this right now because then what would be your incentive to work on OUR relationship? NONE!
This sounds worse and worse, and sounds less and less like genuine polyamory, as I've come to understand it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
I asked if he would at least wait until our baby is born (April) before making any moves and he agreed. I told him I feel vulnerable right now and have enough on my plate (baby has not developed left or right brain hemisphere - trisomy 13 genetic disorder, unlikely to be born alive).
Oh, no. I'm sorry.

For me, this really tips the scales. It seems to me he should be focused on you and what you need right now, and also on what your marriage needs . . . and not just until April!
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  #17  
Old 12-07-2011, 07:03 AM
Rock84 Rock84 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
You don't have to be poly yourself. Consider his own freedom though.
The way it sounds to me, is that he is not happy about something though. Try sit him down and talk to him, without distractions. Nobody should be looking for other relationships when there are problems in the ones they already have.
Agreed. I don't think making a relationship more complicated or 'dynamic' will solve problems, quite the opposite, it is likely to expose them more.
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  #18  
Old 12-07-2011, 08:15 AM
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I am really disturbed by the fact that he doesn't seem to be that much involved in the everyday things around your relationship. I mean, a child with such a serious disorder should fill your head completely! That there is room to think about something like adding more to this situation, seems really odd to me. Is he escaping from the situation by acting the way he does? All his concern should be with the unborn and your health.

Stay strong and stand your ground in regard to him working on your relationship first. It doesn't seem solid enough to withstand the rocky path a start into polyamory tends to resemble.
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  #19  
Old 12-07-2011, 08:49 AM
Lila Lila is offline
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Sounds really difficult.

I wonder - how does your husband feel about your pregnancy? I mean this gently and with compassion - but is it at all possible that having another child is your version of filling the emotional need that isn't being met by your marriage?

I ask because I was discussing this sort of situation with my SO recently. I wonder how often people who are having problems in their relationships look for outside solutions? Particularly to fill the emotional need that isn't being filled by the relationship?

For me, the worry is that babies, pets and other partners all need work, effort and time. And if your emotional energy is already being used up by a difficult relationship, is there enough left over for adding somebody new?

I once hastened the end of a long-term, loving relationship by getting a puppy. The relationship was difficult at the time and in need of work - work that neither of us knew where to start with.

I have always loved dogs and forced us into getting a puppy. The puppy hastened the end of our relationship - I just didn't have the emotional energy to deal with both the relationship and the needs of the puppy.

I hope you and your husband can work together to find a solution.

IP
Hi, you are right, even though we had always planned to have 2 kids (with time running out, I am 40) it was a shock for him and I don't think he could accept it. This baby won't live anyway due to severe genetic problems, so it's just a matter of getting through this painful time. With all the stress of his revealed feelings it's been hard to cope so we have been considering whether to continue the pregnancy. The hospital recommended termination and my deadline for deciding is tomorrow. I would still have to go through the birth as normal, but either way I come home empty handed. Still my husband says we can try again, EVEN IF he starts another relationship...obviously I would have to wait and ensure that we were in a good place, other woman or not. (PS. we already tried the puppy!)
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  #20  
Old 12-07-2011, 09:04 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I can't imagine how hard what you are going through must be to cope with.

I think that decisions around children are so hard in general. For women, it's not as easy as saying wait until things are sorted out and you're in a good place. Sometimes time runs out if you do that.

The stress of what you are going through just now must be hard. Like Phy, I wonder if what your husband is expressing is a way of avoiding dealing with what is going on? It seems like such a strange time to be starting discussions about opening up your marriage.

Do you have other sources of support that you can lean on as you deal with your pregnancy and caring for your toddler? I hope you are able to look after yourself both physically and psychologically.

IP
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