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  #101  
Old 11-19-2011, 11:51 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Rory and Mya, I have to say that I think you two are a pair of cool, thoughtful, eloquent, and together chicks.
Thank you, that's really nice to hear.

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Originally Posted by rory View Post
Alec went out with some people he's getting to know here, and apparently one of them asked why I and Mya didn't join them, so he told him what the deal was. I was glad to hear that. The guy may or may not become a close friend, but I'm glad that he's becoming comfortable enough to talk about the situation to some people.
I was so happy and proud of Alec when he told us this! I'm really glad that he's started to tell people about the situation.

...which brings us to me telling people. I've told about rory to everyone who matters in my life, except my dad and his wife. I'm the worst liar in the world so this is getting more and more difficult for me. Dad and his wife visited me and JJ a few days before I came here. I said nothing about the trip. Today he called me. And for some reason () he asked if I was in my home country. I couldn't lie so I told him no. He asked where I was. I told him the country, which again was no lie. The good part in this is that he knows I visit my friends in this country anyway. Then he asked why I was here and that's when I lied and told him I'm meeting my friends. He sounded a bit baffled by that because I just was here few weeks ago (and he knew that) and I guess it's not very normal to visit your friends in a different country every month, is it? He is getting suspicious, I can tell. I have to tell him soon. I hate lying and I even get physical symptoms from it, like stomach ache etc. I was an easy kid and a teenager, since I could never lie to my mom or anybody else close to me. She could tell right away if I did so I stopped trying quite early.
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  #102  
Old 11-22-2011, 12:31 AM
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I just realised that this is the first time in my life that I'm spending significant amounts of time in a place where I haven't got much else than my partner. In my relationship with JJ it has always been the other way around. I've gone to places and he's either gone with me or stayed where he is but visited me often. I've visited him too, but it's a bit different because he's always lived in a place where I also have friends and family so I haven't been there only because of him.

So, it's been an experience. This time I've meditated quite a lot which is really good. I've read a book. I've learned some new skills regarding my line of work which will also be really good for me in the future. I've spent a lot of time on the internet. I'm just used to spending more time with people so it is an adjustement. Having this experience made me realise how little I really need that alone time. It's next to nothing. I think I'm well suited to be the hinge of a vee because I feel like I have almost endless amounts of energy. Being the leg of a vee can work too but then I need some other activities and friends to spend time with. It's going to be interesting to see how our relationship dynamic will work when rory comes to see me and JJ in January. I'm feeling really good about it and hopefully I'll be able to enjoy every moment of it.

I think the situation will be better for me once me and JJ move to the same country as rory and Alec. Then me and rory can visit each other more often and maybe not such long periods of time at once. That way I don't have to come up with things to do when she's not with me, I can just go back home.

Having said that, I think things have gone quite well this time. It's been less intense (in a good way) and rory has gotten at least some amount of alone time and has been able to do some studying too.
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  #103  
Old 11-26-2011, 06:50 PM
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Mya's now been here for a bit over two days. Last time she visited there were quite many emotions for all of us, particularly early in the week when she had just come here. This time it's been less emotional and more stable and relaxed. That's good, mind you. I'm not completely rid of the feelings of anxiety that rise in regards to both Alec and Mya being happy all the time, but the feelings have only come up maybe once a day for a short while. I've been able to let go of the anxious feelings pretty well when they come, so it hasn't been so tiring.
The bolded part is my conclusion about the past (little-over-a) week Mya spent here. And something happened to the anxiety, too: after last weekend I had a discussion with Mya, there was a *snap*, and it was gone. Holy crap, what a relief. Before that, the intense anxiety would only come at times, but there was a small yet constant nagging feeling, which would not let me relax whenever I was with both of them.

There was something about what Mya said talking to me about her metamourship (hey, a useful poly term? ) with Alec. At first she was wondering if there are ways forward so that they could become closer friends. But after a while she concluded that actually, the situation is maybe the best left as it is, and if the friendship will deepen on its own that will happen, but if not that is fine, too. Mya and Alec get along very well and all of us have fun together; they care about each other's well being and wish each other well; and they are able to communicate about things if the need arises. And really, that is all you need in a metamour relationship. It seems that there was conflict for Mya because often when she meets somebody she likes, she works very actively towards the goal of a deep, loving friendship, but she also felt that things were working well in our situation. If she were to seek a deeper connection, there would also be more risk of conflict. After all, you always need more compatibility the closer the relationship. At the moment, when Mya visits, she and Alec live sort of like roommates. Both of them respect each other's spaces, but like to come together and hang out when both of them feel like it.

Anyway, Mya told me the conclusion that she had come to: that she would let go of expectation in her metamourship with Alec, and rather let things either be what they are or develop on their own as they will. And I guess I've been worrying about those kind of things more than I've realised, because I felt relieved about that. I guess for a control-freak there is a lot to worry about, when you've got two people you love and who you wish to like each other.
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  #104  
Old 11-26-2011, 06:51 PM
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Relating to the anxiety, and the now-lack-of, I realised that poly has brought up the strangest things to me. Way back when Alec and I started a relationship (I was 16), we had quite a lot of fights over misunderstandings. There was a pattern: he would do something or say something (usually very small) and I would take it as a clue about him being angry or sad or whatever, and then I wouldn't let it go until he'd get really frustrated: at that point I would usually realise/believe that I had mis-interpreted him in the first place, but we'd already be in a fight. These kinds of fights became rarer and rarer over time, it was mostly a problem during the first years we were together. Lately, there has been an occasional situation that has reminded me of this: I would mis-interpret something, or look for constant reassurance that he is OK, sometimes up until a point where he gets frustrated.

When we first started poly, and after he said he is fine with me starting another relationship, I asked him repeatedly things like "are you sure you're ok" or "are you sure you don't feel bad?". But then after maybe one or two weeks I realised I can't keep doing that for two reasons. Firstly, I have to trust him when he says he's OK. I need to trust him to communicate to me if there's a problem, and if he chooses not to, there is nothing I can do about that. Trust is the only option there is for me, because I can't control his actions. Plus, it is disrespectful of me not to trust him when he's given me no reason to doubt him. Secondly, by constantly asking him "is poly OK to you?" I was sending a message that if he suddenly changed his mind, I would be open to going back to mono without hesitation. And that really wasn't the case.

After realising that, I have stopped asking. But unconsciously, I've still been on the lookout for any signs of trouble. High alert for any signs of discomfort from Alec. And I have tried to fix it, and rationalise him out of it, whenever he's shared any negative feelings about poly (which, by the way, there were absolutely none during this visit ).

I see now, that all that revolves around guilt. No other emotion is as difficult for me to get a handle on as guilt. And because of all that lovely societal conditioning, I have been feeling guilty about having two partners. As much as I know that Alec and I agreed to a poly relationship together, my feelings have been telling me "he wouldn't be in this situation / feel this way if it wasn't for me". Enter guilt, enter constant anxiety.

But as I wrote before, the anxiety disappeared. Maybe my head has finally convinced my heart about the fact that I am not responsible for Alec's feelings. And if I let guilt control my behaviour, I put both of us in an unfair situation. Myself, for I will feel constant anxiety for things I have no control over. Him, for letting him only feel the good sides of polyamory, and effectively denying him the right to sometimes feeling bad (and simultaneously making it impossible for him to get proper support from me).

I've been writing about me and Alec, but some of what I wrote applies to my relationship with Mya, as well. I haven't had as much guilt, and I think that's because she's also married, i.e. she's entering poly just as "voluntarily" as I am (as are obviously our husbands, too, because they have happily consented, but it's still felt different since we have more vested interests).
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  #105  
Old 11-27-2011, 11:04 AM
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Elsewhere on the forum I came out with the fact that in my relationship with Alec there is an agreement that by some people's definition is one-penis-policy, and by other's not. I'll write something about how we got to where we are. Here's how our opening up has happened.

-- After 4 years of happy monogamous relationship life

me: "You know, I've been thinking. I feel really secure in our relationship. I trust you completely, and I know you always have my best interest at heart. I also know you love me very very much, and that you are committed to, and satisfied in a relationship with me. And I feel secure in myself: I know I'm a lovable person, and I can see why you want to be with me. There's this expectation in relationships that you're not supposed to have sex with anybody but your partner. I understand why many people want this, and I don't see any problem with it. However, I don't feel jealous at the thought of you sleeping with somebody else. So from now on, you can do that if the opportunity presents itself you feel like it."

Alec: "Well, I don't really think I would want to do that."

me: "Yeah, well, if you feel like it at some point, just so you know it's fine by me."

Alec: "Ok. You know, I haven't really thought about these things much. I don't know why it is, and it may be completely irrational, but for some reason I don't feel jealous at the thought of you having sex with another woman."

me: "You mean I could do that?"

Alec: "Yeah, if you want to it's fine by me."

me: "Wow. Well, I'm definitely interested if I get the chance."

-- 3 years of happy non-monogamous relationship life, during which I enjoy lots of kisses, some hot sexual action, and some really hot sex. Alec feels compersion about the fact that I'm enjoying myself, is satisfied in our relationship, and doesn't feel like having any sexual action with anybody else, although he kisses a female friend of his.

me: "You know this woman I travelled to see and had sex with last week? Well, I think I have feelings for her."

Alec: "That's nice, you seem really happy."

me: "I'd like to start a relationship with her and see where things go, but only if that's ok with you (and her husband)."

Alec: "I'm fine with that, I don't see why it would bother me."

me: "You realise that if we start a relationship, there is a possibility that I fall in love with her, and want to share my life with her, and spend a lot of time with her?"

Alec: "As long as you'll still want to be together with me, as well, I'm good with that."

-- (soon) 8 months of happy poly life, details of which can be read in this journal.

Now then on to the what-may-or-may-not-be-an-One-Penis-Policy. Anybody see why that feels completely irrelevant to me? First, I was completely satisfied in a monogamous relationship when I was in one. I never needed any freedoms for myself. Second, I am so very happy and satisfied with what I have. I feel blessed. I really appreciate Alec for being willing to walk through opening up to poly with me even as he has no interest in being in another relationship himself. He really puts my happiness on the same level as his own, without compromising too much on his own well-being, and that is one reason I love him.

Now, there is also the aspect that my sexuality has been going through changes, that is, I'm steadily moving towards 6 on Kinsey scale. Right now, if I weren't in a loving sexual relationship with a man, I would class myself as a lesbian. But even though that's pretty relevant, it's still irrelevant, since openness was never a need for me.
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Last edited by rory; 11-27-2011 at 11:39 AM.
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  #106  
Old 11-27-2011, 01:44 PM
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Quote:
Baby steps.
I had the same mantra when I first got into an actual poly situation Generally onto "more confident strides" now, but every know and then I'm humbled by a stumble. But yeah, as you know: communication for the win

Love the format of your blog and happy lovin!
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  #107  
Old 11-27-2011, 06:05 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
I had the same mantra when I first got into an actual poly situation Generally onto "more confident strides" now, but every know and then I'm humbled by a stumble. But yeah, as you know: communication for the win

Love the format of your blog and happy lovin!
Thanks for the comment fuchka!

Communication really is the key, isn't it.
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  #108  
Old 11-27-2011, 06:52 PM
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I think we really need to make up names for the three cities we (especially me) keep talking about. They play such a big part in my life and in our LDR that it sometimes gets a bit difficult to talk about them without names.

During my last trip back home I started counting how much I've actually traveled this year and yeah, it was quite a lot. More than I thought. You can blame the whole global warming on me! I've flown 11 times this year. Many times the journey has included traveling from A to B via C (and sometimes via D as well), so if I count every individual flight, the number is 26. On top of that I've spent about 150 hours on long distance trains and buses. Oh my.
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  #109  
Old 11-29-2011, 02:07 PM
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I've been thinking about boundaries a lot lately. I wrote somewhere on the forum that I have a boundary in my relationship with JJ that I wouldn't want him dating or sleeping with my closest friends. I think I would feel equally bad if rory did the same, but there has been no need for that boundary in our relationship because she hasn't spent much time with my friends (well obviously since we live in different countries). I talked about this boundary of mine with rory the other day and she asked some good questions about why I have it.

I have this one friend who I've known since childhood and we have a perfect friendship. I mean perfect as in I can't think of a single way to make it better, it is just the kind of friendship I want. So, if one of my partners started dating her, our friendship would never be the same again. I guess that's the fundamental reason why I would feel bad about it. Because I can't imagine the friendship with her getting better, it would have to become worse if it changed. I couldn't talk about my partners with her the same way I can now and she couldn't either. We would lose that part of the friendship and many more, I imagine.

But then there are a few friends that I could well imagine in a relationship with my partner in a way that wouldn't hurt the friendship. In some cases I could even imagine it improving the friendship: me and the friend could spend more time together and maybe become closer than before.

There are a couple of friends that I would like to keep to myself in a very selfish way. The childhood friend I mentioned, she's one of them. I wouldn't even like the idea of her becoming too good friends with my partners, let alone lovers. I hate myself for saying that because it sounds so awful. I know I don't own her and if things happen, they happen. And like I wrote in the other thread, this boundary is very much negotiable. So if my partner asked for it, I would reconsider and probably would let them do what they want in the end. Who am I to stop them? But it would take time to get used to the idea and let that friendship go as we knew it.

Although I will always want a part of my life to be just mine. A hobby, a friend, something. It's part of the ideal independant life that I want for myself. For being polyamorous I seem to be quite bad at sharing.
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  #110  
Old 11-29-2011, 05:57 PM
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Because I can't imagine the friendship with her getting better, it would have to become worse if it changed.
I'm not saying this is a boundary you ought to drop, I just wanted to give a shout out to the idea that there's usually a third option. If something can't become better that doesn't mean it has to become worse by changing -- it can instead become different but equally good.
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