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  #121  
Old 11-25-2011, 02:10 AM
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Originally Posted by geminigirl View Post

You do not have to feel compersion to be poly, nor do you have to be free of jealousy to be poly. Humans vary in their emotions, and poly people are human.

Bingo!! I feel compersion for my friends who have a good bike ride People experience it all the time but don't realize it.
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  #122  
Old 11-25-2011, 05:54 PM
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I experienced some compersion with Kevin when he fell in love with another guy some years ago. I certainly didn't feel threatened by Kevin's love for this other guy. But I think I knew, deep down, that that particular relationship was not destined to last long, which it didn't. In all honestly, I'd love for Kevin to have another love him beautifully.

Kevin must have been feeling some compersion in my relationship with Faraway Sweetie. He encouraged me and lent emotional support as I explored that relationship.

'Course, I've been with Kevin for 15 years. Such duration certainly makes a difference--for us. If we were brand new with one another things might be very different. We're secure in the fact of our mutual love. There can be no doubt.
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  #123  
Old 11-25-2011, 07:34 PM
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Yes compersion is real. I find that I feel it more when I truly care about all parties involved though. I find it much more difficult to feel compersion when either I don't know a metamour or we don't get along particularly well. I don't generally feel anything negative to take it's place, I mostly just feel puzzled.
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  #124  
Old 11-25-2011, 08:10 PM
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I do think that compersion is real, but it takes a solid basis of communication, time spent caring for the primary relationship, and checking in to keep compersion going for any length of time. There's a big difference between everything running smoothly and you feeling really happy for your partner's connections and there being a bump in the road and that happiness sticking around!

To me, the better that conversations, the more self inventory, and the more honesty, the closer compersion comes to the surface. Good diet, sleep, exercise, self love/care in general also make a big difference!
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  #125  
Old 11-25-2011, 11:22 PM
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Yes. I've felt it for my metamour since the lines of communication have been opened up between her and I, and seeing her as a peer rather than the woman who is plotting to threaten and destroy the established relationship she has entered into.
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  #126  
Old 11-26-2011, 04:54 AM
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or just an ideal people try to aim for? Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion?
For me, compersion is very similar to the good feelings I get when good fortune befalls a close friend. I'm genuinely happy for them. I love them and I want what's best for them and when that happens, its a good thing.


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Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed?
Jealousy still happens. But as mentioned before, its more about your own security with yourself or your relationship than it is about the other person. When it happens, we talk about it and I ask for assurance that our relationship is ok. Sometimes a discussion is sufficient, other times I need more affection.



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Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?
I don't have any other relationships and my wife has two OSO's and I still feel compersion. It's not a constant thing, but when I see her happy and feeling good about herself, that's when I get it.
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  #127  
Old 11-26-2011, 06:22 PM
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I didnt think it was real, but then I saw my bf and gf cuddling asleep and I was overwhelmed by the happiness I felt at that moment.

That they were close and loving and everything seemed perfect in that moment.

I know me and my girlfriend are different lovers, but neither of us is better than the other. There are even positions that my bf loves that he doesnt do with her.

I do feel a little jealous but sometimes its that hes with her, others it that she is with him. I want one or the other and sometimes I cant have the one I want because they are together.
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  #128  
Old 12-03-2011, 04:57 PM
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I thought I was getting closer to compersion. The three of us even spent a day together and had dinner. I thought if I knew her better and saw her as whole person, not just my BF's GF, I'd feel better about it all. But then she asked him to start lying to me again, because she felt more comfortable if I didn't know, it should just between them, no one else needs to know. And I also heard about some critical comments she made about me. She thinks I am selfish, that I'm just using him, and an unneccessary distraction to him that is keeping from getting his work done and getting ahead. I think the real reason she doesn't want me to know about her is she thinks I will make negative comments about her, and if I don't even know she's seeing him, she doesn't have to worry about that.

So I feel burned by her after attempting to be friennds, and I'm backing up the truck. I told my BF I don't want him to lie to her either, but there's no reason to discuss me with her. I don't want to her know anything more about my personal life, my family, what goes on between my BF and me, whether we're getting along great or not so great. Keep it all separate from now on. If they do start lying to me again, I'm done.
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  #129  
Old 12-03-2011, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
I thought I was getting closer to compersion. The three of us even spent a day together and had dinner. I thought if I knew her better and saw her as whole person, not just my BF's GF, I'd feel better about it all. But then she asked him to start lying to me again, because she felt more comfortable if I didn't know, it should just between them, no one else needs to know. And I also heard about some critical comments she made about me. She thinks I am selfish, that I'm just using him, and an unneccessary distraction to him that is keeping from getting his work done and getting ahead. I think the real reason she doesn't want me to know about her is she thinks I will make negative comments about her, and if I don't even know she's seeing him, she doesn't have to worry about that.

So I feel burned by her after attempting to be friennds, and I'm backing up the truck. I told my BF I don't want him to lie to her either, but there's no reason to discuss me with her. I don't want to her know anything more about my personal life, my family, what goes on between my BF and me, whether we're getting along great or not so great. Keep it all separate from now on. If they do start lying to me again, I'm done.
Is all of what you heard things that your BF told you? This isn't a good sign. A metamour that is explicitly plotting to weaken the bond is not someone I'd want in my life. It is your BF's decision but this requires a sit down with everyone, all at the same time. There are obviously things that need to be expressed, and in a straightforward fashion.
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  #130  
Old 12-03-2011, 09:20 PM
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It seems to me the feeling or experience for which the term 'compersion' has been coined is real enough.

I just wish the word didn't come across as so utterly fake. I almost can't bring myself to utter it.

Why coin a new word, when existing words will do? There's the ancient Greek term, philia, which refers to a particular kind of love or affection or just plain old friendship. In particular, it's the desire for the happiness of another person, which works best when it's reciprocal. True friends rejoice in one another's happiness.

(In fact, I'd rather call my current way of thinking about relationships "polyphilia".)

If you don't like using actual words from dead languages, call it affection, compassion, grace, generosity, anything.

Just don't call it 'compersion'.
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