reasonable or control freak?

[ladyjools]

i don't see any problem with checking in, saying where you are, and what time you think will be home, that is fair enough but saying you have to be home by 11pm and there is no flexibility in this i feel is too restrictive, but thats just how id feel there is nothing to say that the OPs partner would not be more than ok with this
i am all for being flexible and understanding but i just would hate to give up the possibility to be spontanious!

Jools

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by ladyjools

i just would hate to give up the possibility to be spontanious!

Jools

As long as "being spontaneous" is an accepted practice within your relationship then that is great! I think for most, the idea of "spontaneity" is akin to communicating after the fact. Especially in new experiences with poly I think communication before the fact is extremely important.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Out of respect a discussion on checking in and what time I will be home is perfectly acceptable and I wouldn't see this as being treated as a child at all.

On the contrary, I would see this as being treated as an adult, and an adult should have no problem checking in with their loved ones so that they wouldn't worry.

My husband keeps a crazy schedule (and mind you, this has NOTHING to do with dating other people), and I often wake up in the middle of the night and call him to make sure he's ok (especially around 3 or 4 am when the bars and comedy clubs are closed).

When I went on my whole TWO dates with my other guy, husband called me JUST to make sure I was ok. It's nice to know that someone cares enough to do that.

[Rarechild]

Originally Posted by BigGuy

It seems to me that these are trust building requests. In other words, you are trying to find out if is she going to do what she says she is going to do?

Change can be scary, and can make anybody with an emotional investment cringe. This is an area of your relationship in which she has not yet had the opportunity to earn your trust.

I don't think these are unreasonable requests for the beginning start of a new relationship.

I agree with the BigGuy. Once she has shown you that she respects your concerns/boundaries/feelings and needs, and this experience shows itself a good one for all involved, you may not feel the need for reassurance quite as much.

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm putting a link to a previous post of mine which deals with the positive results of having and respecting boundries. I think it may be relevant in this discussion....if not..sorry

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=772

[ladyjools]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

As long as "being spontaneous" is an accepted practice within your relationship then that is great! I think for most, the idea of "spontaneity" is akin to communicating after the fact. Especially in new experiences with poly I think communication before the fact is extremely important.

if i am out i DO check in, i send a text or i will make a call, so he knows where i am and i tell him what time i expect to be home,

however
if i decide that i want to change my plans and spend the night, or if something happens and im going to be later, then i simply send a text or make a call to let him know and its usually no problem unless there is some spesific need for me to come home when i said i would then being spontanious is fine,

so its not really after the fact because i do check in i just am allowed to change my plans, i don't have a set time to be home and i am allowed to spend the night away from home, and i give same privladges to him. I don't see why having set time to come home and not being allowed to stay out all night would be a problem if you know where your partner is and know that they are safe,
and they are meeting your needs and spending quality time and being respectful.

Jools

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by ladyjools

I don't see why having set time to come home and not being allowed to stay out all night would be a problem if you know where your partner is and know that they are safe,
and they are meeting your needs and spending quality time and being respectful.

Jools

This is a new relationship Ladyjools...think of it from a new persons perspective. Of course the boundries and flexibility would evolve as the comfort level increaesed...you're in a different place and I understand that.

[ladyjools]

i don't think i was ever in the place where i had those restrictions,
and so it is hard for me to understand them im more curious as to why that would be needed.

Jools

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by ladyjools

i don't think i was ever in the place where i had those restrictions,
and so it is hard for me to understand them im more curious as to why that would be needed.

Jools

Now I understand And I don't mean to be anything but curious but didn't you have a thread which dealt with your desire for your other lover to restrict getting involved with anyone else until you settle into your relationship? To some people that restriction would be totally unacceptable and would be hard to understand. See what I am saying? This is merely a matter of perspective...not judgement.

[redpepper]

I'm a little surprised Ladyjools. Weren't you saying in a thread you started that you were concerned about your own man around boundaries? I'm surprised that you would stay out all night if your partner had some feelings around that. If he didn't then great, but we aren't talking about that, were talking about meeting people where they are at...?at the start of coming into poly...