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Old 12-05-2011, 11:09 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by secretposter View Post
... I am not about to go into intimate details on a public forum. Suffice to say that we have been intimate. I did not expect this relationship to develop, it was an out of the blue sort of thing, we met, hit it off, been seeing each other for a while now.
Well, everyone's anonymous here, and using aliases, so don't worry about that. The forum can come up in Google searches, but if you keep the details generic (but not as vague), you won't reveal anything. The reason I asked is that you've come here for advice and how can we help when you have pussyfooted around what really happened? It's quite a different thing to admit you have been fucking this other woman than to say:

Quote:
Originally Posted by secretposter View Post
Thing is I've met another woman who is in an open relationship and is happy to remain so and we get on like a house on fire. What drives me nuts is the fact that I cannot tell my wife about this wonderful person in my life. It's frankly cracking me up.

I'm okay now but I know as my relationship with this other woman progresses it's going to become more difficult but it has reached the stage that losing either would break me.
Quite frankly, I thought you were referring to a flirty friendship that you were afraid to confess to. However, you have not only been cheating emotionally but physically as well. Not sure if "a while now" is a matter of weeks or months, but this is a serious breach of trust. Interesting how politely you wanted to say what you were doing -- you really don't want to come clean about it, it seems. But now our feedback can be more focused in dealing with what it's really about, since we know now what the deal is.

Okay, what I'm about to write will be blunt and may seem harsh. I'm not judging you, but just saying things as a way to shake you up a bit, because I think you need to stop deluding yourself. You've said you and your wife have been through difficult times before - what prevents you from being honest with her now? What are you afraid of losing? Her trust? You've already decimated that. If you want to repair what you have, you need to be truthful. Does your girlfriend know you've been keeping it a secret? How does she feel about perpetuating your cheating and being with someone who is lying to the woman he loves? Does your girlfriend enjoy being treated like a dirty little secret or does she want you to be honest? Or have you avoided the topic with her also and just been thinking with your little head?

What do you really want?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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