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  #11  
Old 12-01-2011, 06:10 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Is this a bit of drama on her part because she is feeling uneasy about this situation or is she serious... I am beginning to wonder if I am missing something here because it seems a bit over the top.

You said you are not interested in a quad situation any more but would be fine with your wife and the couple continuing on without you on this level... you plan to work on building a more solid relationship with your wife. Is this what you said originally? What has changed? I don't get why you feel so bad in this...

I would be really surprised if anyone would want you to live a life that isn't working for you. I get that its an adjustment, but its not like you have to just stop talking to them. You can be friends and spend time together, just not having sex or developing a relationship in a romantic way. Your wife can go about doing that while you do your own thing when they are all together....

The whole thing just seems a little over emotional and I don't get why...
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  #12  
Old 12-01-2011, 03:08 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Correct me if I got this wrong...you fall for this women, she gets her husband to agree to open up the marriage. You then try to get your wife on board, with the help of the other couple she comes around...You and the women are HAPPY for a time. Then because of the circumstance and now relate-able the situation, the husband and your wife form a support group which leads to them becoming involved with each other. That made you (unhappy). Its a struggle for you with jealousy and the usual stuff. Then she told you she loves you but not " in love" with you or see's you in a lustful way...or not turned on by you (from memory)....this was a crushing blow to you. The two of you then have problems sexually and things further devolve.
And now you have become so tortured by all this you want to stop.....and want her to stop as well. Or at least stop having sex with the other man or couple. Ideally you'd want it to go back to the way it was a year or 2 before you got that great idea.

Did I get this essentially right.


It sounds to me you carry a lot of guilt and other emotions for pushing this situation into 2-3 peoples lives and now you're the one that can't handle it.

Maybe you need to get some therapy or counseling to figure out what you really need or want independent of the group. However now that you put these other balls in play you might be screwed as to actually achieving it.
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  #13  
Old 12-02-2011, 02:45 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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wow you area all right. dingedheart you have followed my story well.

Over emotional response from the wife..OMG YES! I had a busy business meeting all day and was not involved but she went all MAD at the other two. She was mad at her OSO for something stupid BUT was harboring tons of anger towards my OSO for falling in love with me. It all came out yesterday. It was all but over. We were going to move away and never have them in our lives then she calmed down. Started talking nicely. She told me she had gotten her second period in one month and woke up very angry.

When I got home we had a really great moment. She was so concerned that she hurt me saying things like..."what did I do to you?", "your a mess?" but she was making all these assumptions. I told her I was not hurt. I still loved her. I was not ever going to leave her.

Later that night the BOMBSHELL hits. She directly up and asked me if I would be up for swinging or another OSO in the future assuming we ruined our existing OSO relationships in that way. She admitted that she was really enjoying someone else. I said, "I just asked to take a break to help overcome my jealousy and you ask to go swinging lifestyle?....HOLY SHIT!! WTH!!!

I didn't get angry. Instead I was intrigued and thought a little about it. we talked a bit. Later that night I realized just how much she was enjoying herself. How I could never compete with someone new. I just felt like I have to overcome this because it's something she really wants in her life.

I admit I am a little concerned that she is the good girl gone bad syndrome. I mean it almost felt like she was on a drug and was asking for more. Not a bad drug (sex) of course .

So we agreed to go to counseling. We found a local counselor who works with all types of lifestyles. I look forward to this.

However I wonder...Was I not enjoying myself because of my jealousy or because I just lost the desire for being physical with my OSO. I mean my OSO is my BEST friend and maybe our relationship just went there.

I just wonder with people like my wife. Communication is key right? Why do so many people in this world hold thier emotions in for months or years?

Can I send a check to you guys? Support for the website or something? You have all been so supportive and helpful.
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  #14  
Old 12-02-2011, 03:25 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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There seems to be a lot of emotional undercurrent going on with your wife (and you, but you know about that ). A lot of people keep things inside for years for many different reasons, sometimes they feel if they just push it all down it will go away and they don't want to deal with it, sometimes it's fear, sometimes it's that their feelings go against the life they think they should have-- it's endless really. And the only way you're going to know what's really going on with your wife and why it's been kept inside so long is to ask her.

So... counseling sounds like exactly what the two of you need right now. I'm glad you found somebody who is knowledgeable about these types of relationships, that makes a big difference.

Something I've learned (in my schooling to become a counselor, but also in my private life as well) is that there is an interesting process that happens with love and relationships that is just as much physiological as mental and emotional. Around here it's called NRE, but basically when you are attracted to somebody your body releases a ton of chemicals -- seratonin and dopamine-- which make you feel GOOD beyond belief. The purpose of these chemicals is to bond you with a mate and keep you there, at least long enough to procreate and have a baby (the chemicals generally taper off after about 18 months), and then usually other chemicals are released (oxytocin) which keep you bonded after that.

The reason the chemicals dissipate after 18 months or so is that they are so powerful that you wouldn't be able to function properly in life if they stayed forever! But the downside is that these chemicals-- which activate the same part of the brain as drugs like heroin-- can also affect your judgment and impulse control. So basically you see the person you're into through seratonin-tinted glasses. Their faults are not noticed or are no big deal, their positives accentuated, etc.

And when the drugs wear off, that's when you really see if what you have is a strong bond, or not. This point-- is where love actually happens. When you start to see the person as they REALLY are, and choose to love them. It's also where the work comes in, with needing to communicate about issues and work through them.

People can make really bad decisions in the midst of this NRE stage which is why around here they say wait at LEAST a year or maybe more before making big decisions like moving across country, moving in, etc. Another side effect is that their focus can be so on the person that they're having these feelings for that they literally ignore the other people or responsibilities in their lives. And lastly, people can get addicted to that "feeling", and start flitting here and there to get that rush and high.

So maybe a question you might want to ask in counseling would be if she could see waiting, say six months, and allowing the two of you to work through things in counseling, to build your foundations, to work on yourselves independently so that you can bring your best self to the relationship. I would think that's not a lot of time for her to be on "pause", but enough time to really take a good deep breath, clear the air of the NRE, come down to earth and take care of each other for a little bit. It might also give you some time to look at where your insecurities are coming from and work through them in counseling where you can have help in expressing those concerns and seeing what is something you need to work on for yourself and what might be concerns that you can work on with your partner (i.e. need more hugs and reassurances when she's in the throes of NRE, or something like that).

The concern in the back of my head is that she may be becoming addicted to that NRE feeling, the seratonin and dopamine high (i.e. she wants to do swinging where she feels that high and runs with it until she doesn't and then finds somebody else who provides it, with no feelings or actual relationships getting in the way.) And chasing that high could definitely impact your relationship (and her own life) if not done with care, caution and consideration. This, of course, is just a possibility, but something that could be discussed more deeply with a professional.
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  #15  
Old 12-02-2011, 03:34 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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drop my end into the nearest Salvation Army kettle. I heard the worst high school carolers working a red kettle last night ...I gave them 5 bucks to stop singing....it was an assault on Christmas. Hey, I'm not some snob...6-8 tone deaf kids...I blame glee and American idol not everyone should sing in public.
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  #16  
Old 12-02-2011, 03:37 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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wow, thanks. Hit the nail on the head so to speak. That's why I think the break would be good. If even for a short while.

This is some complicated stuff but you know something. I used to suffer from anxiety attacks and dare I say I have been cured? I have not needed OTC drugs in a year and have no anxiety attacks about anything.

Thanks for your reply!
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  #17  
Old 12-02-2011, 03:39 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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haha!! Too funny but I totally get it! I'll be working in NYC now and I certainly will drop a donation in there for ya. Although they won't stop singing!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
drop my end into the nearest Salvation Army kettle. I heard the worst high school carolers working a red kettle last night ...I gave them 5 bucks to stop singing....it was an assault on Christmas. Hey, I'm not some snob...6-8 tone deaf kids...I blame glee and American idol not everyone should sing in public.
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  #18  
Old 12-02-2011, 05:31 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Don't do swinging if you can't handle poly, feelings may well develop where it was supposed to be "just" sex, and then you're right back where you were.

I am NOT trying to make you feel guilty, but I do hope that ultimately things can work out with her and the man in the other couple if their feelings for each other persist through the break. If you can overcome your difficulties with it, there's no reason that your relationship or lack thereof with the woman of the couple should have to play into it at all. I think the time spent outside of the situation and the counseling will help immensely either way.
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  #19  
Old 12-02-2011, 06:39 PM
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I'm not quite sure I'm clear on the situation as it is now. Maybe you could come up with a nickname for your (ex-)OSOs, and your wife?

I think it is very good for you to take a break if you need it! I also think you should ask your wife to work with you, and try to take things slow in her relationship. I do not think it is reasonable of you to demand her to break up with her OSO because you feel like you can't handle everything. Do I understand correctly that that is what you asked for? That she no longer be in a romantic/sexual relationship with him? And you can't offer her (and him) any timeline here?

I understand you are feeling hurt and overwhelmed, but by opening things up you made a commitment to that. I think you should ask for things which give you time to process, but do not avoid the issue. How much time do you usually spend with the other couple? How much time does your wife spend with her OSO? It sounds like you need time to process, time to focus on your relationship with your wife. You can have that without demanding she break up with him. How about you come to an agreement that they spend less time together, but still can carry on a relationship? Rather that going back to monogamy for the next 6 months, could you come to an agreement that for the next 6 months she only sees him maybe once a week or every other weekend, and also that she wouldn't start any new sexual/romantic relationships during that time? And then revisit those agreements after that time?

And by the way, I completely agree that counselling is a VERY good idea!

Last edited by rory; 12-02-2011 at 07:08 PM.
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  #20  
Old 12-02-2011, 08:29 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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My OSO: June
Her OSO: Stewie
Me: Ken
Wife: Barbie



Anyway no I did not tell my wife to stop. In fact I first asked to slow things down to maybe being physical once a month. She didn't like that. So then since I am starting basically a new career I asked to take a break to I can 1) study for my new job and 2) stop hurting people with all my ups and downs.

She took this and ran with it.

One thing she mentioned was she didn't think I was attracted to my OSO June. Truth is, after my wife started being physical with him I kind of lost a lot of that attraction. It doesn't help that she is not my type (shallow I know) but she is very attractive. Just some stupid physical hold ups. Short hair and big breasts. I am a big hair guy and it's a freaking odd fetish. I don't know if I lost something due to my wife being with another man or I exited the NRE phase and realized the attraction just was not there. I do love June. I never had any doubt about that.

ugh. figuring myself out is really hard.

Last edited by poobah123; 12-02-2011 at 08:30 PM. Reason: names
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