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  #11  
Old 11-28-2011, 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Storm View Post
Thanks for your input redpepper... I'm not sure either of us could stand living with someone if we didn't feel they were our friend and we only tolerated them.
I'm a little confused as to what in my post suggested you live with someone you can't tolerate. I was telling you my story about living in a vee because it is possible to care and love people who are your partners partner without being sexually involved with them or considering them your partner.

Poly gives me the opportuntiy to love people completely. I have friends that I hold in moments of comfort while they cry on my shoulder that I would never have out side of my poly community. Some people have sexual relationships with their friends and have partners that seem for an out sider to be equally as close.
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  #12  
Old 11-29-2011, 05:45 AM
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I'm a little confused as to what in my post suggested you live with someone you can't tolerate. I was telling you my story about living in a vee because it is possible to care and love people who are your partners partner without being sexually involved with them or considering them your partner.
Sorry, I must have misunderstood something in the original post. Just rushing off to work now but I do understand what you're saying now.
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  #13  
Old 11-29-2011, 06:39 AM
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annabelmore im glad that post came in useful and helpful for others as well!

storm and rain it is most definitely interesting journey and being the third to a lesbian couple reading this reminds me some of my situation because i know that my girls at some point had the same thoughts. while ideally it would be great to find someone to love equally right off it hard to say its completely possible because there is always going to be a stronger bond with one than the other but i htink over time that bond can level out for both. do i love my girls, absolutely and would do anything for them. i do not i love one less than the other but my dynamic with each of them is different so our relationships are on different levels.
i love them both most for their differences.

im an optimist (its one of my more obnoxious qualities since one of my girls is a massive pessimist) and i think that over time (and with the work) a triad set on equal grounds can lead to a third loving both partners equally.

good luck with everything
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  #14  
Old 11-29-2011, 07:53 AM
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Hi Mekodesu, your story gives me hope! We understand that the relationship will not develop with each of us at the same pace and that we will all connect with each other in different ways. But in the end we would, ideally, like what you described above.
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  #15  
Old 11-29-2011, 11:09 AM
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We have talked a bit more as well and neither of us is ready for the other person to go out dating on their own. I don't know that we ever would be because neither of us wants an open relationship in that sense.
Why not? I'm not asking to imply that you must change that, mind you, just to get you to think about the reasons behind why the thought makes you uncomfortable. What about an open relationship makes you feel bad?
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  #16  
Old 11-29-2011, 01:07 PM
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Yeah, I'm with Rain on this. It wouldn't make me feel bad, just not comfortable. It's just not me. As was said, we still want some type of monogamy, but in terms of a triad or possible a Vee.
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  #17  
Old 11-29-2011, 10:49 PM
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As was said, we still want some type of monogamy, but in terms of a triad or possible a Vee.
I think you mean you want polyfidelity, not monogamy.

From my observation, I think a successful polyfidelitous triad seems to happen organically rather than by trying to put a third person into place who will love both of the other two equally. It's good you are open to a Vee, I think. There is more possibility that way. A Vee can evolve into a triad, though we usually hear more about things happening the other way around. But you know, poly relationships sometimes take a long time to evolve and be fully comfortable for everyone. Sometimes it takes years.

Either way, vee or triad, wouldn't dating be one of the steps you take to get to more involvement? You can't expect to always meet someone together and then they are suddenly committed to both of you - people and relationships don't usually work that way. I don't mean it has to be a project, like "now we are going to date, let's find someone" but if one or the other of you meets someone and wants to see what potential there is, why not allow some room for either of take that person out casually, get to know them, and so on. Sounds like you are both more interested in building friendships first, so I am sure this has been the way friendships have developed with you, hasn't it? Haven't either of you made a friend through a class or some activity and just gone out for a drink or to a museum, whatever, with that friend by yourself, without being uncomfortable about it? Just because now you have added the possibility of intimacy doesn't mean you can't meet them the same way you would a friend of one or the other of you. Its funny how calling it dating makes us think differently about meeting someone for coffee! If you're relaxed about how you meet people, there will be less tension surrounding the possibility of expanding that friendship into more with the two of you.

Ultimately, I think what's more important is meeting people and seeing if there's enough chemistry there for further involvement, rather than worrying about what the "polyamorous configuration" should be and then looking for someone to fit into that like a puzzle piece. Life often shows up with unexpected opportunities. The fact is that you are both open to having multiple relationships, and it sounds like you communicate well with each other. Keep talking, soul-searching, and try not to hang on to pre-conceived ideas about how it should go, and you'll be alright, I think.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-29-2011 at 10:55 PM.
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  #18  
Old 11-30-2011, 04:38 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think you mean you want polyfidelity, not monogamy.
Yes, that would be what I meant

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A Vee can evolve into a triad, though we usually hear more about things happening the other way around. But you know, poly relationships sometimes take a long time to evolve and be fully comfortable for everyone. Sometimes it takes years.
Wait... I thought a Vee was four people... ? How can four people evolve to three? I'll have to see what a Vee is again, maybe I have it wrong. Years huh? I hope during those years it's not a complete shit fight for some peace and quiet. As in I would hate to think it will be years or jealously and insecurities.

Quote:
Either way, vee or triad, wouldn't dating be one of the steps you take to get to more involvement?
We would rather just meet people as friends first rather than date and then see if any of those friendships could evolve into something more.

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You can't expect to always meet someone together and then they are suddenly committed to both of you - people and relationships don't usually work that way.
No, we don't expect that. But after we built a friendship with whoever it was and if they seemed interested in more, then we would be honest with them in what we were looking for. Of course we would not expect them to feel the same for both of us, but we would hope the possibility would be there.

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Sounds like you are both more interested in building friendships first, so I am sure this has been the way friendships have developed with you, hasn't it? Haven't either of you made a friend through a class or some activity and just gone out for a drink or to a museum, whatever, with that friend by yourself, without being uncomfortable about it? Just because now you have added the possibility of intimacy doesn't mean you can't meet them the same way you would a friend of one or the other of you. Its funny how calling it dating makes us think differently about meeting someone for coffee! If you're relaxed about how you meet people, there will be less tension surrounding the possibility of expanding that friendship into more with the two of you.
Yes, we are interested in friendships first. Both of us feel the best relationships are built on starting from friendship. As to how to form friends, of course we have made friends separately but oddly enough, the best friends we have made since we have been together are those we have met together. But I am fine if Rain meets a friend and if she starts to feel more for the friend and thinks there may be the possibility of something there, then I would like to meet that friend, if I haven't already, and see if there is possibility for what we are looking for. If there wasn't and I had no interest in her and she none in me, then I guess that's where we might end up looking at a Vee situation. But for whatever reason we do form our best friendships when together.

Quote:
Ultimately, I think what's more important is meeting people and seeing if there's enough chemistry there for further involvement, rather than worrying about what the "polyamorous configuration" should be and then looking for someone to fit into that like a puzzle piece. Life often shows up with unexpected opportunities. The fact is that you are both open to having multiple relationships, and it sounds like you communicate well with each other. Keep talking, soul-searching, and try not to hang on to pre-conceived ideas about how it should go, and you'll be alright, I think.
Thanks and I agree. We are not even looking to actively meet people to form a triad or Vee, etc we are just going to go about living our lives as we always have and if something happens, then it does. Once it does we'll decide how best to proceed. Currently we just want to talk over all the possibilities and decide what we are currently comfortable with and what we aren't.
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  #19  
Old 11-30-2011, 04:56 AM
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Wait... I thought a Vee was four people... ?
No, four people in relationship is commonly known as a Quad.

A Vee is where three people are in relationship, but two of them are not involved with each other. The person involved with both of them is often called the hinge (sometimes the pivot or anchor). For example, you might see a reference made to a "MFM Vee," which means there are two men involved with a woman, but the two men might be straight and not involved with each other (the center initial stands for the hinge person - I assume in your case it would be FFF). Vees can live together, and sometimes they evolve into Triads. But it's more common, much much more common, for a Triad to morph into a Vee. Triads don't have much of a success record, at least not for staying a Triad.

Here's a link to the Glossary at the top of our "New to Poly" forum:
Glossary and Definitions
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-30-2011 at 05:02 AM.
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  #20  
Old 11-30-2011, 05:19 AM
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What you might be thinking of is an "N". For instance, my subject line has four people in it (not counting Bee). I talk sometimes about the vee of me, Gia, and Eric, but technically if you look at the entire set of relationships I'm part on an N... it's a V with an extra line coming off of one of the "wings", see? That extra line would represent my relationship with Davis. If you were to start at one end and trace the shape of the letter, the four points would represent in order Davis, me, Gia, and Eric. If Eric started dating someone it'd be an "M", I suppose, and after that it would just become a squiggle.

But really, the easier way to think about it is at the level of vees. Me, Gia, and Eric are one vee, and Davis, me, and Gia are another. In the former I'm on a wing, in the latter I'm the hinge. I have an easier time thinking of the former as a vee because we're all really close and could probably have a triad if Eric were up for it and I find the term vee captures that dynamic well. It's important to be able to explain it in a way people get, because from the outside we can look very much like a triad and that misconception can be frustrating because Eric and I are not, in fact, romantically involved. The latter I usually don't think of as a vee, even though it technically is, because Davis and Gia don't know each other well and seldom interact at this point, so thinking of the three of us as part of one relationship structure seems a little odd.

I have no idea if that all made sense or not.
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