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  #291  
Old 11-27-2011, 05:14 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
I'm just another newbie to this forum who got hooked for ages reading through your blog. Phew, all caught up... and just in time for sunrise
Ha, yeah, bit of a novel, ain't it? Or at least a collection of themed short stories. Let me know if you have any thoughts/reactions!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #292  
Old 11-29-2011, 03:15 AM
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Ok, so... I was writing a post on someone else's thread, trying to impart the message that it can sometimes be vital to leave someone you love. I realized that I'd written something way too personal and that it should go here. I posted the advice and a link in case she wants the context I'm coming from, but I just didn't feel right using her thread for what had become a platform for exorcising my own demons

* **

The longest relationship I've ever been in lasted three years and ended four and a half years ago. The last year of that relationship, especially the last 6 months was just... well, it left scars. I knew I needed to leave but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept convincing myself that it made sense to stay, that it would get better. Deep down I knew that what we had had become broken, I knew that I wanted and needed to move on. I knew that as much as it was a matter of love, my guilt and his dependency were what was holding me in place. And it was like none of that knowledge mattered.

We alienated some of our close friends, who couldn't stand the tension between us. We went on an awesome overseas trip halfway through that year and for a long time after I couldn't think of the trip without crying because it was such a beautiful escape in what was otherwise all too often a sea of pain. I stopped writing in my personal journal because I was too disgusted with myself. I tried to walk away a few times but each time I lost my resolve.

I had always understood intellectually what it meant to "live a lie" but actually doing it was... not good. For a while I sort of watched my life, detached, thinking "Wow, it's really possible to live like this. I could go on like this indefinitely, just losing more and more of myself." The thought was sickening but it wasn't enough to give me the strength to end it and that just made it even worse. Plenty of the time we were actually happy together, is the funny thing, we laughed and did stuff together and had sex even as our emotional lives deteriorated. But eventually even those good things got tainted and messed up and sad more often than not.

On the outside things were fine, I was prospering at work, I kept busy. Those closest to us knew different, of course. We screamed at each other and cried some nights, and once in the street in the middle of the day, and it still didn't end. It was never going to just magically end on its own or magically get better. And he wasn't going to end it himself, he wasn't going to let me go. He threatened suicide a couple of times after things had gotten really bad and to this day I don't believe he was trying to manipulate me, he had lost control of things just like I had and was floundering, failing. It would have to be up to me and I blew it.

I loved him so much, I really did. I wanted so much for things to just... be ok. Somewhere deep down I didn't believe that I could just leave any time I wanted. Or maybe I really just didn't have the strength, I don't know.

And then, finally, I began lining up a place to stay. I still didn't know if I would go through with it, up until the very moment I left. I left him huddled in a corner, totally broken. I left the man I loved, calling on the people who loved him to come save him but not knowing if it would be enough. Not knowing if he would even make it, but I somehow managed to reach the place in myself where my soul mattered more than staying with him in the hell we had managed to make in the midst of what had once been the best thing in either of our lives.

The really strange thing is that the guy in the story above is the same guy I've been dating for the last 6 months. Yeah, I know, I'm surprised too believe me. But the thing is, we had then and still have a deep base of compatibility, respect, trust, and caring. I never stopped loving him, he never stopped loving me. The problem wasn't in our love it was in the situation and our wills. I loved someone else and that was unacceptable and my desire to leave, combined with my paralyzing guilt and sense of responsibility, and his inability to just release me, it all just ruined what we had until it couldn't possibly be ok and we were both acting in extremely dysfunctional ways. Since then we've had a long time to heal ourselves, understand what happened, make amends to one another and become stronger and more independent people.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #293  
Old 12-01-2011, 03:58 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Gia and I have plans to spend the evening together at her place tomorrow night, which I've been looking forward to all week. No expectations whatsoever on my part, I wasn't even really thinking of it as a date, just looking forward to being together.

She messages me today and says that a relative unexpectedly needs to be in town and is staying with them, which might put a cramp on our style. Oh, I say, would you rather postpone? No, she says, it's ok, it just messes with some of her plans for our time together. Right, I reply jokingly, less with the nude oil massages and more with the tea and polite conversation. She grumbles and says "I even had the oil all picked out too. But, well, at least time moves forward and we'll have plenty of other opportunities." I have no idea if we're joking now or not, so I just say that I'm fully confident that we will indeed.

I am *loving* the idea that after a full year of yearning for her I've truly grown accustomed to things and can be patient and calm about it, and now maybe *she's* finally itching to be with *me* and getting impatient herself!! Role reversal, baby. Not that I want her to suffer, and certainly not that I'll deny her when she's ready, but I loooove the idea of being the cool cat who lets her get all hot and bothered to the point that she comes after me. Getting excited as I type this...

Eric did end up sleeping with Liza, btw. I feel no jealousy about it and frankly only mild curiosity about whether it's helping spur her to reconnect with me. Hey, as long as the result is that I'm holding her and touching her and tasting her and loving her with my whole body instead of only with my heart and mind sooner rather than later...

It might not hurt too that I've been texting her risque pictures of myself lately.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #294  
Old 12-01-2011, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
It might not hurt too that I've been texting her risque pictures of myself lately.
Excellent strategy.
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  #295  
Old 12-01-2011, 08:43 PM
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I had a long, convoluted, fuzzily-recalled dream last night, which is normal for me. Two parts I remember clearly, both involving Jay.

At one point, he and I were in a parking garage saying goodbye. I reached out as if to embrace him and he got an amused look in his eyes and acted like he was going to fight me rather then let me do it. We tussled playfully, which ended up with us on the ground and me on top of him (I assume he let me win since he's much bigger then me). I gave him a quick hug and then jumped up. Davis was there too but was asleep.

Later, for some reason, Jay and I were in a bed together. We nuzzled, then cuddled, then kissed, then made out, and then we were having PiV sex. After a minute of that I stopped him, knowing that we shouldn't have done it. I asked him if he would tell Davis, he said no. I wasn't sure what I would do. I felt guilty and worried and angry (at myself, but also at Davis for being the reason that something that felt so good was wrong). I sighed "I wish this could just be ok with him..."

Interesting contrast to the dreams I had when Davis and I first got back together, which were explicitly about not breaking our boundaries. Maybe I'm ready to talk to him about opening things up more? I've thought about whether or not I want to see Harry again, but I don't feel quite ready for it somehow.

It's funny, if it had just been an uncomplicated sex dream about Jay I would have been pleased to have had it. But the fact that it was a dream about cheating made it, while still hot, uncomfortable and sad. Bleh. Stupid brain.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #296  
Old 12-01-2011, 10:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I had a long, convoluted, fuzzily-recalled dream last night, which is normal for me. Two parts I remember clearly, both involving Jay. ... We nuzzled, then cuddled, then kissed, then made out, and then we were having PiV sex. After a minute of that I stopped him, knowing that we shouldn't have done it. I asked him if he would tell Davis, he said no. I wasn't sure what I would do. I felt guilty and worried and angry ... Maybe I'm ready to talk to him about opening things up more? I've thought about whether or not I want to see Harry again, but I don't feel quite ready for it somehow.
Eh, dreams reflect many things like what's been on our minds lately, recent conversations, what we ate that night , but I don't think they are signs telling us what actions we need to take in real life. They are so much about symbolism, so who knows how many ways they can be interpreted.

The sex part of your dream, and the part about not telling Davis, could just be a visual representation of the crush you have for Jay, and that you haven't told Davis about it (correct?). Maybe you feel down deep that that is a boundary.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #297  
Old 12-02-2011, 04:14 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Maybe you feel down deep that that is a boundary.
Dream interpretation aside, I have this theory about falling for friends of people you are attracted to. I realised at one point that I have crushes on both my long-term partners' close friends... say partners in crime or "brofriends" or whatever. I was wondering whether this is related to a poly-style mindset, when you feel abundant love for someone, you may emotionally "net in" the other romances/bromances etc of theirs: you are attracted to those who are attracted to those who attract you, we all fall into this magnetic melting pot and BOOM

Well, not really that, but I've been thinking of it as a kind of syndrome... to crush on the brofriend. It's almost inevitable... but it's got way more at stake obviously, with the need to be respectful of their friendship dynamics.

It may be that Davis wouldn't be comfortable with you getting with together Jay sexually/romantically... but luckily there are many ways to be intimate and I'm sure if you're both drawn to getting to know each other better, you'll find a path through

Without going into the details here (may blog on it separately myself) this is what's happened with me + the two brofriends of my two SOs, and my desires (surprisingly!) have been totally sated.
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  #298  
Old 12-02-2011, 05:14 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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@Nyc - I also don't see dreams as signs I need to follow, but I do find that I can figure things out about where I'm at sometimes by paying attention to them. And yeah, still haven't said anything to Davis... maybe soon.

@Fuchka - I've definitely noticed that tendency in myself, of falling for the people closest to my partner. I think you're right on the money with this, "when you feel abundant love for someone, you may emotionally "net in" the other romances/bromances etc of theirs." I look forward to hearing more of your story.

I'm not concerned by it all at this stage. I've had many many crushes in my life, just not so much in recent years, which is what makes this one more noticeable...
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #299  
Old 12-02-2011, 05:19 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Maybe you feel down deep that that is a boundary.
I'm curious what you mean by this? I feel like it could be interpreted more than one way.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #300  
Old 12-02-2011, 06:54 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I noticed yesterday that Eric had posted on facebook about needing to find something for him and Bee to do that night. I was surprised -- had Gia asked him to clear out for our date? I knew it would be better to let them work it out on their own, but I gave in to curiosity and concern and asked her about it.

She was very annoyed with him. Apparently she had told him days ago that she wanted alone time with me tonight (his aunt decided to go home after all) and had told him she could go to my place, but he had said it was ok, he would make plans to go out. She felt like him posting about it online and clearly having no plan on the day of was thoughtless of him because she was already feeling guilty for "kicking out her family" from her home. I think she was also embarrassed that I had seen it and worried that I would now feel bad. I wished I'd gone with my first impulse and ignored it. :/

Luckily the two of them worked it out. Eric put Bee in a carrying harness and went to the diner down the street to have dessert and coffee and read for a couple of hours (to his credit, he *was* trying to find a friend to hang with but no one was answering their phone, and he made it clear that the diner was totally cool with him and he would come back when he got too bored).

I watched Gia's face as they left and she looked as if she was about to cry. I know she cherishes every moment with her husband and son and feels like there's never enough time, and it's been a terribly stressful week for her (drama at work, money troubles), so her distress didn't surprise me and I didn't let myself feel even a little guilty. A little time apart will hardly hurt them, and of course she knew that too. She got over it quickly and we enjoyed a quiet dinner together.

We laid down together in her bed, just the two of us for the first time in a long time. Face to face, bodies touching, mostly clothed. We talked and touched in intimate but not sexual ways (brushing back one another's hair, touching each other's backs and arms, etc.). She apologized, said that she had wanted to be more amorous but just didn't have the energy. I told her that I was just excited that it was something she *could* want again, and that I was so happy to be close and alone with her.

I had no real sense of time as we lay there. We said sweet and loving things to each other and kissed a little. I could have stayed there with her for hours. So genuine, warm, reassuring. She told me that this was something she had wanted to give me for a while, a special night just for me. She knows that my primary love language is physical touch, and she gave me just what I needed.

Eventually Eric came home. He said that the waitress had given him his sundae for free because she was so enamored of Bee. I had a strong urge to hold him, kiss him all over, touch his face. I settled for hugging him and kissing his neck. I can't wait until he and I can become closer again, and as the physical relationship between Gia and I re-knits itself, I feel that time coming closer and closer.

On the drive home I felt quiet and perfectly content in a way I haven't in a while.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-02-2011 at 07:03 PM.
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