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  #81  
Old 12-05-2011, 09:46 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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I completely agree with you on that whole post! Though I was wondering if the concept of "controlling one's feelings" might be better put "managing one's feelings" or "controlling one's reactions to their feelings"? Just semantics (but hey, I remember you're into that ), since I think there is a common misconception that one can control their feelings, when really all one can do is decide how they react to them and what they do. I did totally get your point, though, semantics aside.
I think this is a really good point! My feelings are not something I can really control, but what I do with them is entirely voluntary. Asking someone who is polyamorous (or anyone who is in love) to stop having feelings for someone causes the reaction, "I can't!" More appropriate is to ask what someone's reaction to those feelings is going to be. For me, it was a long journey to find the balance that minimized suffering for both my husband and for me (and maybe L and C).

The journey still continues. Now my husband isn't comfortable interacting with L, he says. L hosts an annual event that my family attends (my kids especially look forward to it) and my husband is now afraid to go -afraid people will figure out L and I have something going on, and will say something about it. I think he's also afraid L won't respect him as much, now that L has touched his wife, although if anything I think L respects him more for giving me that freedom. Seeing as the kids have been promised this trip, and he doesn't want any of us spending the night, he'll end up going because I don't want to drive back late at night. Maybe he'll feel better once he's seen that no one there knows or cares, and that L and I aren't going to behave any differently. This is in a couple of weeks. We'll see.

So much drama...
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  #82  
Old 12-05-2011, 09:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
I completely agree with you on that whole post! Though I was wondering if the concept of "controlling one's feelings" might be better put "managing one's feelings" or "controlling one's reactions to their feelings"? Just semantics (but hey, I remember you're into that ), since I think there is a common misconception that one can control their feelings, when really all one can do is decide how they react to them and what they do. I did totally get your point, though, semantics aside.
Actually it can be both, no ?

You might be in a situation where you control your feelings :

- You feel a initial spark towards somebody who just seems like bad news. Rather then let it develop, you remove yourself from situations where you are around them.

Managing your feelings :

- You have a co-worker that you see daily. You cannot avoid this person. Place of employment has a strict rule about not dating co-workers. Regardless, feelings develop. You then learn to manage your feelings, so as not to lose your job.

The difference is in the feelings having grounds to develop or not.
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  #83  
Old 12-05-2011, 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted by rory View Post
... I was wondering if the concept of "controlling one's feelings" might be better put "managing one's feelings" or "controlling one's reactions to their feelings"?
I like the sound of "managing" but "controlling" isn't always a bad thing. When driving, one needs to know how to control a car so that it doesn't kill anyone, after all.

I don't know why I am reminded of this but I had a teacher who used to say "Emotion = Energy in motion." Sometimes we treat our emotions as if they are these strange, precious things that should be given full reign. But controlling them is an essential skill. Without it, so much damage can be done, especially for those times when the emotions we're experiencing are actually more like responses we have trained ourselves to have when we entertain certain thoughts.

When I was growing up, I learned that the only way I could get my mother's attention was to cry and become overwrought about stuff that I needed or wanted to say. A lifetime of that and I still have a hard time not crying when I need to say something important. I once cried all through an entire evaluation I was being given at a job I had and, afterwards, the HR manager told me never to let my boss see me cry again over work stuff, as it just doesn't look good. He wasn't there to be my mommy; he was there to tell me how to do my job better.

There are times when my tears are genuine, of course, but a lot of the time I realize that my tears are more connected to how I trained myself to express difficult communications, rather than the communication itself. So I have to control it. It is still my feelings I am controlling (somewhere inside I am apprehensive about saying what I need to say), and if I don't control them, the real deeper issues are obscured. Like if my eyes are brimming over when I try to express myself and say something I really want someone to hear, what often happens is the person notices and comments on the fact that I was crying rather than what I said. Ugh! So, yeah, controlling, managing feelings, however you want to put it... vital.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 04:05 AM.
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  #84  
Old 12-05-2011, 10:19 PM
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Could we move the entire last two pages over to the conflicted thread?! The one with the guy cheating and saying he "unexpectedly" had sex with another woman without his wife knowing?

We can fall in love at the drop of the hat, its what we do with that after we realize it and find ita returned that matters.
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  #85  
Old 12-05-2011, 10:43 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Whoa, I had a nightmare about "unexpected" sex recently. Found myself suddenly in the midst of it with L, with absolutely no awareness of how it got to that point. Not fun -I was freaking out in my dream! I'm so thankful we actually can control our actions. Whew!
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  #86  
Old 12-05-2011, 10:48 PM
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Could we move the entire last two pages over to the conflicted thread?! The one with the guy cheating and saying he "unexpectedly" had sex with another woman without his wife knowing?
Not sure if you're serious or joking, but since my responses here were specific to this thread, I'd rather not have my posts moved, RP. But I don't mind if you quote anything I wrote here for the other thread, if there's something I posted here that you would find applies to that one.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-05-2011 at 10:51 PM.
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  #87  
Old 12-05-2011, 11:19 PM
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I was joking. I ended up posting a link to here and a reference to these pages. Thanks, I might just quote as well if it helps to do so.
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  #88  
Old 12-05-2011, 11:21 PM
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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
Whoa, I had a nightmare about "unexpected" sex recently. Found myself suddenly in the midst of it with L, with absolutely no awareness of how it got to that point. Not fun -I was freaking out in my dream! I'm so thankful we actually can control our actions. Whew!
Funnily enough, I had a similar dream a couple of days ago myself (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=295).
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  #89  
Old 12-06-2011, 01:59 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by rory View Post
I completely agree with you on that whole post! Though I was wondering if the concept of "controlling one's feelings" might be better put "managing one's feelings" or "controlling one's reactions to their feelings"? Just semantics (but hey, I remember you're into that ), since I think there is a common misconception that one can control their feelings, when really all one can do is decide how they react to them and what they do. I did totally get your point, though, semantics aside.
Very good point, I do think that word is probably more appropriate.

I like it when my (conversational) partners remember what I'm into.
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  #90  
Old 12-06-2011, 08:19 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Well she certainly can keep her own secrets well hidden and its great that there's such geographical distance between all of you where it won't likely be a problem. I think the 16yr old will look at everything differently form now on ....new code for "talk " those images are now in that little head ...talking will not dislodge them. I wouldn't be surprised if he views you differently after that. I bet his take on how people form relationships is ever shifting from the things he witnessed or is learning about. Now the new chapter poly.

Why would you want to put your husband into an uncomfortable situation ...because you don't want to drive at night. What's your fear of night driving?
Is he a natural born night driver? excellent night vision or something. I don't see how you're really going out of your way to help the struggle partner in this situation. "Ok you don't want to go fine ... then we'll be staying over .... but I don't want you to stay over either, well you pick it I'm nit driving at night ...balls in your court". It sounds like ...could be wrong ...you are getting/doing what you want.... and not just for the kids.
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