Back and Forth

[poobah123]

see this thread. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...476#post113476

Go slowly is all I can advise. I went through the ups and downs like it sounds like you are having. Today I got tired of the downs and decided to take a break and ended things. I say break because I would like to think I can find a way to be ok with the arrangement in the future.

Best of luck to you. Feel free to PM me if you would like. The people on this forum are great.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by polyq4

Simply ask your husband "why do you love me" and i think you will be amazed what he says.

This is assuming that all guys (especially engineers, no offense! ) are capable of talking about this kind of thing. I know my bf loves me deeply, and I know that I'm smart, hot, funny, etc, but I tried to ask him (and he's usually quite articulate!) why he loved me once and his response was basically "Y'know, for your... you-ness." It was somewhat disappointing.

[rory]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

This is assuming that all guys (especially engineers, no offense! ) are capable of talking about this kind of thing. I know my bf loves me deeply, and I know that I'm smart, hot, funny, etc, but I tried to ask him (and he's usually quite articulate!) why he loved me once and his response was basically "Y'know, for your... you-ness." It was somewhat disappointing.

I actually find that a really sweet answer. Totally what I want to be loved for. But I get your point that if one looks for a long list or attributes from hot to intelligent, it's not really delivered.

I do think the lack of self-confidence is the source of insecurity for you, vanille. I don't think there is much that reassurance from your partner, or others (although I totally agree with Derby that you're attractive) can do to change that. You'll have to work on that yourself. Also, I doubt changes in weight or appearance are going to change your feelings about yourself, you're going to have to make yourself believe you are good and lovable as you are. You might find this Veaux's article helpful.

[AnnabelMore]

Aww, that's an excellent point, Rory, thank you. I could bonk my head and lose a few IQ points, or I could be disfigured by acid and be objectively "ugly", but my me-ness is a quality I'm much less likely to lose.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by vanille

Try sitting at dinner with a group of engineers from a well respected business and after they all explained what they do, turn their eyes on you and ask what it is you do and have to answer that you are in school for court reporting.

Oh yeah, I'd like to see those engineers bang out cohesive sentences on your stenotype machine at 225 wpm, take dictation at 250 wpm, and transcribe a conversation at nearly 100% accuracy like court reporters can - ha!

Being an engineer is no more lofty than being a porter. Nothing against your hubby, but our careers are not who we are. It's not what people do that makes them better or worse company, it's how they embrace life and treat the people around them. I've known engineers and if I feel "less than" around them, it's either because of my own insecurities, or they are not including me in a welcoming way.

Hold your head high. You are a lovely woman learning a highly valued skill. And married to a man who loves you.

[vanille]

Thank you everyone for the kind words of wisdom and support. I really do appreciate it.

I wanted to share a quick update. There's something that I neglected to say earlier that Armani says I should probably divulge. I am on a bipolar medication. When I take it, I'm great. When I don't ... well. Let's just say this post started after a few days of me forgetting to take my medication.

I still am terrible at accepting compliments, whether on the medication or not. But I'm so much better on it.

Last night, I went out with his friends and met the crush. Oh em gee. It wasn't hard at all! I don't know what I was scared of. She's a very lovely girl. But just that, another girl... not the scary person I made up in my head. I bonded with her instantly and had a good time.

It was really sweet. At the end of the night, Armani said he was actually turned on by how confident I carried myself in the night and how well I bonded with her.

It was a great experience, and I think it brought Armani and I closer together. If nothing else, it has reduced my daily anxiety tremendously.

[vanille]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Oh yeah, I'd like to see those engineers bang out cohesive sentences on your stenotype machine at 225 wpm, take dictation at 250 wpm, and transcribe a conversation at nearly 100% accuracy like court reporters can - ha!

This made my day. Thank you so much <3<3<3

[polyq4]

Originally Posted by vanille

Thank you everyone for the kind words of wisdom and support. I really do appreciate it.

I wanted to share a quick update. There's something that I neglected to say earlier that Armani says I should probably divulge. I am on a bipolar medication. When I take it, I'm great. When I don't ... well. Let's just say this post started after a few days of me forgetting to take my medication.

I still am terrible at accepting compliments, whether on the medication or not. But I'm so much better on it.

Last night, I went out with his friends and met the crush. Oh em gee. It wasn't hard at all! I don't know what I was scared of. She's a very lovely girl. But just that, another girl... not the scary person I made up in my head. I bonded with her instantly and had a good time.

It was really sweet. At the end of the night, Armani said he was actually turned on by how confident I carried myself in the night and how well I bonded with her.

It was a great experience, and I think it brought Armani and I closer together. If nothing else, it has reduced my daily anxiety tremendously.

This is absolutely great. Congrats Vanille. I hope i helped a bit. I would love to get to know you better. I like what i see so far.