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  #21  
Old 12-02-2011, 10:15 PM
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@Annabel

I know a few amount of people that swinging was right up their alley, where-as poly was to much bullshit for them. They dropped poly and went to swinging, and it worked better for them. I guess, in a way, I`m one of those people ! 'open' works better for me.
It`s about what SUITS you, and who you are.
So,..just like you can upgrade from swinging to poly, there are people who 'upgrade' from poly to swinging.

There are swingers who like 'exclusive swinging'. You can have true friendship, respect, and warm feelings,..without being all in loooooove.

Sure its very geographical, and not what a good 50-70% of swingers want, but they do exsist. Like anything else, it is a matter of being real with yourself, and figuring out what you truly want.

Though in poobah`s case, I think halting all productions and getting to the core of the issues is the only thing that needs to happen for awhile. At this point, my comment is merely for future readers.
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  #22  
Old 12-02-2011, 10:29 PM
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What is the reason you have for halting all her activity? Jealousy? I don't get it, why not let her go do her thing? If you aren't interested then spend your time doing your work. What's the difference between then and now? I think you are choosing to see this as something it isn't. If she were out to a knitting club it wouldn't be any different. She is could be out doing her thing and you doing yours and you could set a once a week date night to spend time building and securing your bond.

Ya, the swinging thing doesn't seem to be the answer. It sounds like she feels trapped. Let her go do her thing and avoid triggers that make you jealous until things have settled into a routine. Having a date night would give you a chance to create a routine that includes closeness to her.

Why are you concerned with not being attractive to this woman you are now just friends with? If the nre is over and you don't feel like fucking her again then you don't feel like fucking her. No biggy. Things change. It was fun, now its not. I'm not understanding why you are even thinking about it. It seems we are two very different people, the amount of stress you seem to create over things that are of little circumstance to me I find fascinating. Lol, the two of you sound so tightly wound up!
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-03-2011 at 12:46 AM.
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  #23  
Old 12-02-2011, 10:55 PM
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@SourGirl

I respect anyone's choice to go the swinging route. My thought was that if the OP's problem was with his wife being in love with someone else, swinging might seem like a good plan because it would sidestep that issue. But when we see so many stories here of people who thought they were just after sex and then freaked out when they fell in love, I wouldn't consider it a solution because there's no reason for us to ssume that Barbie can, in fact, separate sex and love.

It occurs to me though that I may be way off base in my understanding of the situation. I'm not sure now what exactly made me assume the emotions involved were the problem. Ken, what was the source of your discomfort with Barbie and Stewie's relationship, taking June out of the picture for a minute?
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  #24  
Old 12-02-2011, 11:16 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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The way I was reading it was that his wife got upset that his OSO developed feelings for him ... not the other way around, and that SHE suggested swinging because she likes the sexual rush and doesn't want to worry about emotions being involved.

Original quote: She was mad at her OSO for something stupid BUT was harboring tons of anger towards my OSO for falling in love with me. It all came out yesterday.

Of course I could have read that wrong as well.

RP-- My take on why he wanted to stop all sexual relations with the couple was that he and his wife were NOT healthy as a couple when they began going out with the other couple-- in fact they were on the verge of divorcing.

Original Quote: It's been a tough ride for me. Almost lost our marriage then we got it back but with others involved. I was thinking today that maybe I need time to build this new relationship with my wife first before I can be mature enough to handle polyamory. I'm afraid of the future. I don't want to lose my wife.

and The marriage was almost over. Literally 11th hour type over. How could we build anything with another involved.

If they were a healthy couple I could see your point about not having her end her own relationship just because he isn't into it anymore, but I dont' see how continuing an open relationship when the original couple should never really have ventured there (before dealing with their own shit) will help.

I see this suggestion a lot and my own feeling is that if a couple was myopic enough to date other people when they were in no position to do so healthfully, then maybe stepping back and taking a moment to just be together as a couple, at least long enough to do the work on their relationship (or figure out it isn't working and separate) may be the right thing to do.

Everybody always says that it's not a good idea to have "relationship broken, add more people". So why does that advice suddenly seem to be seen as null and void when they've already made the mistake to venture forth? It's as if once you go into poly, you're stuck with that, even if you did it prematurely and your primary relationship can't handle it yet?

And BTW this isn't directed entirely at you, RP, I've seen this advice a lot lately from a lot of different people. And I agree with that advice of "why should they have to leave what makes them happy because you're having issues" in a lot of cases. But when people want to start dating other people when, and sometimes specifically because, their primary relationship is a mess and they don't do the work to fix that FIRST.. that basically to me just seems selfish and like escapism.

Last edited by Minxxa; 12-02-2011 at 11:22 PM.
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  #25  
Old 12-03-2011, 01:02 AM
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If the issue is really that they were not having a healthy relationship to begin with then ya, I agree. Take a break and figure out what is going on and work on creating a solid relationship again. What I don't get is where jealousy gets mixed up in that.... I guess it seems to me that there are two stories going on here and I am unclear which is the situation and which isn't and if they are related, then how?

K, tell me where I am not getting it if you please?

First off I hear that he asked them to go on hold while they sort their relationship out. She doesn't want to, they don't want to but are anyway and he is feeling guilty about that....

Second of all I hear that he is feeling jealous and that he called it off because he is not in love with the couple and just wants to be friends... what the jealousy is about I don't understand? Jealous that they are all in love? Jealous because he isn't attracted and they are? Jealous because the wife could continue on with the couple and he doesn't want to and will be left with no one? Unclear. What is the fear here or threat?

The first scenario makes me want to say, ya, take a break from all of it. You would do better to sort out your marriage and then go back to the couple and see about creating something with them in some kind of configuration. Either involving everyone sexually or not.

The second makes me think that the jealousy should be dealt with and that there is no reason that wife should stop seeing them. He could bow out and get the encouragement and support he needs to get through the fear and threats that the jealousy seems to be based on.

The thing I find with poly is that nothing really has to be over... just adjusted. If you like these people and they are fun to be with, good support, loving, kind, caring.... whatever value you want to add that makes you connect with people, then why end it all?

Friendships and poly partners are pretty closely linked for me. They are my extended family. I choose them to be in my life because they fit. Not because of rules, boundaries, compromises, sexual encounters, who does what when (event though that is all important stuff too). If you still want these people in your life and it makes you all miserable that they aren't, then have them in your life and negotiate what that means. Ending it all is an option for those that don't want people in their lives and who feel that they would be better off to go in a different direction.

I guess it comes down to a matter of what direction to take and if you both have different ideas of that, how to make it so you can both do what you want to do and still be together.
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  #26  
Old 12-03-2011, 01:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Everybody always says that it's not a good idea to have "relationship broken, add more people". So why does that advice suddenly seem to be seen as null and void when they've already made the mistake to venture forth? It's as if once you go into poly, you're stuck with that, even if you did it prematurely and your primary relationship can't handle it yet?
I think every effort should be made to NOT enter a relationship when you're not ready, but once you're in it and hearts are involved, every effort should be made not to break up two people who care for each other unless the relationship has reached a natural death. As someone whose primary experience of poly has been as a secondary, I have a real sensitivity and trigger about the idea of my relationship having to end because of problems totally outside of what's going on with me and my partner. I can understand why it might have to happen, but I think it could leave a deep scar because there'd be this lack of resolution, potentially moreso than if the relationship ended for its own reasons.
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  #27  
Old 12-03-2011, 03:31 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I think every effort should be made to NOT enter a relationship when you're not ready, but once you're in it and hearts are involved, every effort should be made not to break up two people who care for each other unless the relationship has reached a natural death. As someone whose primary experience of poly has been as a secondary, I have a real sensitivity and trigger about the idea of my relationship having to end because of problems totally outside of what's going on with me and my partner. I can understand why it might have to happen, but I think it could leave a deep scar because there'd be this lack of resolution, potentially moreso than if the relationship ended for its own reasons.
I totally understand where you're coming from AnnabelMore. And I agree that the person who got pulled into an unhealthy relationship is in a bad place and I woudn't wish for them to get hurt.

But here's the thing that hits me (and I admit I'm very very triggered by this as well but from the other side) -- the person who loses in all of this is the person whose partner went out and started a relationship when they shouldn't have. At this point it ends up being a choice of either sucking it up and trying to fix your relationship while your partner is knee-deep in NRE and not as motivated (and that's if they remember you're still there at all), or leave the relationship.

And here's another thing .... if a person is NOT in a secure relationship, then of COURSE they feel insecure-- because the relationship isn't secure! Being in an insecure situation will make you feel insecure. That's a feeling based in reality. It's a warning that things are not right, and shouldn't be ignored.

And RP-- poobah's wife was very jealous that poobah's OSO had developed feelings for her him, so they are both dealing with insecurity and jealousy and not handling the emotions well. That to me, indicates that they need to work on themselves individually and as a couple before they are involved with other people whose hearts may be on the line.

Plus, I don't think poobah originally, or I in any of my posts suggested ending the relationship. I think that asking for six months or so to get the hard work done in the couple isn't that big of a request and in the end will benefit everybody involved, including the OSO's. I believe poobah asked for a respite, and only asked for the sexual aspect to be curtailed while they work on things, not that they stop seeing each other at all. Honestly, I would think a healthy person would be okay with that, knowing that if the work is done there will be a healthier relationship for all involved at some point. Just my thoughts...

Last edited by Minxxa; 12-03-2011 at 03:46 AM.
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  #28  
Old 12-03-2011, 05:35 AM
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I do get where you're coming from, Minx. And frankly, as an OSO, I would pause the situation myself if I realized that our relationship was ruining my partner's primary relationship. I don't want to be responsible for that, nor do I want to see my loved one lose something so important. I realize that may sound contradictory to what I said before, but I think it's a balance between not just abandoning secondary relationships when things get tough and recognizing when there's no good way to proceed.
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  #29  
Old 12-03-2011, 05:56 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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And see.. I would be that way too. I would want the person I'm with to be secure in their other relationships and take the time to do that before we went further. Both for them... and selfishly for myself because I know that if their primary relationship is secure that we will be in a better spot as well. I really don't like the drama, so anything that can keep that away wins in my book!

Personally I just saw in Poobah's postings (one-sided as they are), a lot of unfinished work with both him and his wife. And not dealing with it doesn't help them, OR the people they involve themselves with.
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  #30  
Old 12-03-2011, 07:49 PM
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Hi.

Really bad night. I lost it last night and told my OSO June it was over. I told her it became a friendship. I lost the desire to be romantically involved with her. I also lost the desire to be physical with her. Just another down moment when I struggled with "why" I don't feel that way. I reached my breaking point and decided that I didn't want to hurt anybody anymore with the OK/Not OK drama.

Obviously everyone took it really hard. My wife is really hurt by this. I woke up today and being true to a scorpio, she stabbed me. My wife said she didn't love me like that and didn't think things between us would work. Later this afternoon she retracted from this and said she is just having a hard time coping. Still I wonder if our marriage will have what it takes to make it on it's own.

Through this I realize something really sad. I had problems with this. I have always had problems making decisions but this made it worse. My inability to make a decision itself wore me down. I had major jealousy, anger and lots of negative emotions in my life. Some due to this, some not.

It was my problems, my own drama that made me feel this way. I should have gone for help sooner. I keep asking myself if only I got the help I needed to find the root of the problem I would have found a good peace with this and really enjoyed it.

As I expected I miss my own OSO today. However I'm sad because I know I ruined any chance of us ever being that way. Also for my wife who now is dealing with a loss. No I did not ask her to stop or get him out of her life. She is convinced I will never be ok. We also talked and she asked me.

I told her the truth. It would be hurting me if it continued. I had thought throughout this time to just find someone else to take me away from my inner turmoil. In this state of mind all it would take is someone else to come along and I would not have a chance at saving my marriage. My children would not have a full time father.

I am fine with them being friends as I keep an open mind and still desire to be friends with my former OSO.

fyi on the swinging thing. My wife admitted she was looking to replace what she was losing. She said she was still intrigued but it probably was not what she really wanted.
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