Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 11-06-2009, 05:42 PM
ladyjools's Avatar
ladyjools ladyjools is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 175
Default

i don't see any problem with checking in, saying where you are, and what time you think will be home, that is fair enough but saying you have to be home by 11pm and there is no flexibility in this i feel is too restrictive, but thats just how id feel there is nothing to say that the OPs partner would not be more than ok with this
i am all for being flexible and understanding but i just would hate to give up the possibility to be spontanious!

Jools
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-06-2009, 05:53 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
i just would hate to give up the possibility to be spontanious!

Jools
As long as "being spontaneous" is an accepted practice within your relationship then that is great! I think for most, the idea of "spontaneity" is akin to communicating after the fact. Especially in new experiences with poly I think communication before the fact is extremely important.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 11-06-2009, 05:57 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Out of respect a discussion on checking in and what time I will be home is perfectly acceptable and I wouldn't see this as being treated as a child at all.
On the contrary, I would see this as being treated as an adult, and an adult should have no problem checking in with their loved ones so that they wouldn't worry.

My husband keeps a crazy schedule (and mind you, this has NOTHING to do with dating other people), and I often wake up in the middle of the night and call him to make sure he's ok (especially around 3 or 4 am when the bars and comedy clubs are closed).

When I went on my whole TWO dates with my other guy, husband called me JUST to make sure I was ok. It's nice to know that someone cares enough to do that.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 11-06-2009 at 05:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 11-06-2009, 05:59 PM
Rarechild's Avatar
Rarechild Rarechild is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: SW Michigan
Posts: 600
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BigGuy View Post
It seems to me that these are trust building requests. In other words, you are trying to find out if is she going to do what she says she is going to do?

Change can be scary, and can make anybody with an emotional investment cringe. This is an area of your relationship in which she has not yet had the opportunity to earn your trust.

I don't think these are unreasonable requests for the beginning start of a new relationship.
I agree with the BigGuy. Once she has shown you that she respects your concerns/boundaries/feelings and needs, and this experience shows itself a good one for all involved, you may not feel the need for reassurance quite as much.
__________________
"Rocks will open and make a way for the lover."
~Hazrat Inayat Khan


I love Catfish and Charlie.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 11-06-2009, 06:06 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default Beauty of Boundries

I'm putting a link to a previous post of mine which deals with the positive results of having and respecting boundries. I think it may be relevant in this discussion....if not..sorry

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=772
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 11-06-2009, 06:11 PM
ladyjools's Avatar
ladyjools ladyjools is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 175
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
As long as "being spontaneous" is an accepted practice within your relationship then that is great! I think for most, the idea of "spontaneity" is akin to communicating after the fact. Especially in new experiences with poly I think communication before the fact is extremely important.
if i am out i DO check in, i send a text or i will make a call, so he knows where i am and i tell him what time i expect to be home,

however
if i decide that i want to change my plans and spend the night, or if something happens and im going to be later, then i simply send a text or make a call to let him know and its usually no problem unless there is some spesific need for me to come home when i said i would then being spontanious is fine,

so its not really after the fact because i do check in i just am allowed to change my plans, i don't have a set time to be home and i am allowed to spend the night away from home, and i give same privladges to him. I don't see why having set time to come home and not being allowed to stay out all night would be a problem if you know where your partner is and know that they are safe,
and they are meeting your needs and spending quality time and being respectful.

Jools
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 11-06-2009, 06:14 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
I don't see why having set time to come home and not being allowed to stay out all night would be a problem if you know where your partner is and know that they are safe,
and they are meeting your needs and spending quality time and being respectful.

Jools
This is a new relationship Ladyjools...think of it from a new persons perspective. Of course the boundries and flexibility would evolve as the comfort level increaesed...you're in a different place and I understand that.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 11-06-2009, 06:17 PM
ladyjools's Avatar
ladyjools ladyjools is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 175
Default

i don't think i was ever in the place where i had those restrictions,
and so it is hard for me to understand them im more curious as to why that would be needed.

Jools
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 11-06-2009, 06:25 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
i don't think i was ever in the place where i had those restrictions,
and so it is hard for me to understand them im more curious as to why that would be needed.

Jools
Now I understand And I don't mean to be anything but curious but didn't you have a thread which dealt with your desire for your other lover to restrict getting involved with anyone else until you settle into your relationship? To some people that restriction would be totally unacceptable and would be hard to understand. See what I am saying? This is merely a matter of perspective...not judgement.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 11-06-2009, 06:36 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,636
Default

I'm a little surprised Ladyjools. Weren't you saying in a thread you started that you were concerned about your own man around boundaries? I'm surprised that you would stay out all night if your partner had some feelings around that. If he didn't then great, but we aren't talking about that, were talking about meeting people where they are at...?at the start of coming into poly...
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, rules, second partner, third partner

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:28 PM.