Thanks all for the responses. I never got to reply back after I originally posted this. It has been 3 months and I am struggling still. I really appreciate some of the helpful things said here.
I do love my bf deeply. I always will. I can't imagine my life without him in it. He makes me feel so happy and positive and helps me grow more than anyone else ever has. He makes me feel excited about life and helps me nourish my creativity. nycindie you are right, I need to focus on staying in the moment, enjoying him for who he is.
I do think I need to open up though. It doesn't feel right or fair or honest. I love him so much but I am not interested in being sexual with him. It makes me anxious and I just can't relax. I feel absolutely awful and I've been beating myself up about it. It's terrible because I know everyone needs sexual attention and I do my best to just go with it but I find myself making excuses (I'm tired, I don't feel good, let's go do something else, anything) to get out of being sexual with him. It hurts so much. I want to show him I care but when we start kissing or touching I can't get into it. I feel so nervous and sad and not myself. & don't get me wrong I'm not shy I have always been a very sexual person. Just over the past yr or so it's been getting worse. I think he is handsome, cute, attractive, but I never find myself craving him physically. I never think about any men sexually for that matter. I'm so fucking confused it's driving me crazy, making me so depressed, I just feel so alone and don't know what to do.
He has been dating around a bit, nothing serious at all - talking, flirting, kissing, mostly just with girls he meets when out partying so not taking anyone home or anything. But he knows I am supportive of him kissing/being physical with other women. We have not talked about him sleeping with another girl but he hasn't expressed that much interest in any of the girls he's told me about meeting. I want to take care of him but I know at this point I cannot fulfill him in that way.
I don't know how to talk to him and tell him all these really difficult feelings I've been dealing with. I don't even know where to begin. All this time I have just been trying to ignore it and hope it goes away and just deal with it but it feels so wrong. I mean sometimes I just feel so guilty and think maybe I should just do it, if you love someone you make sacrifices and do things you don't always want to. But then I would feel like a liar. I just feel so stuck and Idk what to do.......