Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 12-02-2011, 07:45 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by neegoola View Post
stalemate within the "official" relationship?
getting a new relation is not always an escape from stalemate and boredom..
I was referring to a stalement in moving towards a more open relationship, not that the relatiiosnhip was stale or boring.


Quote:
Originally Posted by neegoola View Post
i'm very Heinleining* in this: normally i don't laugh about others' sadness as it normally happens with "funny" stories unless that sadness finds reflection in my self as a mirror

I wasn't taking away from the seriousness of the situation but I did enjoy the mental imagery that was painted. I also laugh when people stub thier toes and hit thier funny bones


I'm the opposite of being very Heinleining I guess.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 12-02-2011, 08:08 PM
neegoola's Avatar
neegoola neegoola is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: italy
Posts: 89
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I'm the opposite of being very Heinleining I guess.
yes, Mono, Heinlein is pictured as one of most known person as a sci-fi writer and as a poly! (i guess "Stranger" appears somewhere else in this forum..?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I was referring to a stalement in moving towards a more open relationship, not that the relatiiosnhip was stale or boring.
sorry sometimes i understand other thing than what is meant
anyway it has been a pleasure meeting you
__________________
"as long a i live, i vow to die and be reborn, die and be reborn, die and be reborn, over and over again, forever reinventing myself" r.brezsny
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 12-02-2011, 08:11 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by neegoola View Post
anyway it has been a pleasure meeting you
I just friended you on here..now you can really meet me.. The pleasure is all mine
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 12-02-2011, 10:13 PM
BigGuy's Avatar
BigGuy BigGuy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: East Central Illinois
Posts: 118
Default

It just struck me that DADT is very much like my Lake Wobegon-ish upbringing. That is, where ANYTHING of an emotional nature is considered too messy and best left unsaid.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 12-03-2011, 01:22 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BigGuy View Post
ANYTHING of an emotional nature is considered too messy and best left unsaid.
This is where I wouldn't do well with most DADT situations. I become very fearful if there is shit going on that people aren't telling me. Even if its negative. I would rather have it out and get to the bottom of it than hold it in and know someone else is too. How am I suppose to support and be supported by those I love if the DADT rules are so huge? DADT seems like an all or nothing thing to most people. I don't think it has to be or should be actually. Its all negotiable, just like anything in poly really. Ya, I would rather not tell people about my sex life or how I privately feel about some people, but to not even divulge who I am seeing intimately is just not going to work for me. Good to know about myself I reckon.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 12-03-2011 at 01:30 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 12-03-2011, 08:02 AM
neegoola's Avatar
neegoola neegoola is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: italy
Posts: 89
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I become very fearful if there is shit going on that people aren't telling me.

Ya, I would rather not tell people about my sex life or how I privately feel about some people, but to not even divulge who I am seeing intimately is just not going to work for me. Good to know about myself I reckon.
i feel the same, RP, BUT sometimes a doubt comes to me: where is the Real meeting point of hidden things (to us) and feeling "sick" about it?
i mean: which is the reason why we cannot stand tricky-eating energy-medieval hiding palces of others even if we keep bit detached from that relationship (at the moment i'm stepping very carefully within one of this kind of connection)?
of course i "know" (well balanced relations based on trust), but sometimes i feel as if a small tessera is missing.. maybe few words here in this direction may help (me) to handle this unusual (for me) actual situation i'm living in this (will-be-short) period..

from the last dream i had tonight: sometimes i look up, but it's too high.
__________________
"as long a i live, i vow to die and be reborn, die and be reborn, die and be reborn, over and over again, forever reinventing myself" r.brezsny
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 12-14-2011, 10:25 AM
neegoola's Avatar
neegoola neegoola is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: italy
Posts: 89
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by neegoola View Post
, but sometimes i feel as if a small tessera is missing..
got it:
yesterday a friend told me that he read in an anthropology book (sorry i can recall the writer name, i'll ask again) researchers' results about telepathy among Australian Bushmen:
as long as we keep opened and naked (no, not in that sense) we "manage" to "communicate" with our closest ones without words (and somehow without even the intention to it) "Stepping" through a web which connects minds and souls, space and time; as soon as we feel we have to "hide" something to our beloved and non-beloved ones, this kind of chemical/electrical connection "expires"; i add that the same may happen in terms of Presence and of Growing as Humans: hiding "covers up" beautiful and non-beautiful "things" so that we don't feel at ease anymore.


hugs
__________________
"as long a i live, i vow to die and be reborn, die and be reborn, die and be reborn, over and over again, forever reinventing myself" r.brezsny
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 02-15-2012, 08:41 AM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 29
Default

Thanks NYCyndie for some down-to-earth, non-judgemental practical advice.

Neegola, this is one of the things that mystifies me regarding DADT - even if you're not telling you surely are telling in that your behaviour, demenour etc change?But i suppose everyone's different, and as I said earlier each ethically to their own

The small lesson I've learned is to get very very clear what kind of contact is or isn't possible after/while the sex is suspended. If I could go back i would spend at least an hour clarifying this and being very specific.... How private is your email? Do you consider maintaining a friendship with me while you're at home to be cheating? Would you feel uncomfortable with that? How much time do you and your partner have apart? etc etc. It didn't occur to me to ask and now its a little difficult - I don't want to communicate in code and I'm not even sure if the email address was given in that spirit. (The wonderful irony is that had we been actually cheating I probably would have thought about all of this!)

I spent a bit of time interrogating one or two people from OK cupid about their DADT arrangements, and one of the things that struck me again is how the person you are not asking and not telling about is often conceived of as either sub-or super-human in the way the arrangements are talked about - sub-human as in useable and discardable in defense of the core relationship, a kind of live sacrifice to keeping one partner sexually satisfied and therefore content in the relationship; or super-human as in expected to be able to just come into your life and leave it without emotional repercussions. (Of course the latter is possible when people are just not that into each other but otherwise a little unrealistic.) Being up front and honest is only a fraction of being ethical and humane.

Unlike many other people on this forum I do see DADT as a form of polyamory, even if it raises a million and ten questions for me (what happens if someone does tell?) It seems to me we have a real gap in thinking such things through in the poly 'community'. I guess it is up to the DADT folk to do the work but i wonder if there's any forums where such might be more vocal?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dadt

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:09 AM.