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  #11  
Old 09-14-2011, 04:15 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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I'm still in a bit of shock, our talk didn't really accomplish anything but alot of tears. I'm not able to search for less blunt wording, but basically he is pretty messed up at the moment. I severely underestimated his ability to deal with his emotions and communicate, or even understand what he wants. He's genuinely unsure of whether or not he can even be in a relationship, unsure of what kind of partner he wants, or can be himself.
It's doubtful that he will seek out any kind of therapy, just the routine anti-depressant dosage check in with his doctor.

He wants to severely cut back the time we spend together. Apparently he's been feeling uncomfortable spending any time with my husband and friends, which has been for about 3 hours a week at a regular group get-together. We work one block away from each other and start work at the same time so we've been taking the 10 minute bus ride together in the mornings, but he doesn't want to do that anymore. He has other activities 3 nights a week so I had no idea we were spending a great deal of time together, but we "see" each other every day since he lives downstairs... Most days it's the bus commute in the morning and maybe 30 minutes to say g'night.

He's never been able to say that he loves me, but he admitted that he feels less close to me lately. He wants more space, more time to himself to "work on making decisions on what he wants in his life". He's been spending his alone time lately playing video games and watching tv shows and I've been backing off until he started canceling our plans for this "space".

He admitted that he's unsure if he wants a girlfriend right now.

I'm truly at a loss to recap the whole conversation as I'm bouncing between bouts of sobbing and just feeling numb. I don't know what to do, I'm frozen with grief and anger right now.
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Old 09-15-2011, 07:07 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear this *hugs* let us know what happens?
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Old 09-15-2011, 01:41 PM
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I'm sorry to hear this as well. Especially because you said earlier you and your husband rarely if ever have sex, so bf was filling that need for you.

Is your husband supporting you through the grief of this sad possible breakup with bf? I am also wondering if you and the dh are connecting any better sexually lately.
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Old 09-16-2011, 02:39 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post

He admitted that he's unsure if he wants a girlfriend right now.

I'm truly at a loss to recap the whole conversation as I'm bouncing between bouts of sobbing and just feeling numb. I don't know what to do, I'm frozen with grief and anger right now.
Sorry about that. I can really empathize with you on this one...quite a bit of your bf's behavior sounds very similar to my now ex-gf. It's hard when we think we're doing the right thing, but it turns out that our partner's don't have their own head sorted out enough to communicate their needs properly.
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:33 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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This was a pretty emotionally draining week, but I got through it with support from my husband and friends (and of course lovely things from the folks on here!).
Giving my bf space was incredibly hard, knowing he was just downstairs and I couldn't see him. He truly didn't know how difficult it was until I told him today and we talked some more. He wants me in his life and he cares about me, I know that. It's been hard to for him to be so wrapped up in my life, and poly life. He doesn't crave the inclusiveness, the domestic routine as much as I do. I think I was getting caught up in all the things I was "offering" him without realizing what it was that he actually wanted. It didn't help that he was having trouble even figuring out what he wanted, his depression makes that hard.
It's something that I know I've been cautioned about on these forums, from some wise folks, I just didn't want to see it until it was causing all these issues. I rely on keeping the people in my life happy to make me happy, and it doesn't always work out that way. I know that I've been relying heavily on him to fill many voids in my life, things that don't have anything to do with him. I need to stop being so afraid to be alone.
If he needs some time for a little self-reflection, I can accept that.
I think I need to do some of that too.
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Old 11-29-2011, 05:48 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Things have been coasting along lately, not really any momentum gained. My bf had the opportunity to seek out a referral for therapy at his regular 'dosage' check in, but declined to ask for help. He's taken to offering flimsy excuses as to why he doesn't want any therapy at the moment so I've left that conversation alone.
All he seems to want to do is play videogames and D&D. He can barely put the controller down to have a conversation now. I'm happy to curl up and watch a movie, but as soon as the movie is done he wants me out of the room. I can't even sit on one end of the couch and read while he plays, he wants his space.
I've been trying to read up on 'detachment' and it's such a foreign concept to me. I realize that I spend so much time trying to make others happy, I don't take the time to account for what I need to be happy. My life is my relationships and that's not really a healthy thing.
Money is super tight at the moment so I've been hunting for a part time job, I think it would be both a practical thing and a way to occupy my time, perhaps explore a new interest.
I don't want to punish my bf for being so distant lately, but I'm torturing myself lately waiting for him to 'snap out of it'.
He's not willing/able to communicate what he needs so I need to stop guessing and assuming what those needs might be. Depressed or not, he is an adult capable of formulating thoughts and feelings. I am not going anywhere, my support for him remains.
I worry that taking a step back to focus on myself appears selfish and I'm also wondering how to balance that with my other relationships. If I step back, focus on me, find other things/interests to occupy my time, then they may also take time away from my husband, friends, and family.
Anyone have experience with 'detachment' in a poly dynamic? I've heard the term used for depression as well as addiction, the basic idea is the same. Loving yourself so you can keep up the love for your partner.
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Old 11-29-2011, 03:11 PM
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I don't know about detachment in a poly sense but I do know that folks who go to Al-Anon or something similar learn about and practice ways to keep one's sanity while the loved one loses theirs - literally, to mental illness sometimes, or to addictions.

Start poking about for a support group for people who care for people with depression. Or perhaps an individual therapist or trusted friend?

It is one of the hardest things on earth to watch a loved one spiral into depression, addictions, insanity, etc. There is often very, very little you can actually do to help, or even make things less bad.

One of my boundaries is that while I will consider being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness (Beloved has bipolar and it was something we dealt with when we were together) I will not stay involved with someone who is not dealing or managing their mental illness consistently. Your boundaries will vary, obviously, but detachment may not be enough. You may want to start thinking about walking away.
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Old 11-29-2011, 06:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
I worry that taking a step back to focus on myself appears selfish and I'm also wondering how to balance that with my other relationships. If I step back, focus on me, find other things/interests to occupy my time, then they may also take time away from my husband, friends, and family.
Isn't taking a step back exactly what he's asking you over and over to do? Doesn't that make it not selfish, but rather respectful to do so? Why if it that time with your bf is ok, but time spent by yourself takes away from others? Wouldn't time spent on the couch with your bf have that same effect?

The ball is truly in his court. He's made himself very clear, and by not stepping back all you'll do is appear clingy, not supportive. You can't force anyone to change, but sometimes changing yourself can be the most powerful possible thing you can do for your loved ones. If he sees you developing as a person, maybe it'll help him reflect on where he needs to go in his own life. Or maybe not, no way to know. But being a more fulfilled, active person will enhance your ability to be a productive, wonderful part of the lives of ALL the people you love.
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