is compersion real?

[Arrowbound]

Yes. I've felt it for my metamour since the lines of communication have been opened up between her and I, and seeing her as a peer rather than the woman who is plotting to threaten and destroy the established relationship she has entered into.

[BigGuy]

or just an ideal people try to aim for? Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion?

For me, compersion is very similar to the good feelings I get when good fortune befalls a close friend. I'm genuinely happy for them. I love them and I want what's best for them and when that happens, its a good thing.

Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed?

Jealousy still happens. But as mentioned before, its more about your own security with yourself or your relationship than it is about the other person. When it happens, we talk about it and I ask for assurance that our relationship is ok. Sometimes a discussion is sufficient, other times I need more affection.

Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?

I don't have any other relationships and my wife has two OSO's and I still feel compersion. It's not a constant thing, but when I see her happy and feeling good about herself, that's when I get it.

[riftara]

I didnt think it was real, but then I saw my bf and gf cuddling asleep and I was overwhelmed by the happiness I felt at that moment.

That they were close and loving and everything seemed perfect in that moment.

I know me and my girlfriend are different lovers, but neither of us is better than the other. There are even positions that my bf loves that he doesnt do with her.

I do feel a little jealous but sometimes its that hes with her, others it that she is with him. I want one or the other and sometimes I cant have the one I want because they are together.

[cheryl]

I thought I was getting closer to compersion. The three of us even spent a day together and had dinner. I thought if I knew her better and saw her as whole person, not just my BF's GF, I'd feel better about it all. But then she asked him to start lying to me again, because she felt more comfortable if I didn't know, it should just between them, no one else needs to know. And I also heard about some critical comments she made about me. She thinks I am selfish, that I'm just using him, and an unneccessary distraction to him that is keeping from getting his work done and getting ahead. I think the real reason she doesn't want me to know about her is she thinks I will make negative comments about her, and if I don't even know she's seeing him, she doesn't have to worry about that.

So I feel burned by her after attempting to be friennds, and I'm backing up the truck. I told my BF I don't want him to lie to her either, but there's no reason to discuss me with her. I don't want to her know anything more about my personal life, my family, what goes on between my BF and me, whether we're getting along great or not so great. Keep it all separate from now on. If they do start lying to me again, I'm done.

[Arrowbound]

Originally Posted by cheryl

I thought I was getting closer to compersion. The three of us even spent a day together and had dinner. I thought if I knew her better and saw her as whole person, not just my BF's GF, I'd feel better about it all. But then she asked him to start lying to me again, because she felt more comfortable if I didn't know, it should just between them, no one else needs to know. And I also heard about some critical comments she made about me. She thinks I am selfish, that I'm just using him, and an unneccessary distraction to him that is keeping from getting his work done and getting ahead. I think the real reason she doesn't want me to know about her is she thinks I will make negative comments about her, and if I don't even know she's seeing him, she doesn't have to worry about that.

So I feel burned by her after attempting to be friennds, and I'm backing up the truck. I told my BF I don't want him to lie to her either, but there's no reason to discuss me with her. I don't want to her know anything more about my personal life, my family, what goes on between my BF and me, whether we're getting along great or not so great. Keep it all separate from now on. If they do start lying to me again, I'm done.

Is all of what you heard things that your BF told you? This isn't a good sign. A metamour that is explicitly plotting to weaken the bond is not someone I'd want in my life. It is your BF's decision but this requires a sit down with everyone, all at the same time. There are obviously things that need to be expressed, and in a straightforward fashion.

[hyperskeptic]

It seems to me the feeling or experience for which the term 'compersion' has been coined is real enough.

I just wish the word didn't come across as so utterly fake. I almost can't bring myself to utter it.

Why coin a new word, when existing words will do? There's the ancient Greek term, philia, which refers to a particular kind of love or affection or just plain old friendship. In particular, it's the desire for the happiness of another person, which works best when it's reciprocal. True friends rejoice in one another's happiness.

(In fact, I'd rather call my current way of thinking about relationships "polyphilia".)

If you don't like using actual words from dead languages, call it affection, compassion, grace, generosity, anything.

Just don't call it 'compersion'.

[Thalantos]

I think compersion is real. With what little experience with poly my wife and I have had, I found myself quite happy at how happy she was with her other relationship. So yeah, I'd say it's real, and it's probably a decent part of why I'm poly.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by hyperskeptic

It seems to me the feeling or experience for which the term 'compersion' has been coined is real enough.

I just wish the word didn't come across as so utterly fake. I almost can't bring myself to utter it.

Why coin a new word, when existing words will do? There's the ancient Greek term, philia, which refers to a particular kind of love or affection or just plain old friendship. In particular, it's the desire for the happiness of another person, which works best when it's reciprocal. True friends rejoice in one another's happiness.

(In fact, I'd rather call my current way of thinking about relationships "polyphilia".)

If you don't like using actual words from dead languages, call it affection, compassion, grace, generosity, anything.

Just don't call it 'compersion'.

philia is not compersion. It describes brotherly (non-romantic) love between two people. Using "polyphilia" to describe your relationship tendency simply means that you are capable of forming friendships with more than one person at a time. In other words, being a regular, socially functional human being...

Affection means liking someone.
Compassion means feeling awful when someone is suffering and wanting to fix it.
Grace and generosity aren't any kind of emotion.

Compersion is a very specific emotion: the feeling that you are happy about your romantic partner being in love with someone else.

The closest alternative I can think of would be sympathy, which describes being in emotional agreement with another person about the same object. But that's not appropriate, because compersion doesn't mean "I am also in love with your lover."

Empathy is also close, because it does not require you to actually have the same feelings but only to intellectually understand them. But that's still not the same as feeling happy about it, it just means "I understand that you are happy to be in love."

Why call a feeling "jealousy" when we can just say "fear?" Jealousy refers specifically to a fear of loss of something that a person values... You can be jealous when your mom has a new baby because you're scared she won't love you anymore. You can be jealous when your best friend gets married because you're afraid they won't come to drink and watch football with you anymore. You can be jealous when you and a coworker are up for the same promotion and you see him taking the boss out for dinner one night.

That's why you can feel compersion and jealousy at the same time. You can be happy for your partner that they're in love and full of NRE, and at the same time afraid that they'll spend less time with you and forget your birthday.

[hyperskeptic]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

philia is not compersion. It describes brotherly (non-romantic) love between two people. Using "polyphilia" to describe your relationship tendency simply means that you are capable of forming friendships with more than one person at a time. In other words, being a regular, socially functional human being...

Affection means liking someone.

I take my reading of philia from Aristotle, near the end of his Nicomachean Ethics. There are degrees and kinds of philia, for different kinds of relationships and contexts.

The best and most perfect form of philia is genuinely wishing for the other person's happiness . . . even, it would seem to follow, if the other person finds sources of happiness that are not you.

What else could it possibly mean to "like" someone?

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

Compassion means feeling awful when someone is suffering and wanting to fix it.
Grace and generosity aren't any kind of emotion.

In Aristotelian terms, grace and generosity, like compassion, are virtues, which are habits of responding to emotions with moderation, in a manner that is appropriate for a given circumstance. They are character traits, states of being.

Emotions are too fleeting, too volatile, to be taken as good or bad in themselves . . . or so Aristotle would say.

(Sorry, should have warned you all. I'm a professional philosophy geek.)

[BigGuy]

Originally Posted by cheryl

But then she asked him to start lying to me again

Sometimes jealousy is a very appropriate emotion to have in a relationship. Like pain, it can be a warning sign that something is wrong.

If my SO's OSO were saying such things about me, compersion is the last thing I'd be feeling.