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  #21  
Old 11-28-2011, 08:50 PM
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As to the "back and forth" of emotions, well, polyamory is an adventure in a way. Try to see it as a rollercoaster ride, strap yourselves in, and get ready for some ups, downs, twists, and turns. You both know each other so well, and have a sense of each other's rhythms, but when you have additional people involved, there will be energies that are new and less predictable. I think the ups and downs of emotions will pretty much be something you can count on for a while.

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Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
Baby steps seem about right.

Diving in and having sex with other people - as a "fling" or as a transaction - seems likely to prove disastrous . . . especially if you understand polyamory to be not primarily focused on sex.
^ I disagree.

I am often the loudest in arguing that poly's main focus is not sex, but I don't see anything wrong with either of you experiencing sex with others first as a way to get comfortable with opening up your relationship. That can be the baby step you need to take. It's all relative, and I don't see how a fling will "likely" be a disaster, necessarily, if everyone has their eyes open. Not that you should use people to experiment with, but if a fling or FWB situation avails itself for one or both of you, and there is interest and a connection, why not? Maybe start out as open and ease into poly.

Everyone is different regarding how they connect with others. Sex can be the first step to developing relationships and deeper intimacy. I have always been someone who usually has sex on the first or second date, and many meaningful relationships have come out of that (I fucked my ex on our first date and we were married five months later). If a difference in libido is a main reason why you are embracing poly, then why not? A fling/FWB often develops into something more, and you can confront your feelings about emotional connections getting into the mix as you move forward. I would recommend that you hook up with people you really like, respect, and trust. A key word in FWB is "friend," and that word means a lot to me, but it's okay if the connection is more casual than a "love relationship" is and has no intention of going deeper than a friendship with a physical aspect.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-28-2011 at 10:55 PM.
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  #22  
Old 11-28-2011, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I am often the loudest in arguing that poly's main focus is not sex, but I don't see anything wrong with either of you experiencing sex with others first as a way to get comfortable with opening up your relationship. That can be the baby step you need to take. It's all relative. Not that you should use people to experiment with, but if a fling or FWB situation avails itself for one or both of you, and there is interest and a connection, why not?

Everyone is different regarding how they connect with others. Sex can be the first step to developing relationships and deeper intimacy. I have always been someone who usually has sex on the first or second date, and many meaningful relationships have come out of that (I fucked my ex on our first date and we were married five months later). If a difference in libido is a main reason why you are embracing poly, then why not? A fling/FWB often develops into something more, and you can confront your feelings about emotional connections getting into the mix as you move forward.
I don't incline this way myself, but I see the point, especially for two people who are looking for different things from an open relationship.
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  #23  
Old 11-28-2011, 10:20 PM
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Just wanna say I think Nyc's points are good ones. Opening up to your husband having casual sex with someone he has no intention of getting serious with may well be easier than opening up to him having a connection with someone for whom he has stronger feelings to start. That's the whole premise behind the rules that many swingers set up, that sex in and if itself isn't necessarily "threatening" emotionally the way love is.

However, you do have to be prepared for the idea that her *could* fall in love with anyone with whom he's intimate... feelings are unpredictable that way. It will be his responsibility to not let anything completely blindside you, but instead to keep you updated all along the way.

Don't feel bad that this is harder for you than you thought it would be. Chances are very, very good that if you keep doing the hard work and introspection and talking and stretching, it'll all ease in time.
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  #24  
Old 11-28-2011, 10:38 PM
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I agree with nycindie, but I`ll be a little bit more blunt.

Why not compromise and he can fuck a clean, professional prostitute ?
I see no shame in that at all.

- Then, you (Armani) don`t risk yourself professionally.
- You can unleash some pent up libido.
- You can evaluate the experiment afterwards. Was it satisfying ? Did it leave you wanting more ? Did it leave you feeling empty ? etc, etc.
- How did vanille feel ? Did she handle any anxiety well ? What were the ways she found to cope in a healthy manner ?

I think this is a excellent stepping stone, and a great option to experiment. It can also help vanille with a way of seeing how she feels when things really happen.

If you do go this route, then make sure vanille gets a chance to do something fun while you are off doing that. Maybe she can take in a show, or go somewhere interesting too.
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  #25  
Old 11-29-2011, 12:40 PM
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I'm glad he responded. It was a nice exercise - reading each other's thoughts instead of fumbling over the words.

I think I will take some of your advice and try some new things. A little risk is probably good for character. We have been together so long, that the chance of this permanently decimating our relationship is slim to none. I might be meeting her tonight in a group setting.

As for him dating or fucking.... I think a prostitute might be a good step. I also think I will be able to better handle him dating when we are back home. Because back there, I can go to a club or meet a guy for a date on the same night as his date and take my mind off of things. Being in a foreign country, the thought of sitting alone in a hotel room while my husband is off having fun with another (better) woman - is a nightmare. Even if I went out ... it wouldn't be the same as if I was in my own country. I feel a little vulnerable and ignorant out here.
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  #26  
Old 11-29-2011, 01:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanille View Post
I'm glad he responded. It was a nice exercise - reading each other's thoughts instead of fumbling over the words.

I think I will take some of your advice and try some new things. A little risk is probably good for character. We have been together so long, that the chance of this permanently decimating our relationship is slim to none. I might be meeting her tonight in a group setting.

As for him dating or fucking.... I think a prostitute might be a good step. I also think I will be able to better handle him dating when we are back home. Because back there, I can go to a club or meet a guy for a date on the same night as his date and take my mind off of things. Being in a foreign country, the thought of sitting alone in a hotel room while my husband is off having fun with another (better) woman - is a nightmare. Even if I went out ... it wouldn't be the same as if I was in my own country. I feel a little vulnerable and ignorant out here.

Ok the problem I have here is the term 'better'. How do you know she is a better woman , you have admitted that you don't know her. Remember we all think the grass is greener till we get there . Your issues seems to be in your insecurity about yourself. She may not be better at all. Just from the chats you have out on this forum you sound pretty good yourself.
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  #27  
Old 11-29-2011, 01:58 PM
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The (better) was not meant to be so literal. It's just what I would be thinking in my head, whether it's true or not.

Plus looks aside. It doesn't help that Armani is an engineer and this training session is with engineers from all over the world. The very fact that this woman is in this training session speaks to her intelligence.

You are right, I really should not be so hard on myself. But at the moment, I am in school for court reporting. My husband is an extremely smart engineer. You can see how this could cause a little anxiety on my part? Try sitting at dinner with a group of engineers from a well respected business and after they all explained what they do, turn their eyes on you and ask what it is you do and have to answer that you are in school for court reporting.
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  #28  
Old 11-29-2011, 02:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanille View Post
The (better) was not meant to be so literal. It's just what I would be thinking in my head, whether it's true or not.

Plus looks aside. It doesn't help that Armani is an engineer and this training session is with engineers from all over the world. The very fact that this woman is in this training session speaks to her intelligence.

You are right, I really should not be so hard on myself. But at the moment, I am in school for court reporting. My husband is an extremely smart engineer. You can see how this could cause a little anxiety on my part? Try sitting at dinner with a group of engineers from a well respected business and after they all explained what they do, turn their eyes on you and ask what it is you do and have to answer that you are in school for court reporting.
I know exactly how you feel. Engineers and scientists can be intimidating. I sometimes get the feeling they're looking down on me, and I have a PhD!

Maybe you should think of it this way: theirs is one kind of knowledge, one way of thinking about the world and solving problems. Granted, it's a danged impressive and versatile set of tools, but it is not the only one available.

Just from your life experience, as well as from your current training, you know things they don't, and can do things they can't. You are preparing to make your own contribution to the institutions of a free republic. What could be better or more noble than that?

I sometimes have to remind myself of this, when I become too impressed by my own credentials: everyone on earth knows at least one thing I will never know.

So, don't compare yourself unfavorably to engineers and other highly trained types. Stand on the dignity of who you are and what you can do. If they are unimpressed, that's their failing, not yours.
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  #29  
Old 11-29-2011, 03:21 PM
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Vanille,
I think it would be a good exercise for you to look at what all your good points are without appending them with "but it's not as good as..." We all have our talents. As much as your thought processes are telling you that engineering takes more smarts than court reporting it's not true. Your minds work in different ways. Your husband finds YOU interesting. Yeah he might have more in common to talk about with someone who is in the same feild of work but you know what? Talking shop all the time isn't all that fun.

As for how you look physically, I clicked on your profile to see what you looked like and honestly I was expecting something different than what I saw with how down you are on yourself. You're an attractive woman who to my eyes is in good shape. If you're going to compare yourself to others there are always going to be things that you can pick out that aren't as good in you as they are in them. Instead looking at what's good about you in it's own right takes that comparison away.

Your husband will be attracted to different people for different reasons (just as you will be). Why would we bother being in multiple relationships if all those people were exactly the same? Your husband doesn't want you to be someone else, he wants you the way you are.
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  #30  
Old 11-29-2011, 04:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanille View Post
The (better) was not meant to be so literal. It's just what I would be thinking in my head, whether it's true or not.

Plus looks aside. It doesn't help that Armani is an engineer and this training session is with engineers from all over the world. The very fact that this woman is in this training session speaks to her intelligence.

You are right, I really should not be so hard on myself. But at the moment, I am in school for court reporting. My husband is an extremely smart engineer. You can see how this could cause a little anxiety on my part? Try sitting at dinner with a group of engineers from a well respected business and after they all explained what they do, turn their eyes on you and ask what it is you do and have to answer that you are in school for court reporting.
And i knew it was in your head, thats my concern, every one brings something different to the table, the couple i date he is an engineer and she is a stay at home mom, and doing bookeeping. But she is unique and brings that forward. Simply ask your husband "why do you love me" and i think you will be amazed what he says. And yes of course he will be attracted to someone different from you. Thats one of the whole points to this. Would this other person be better, not really but different.
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