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  #21  
Old 11-28-2011, 01:39 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The other rules I have about being involved with someone who has other relationships kind of hinge on how I approach being in relationship. Basically, I'm a solo person, which means I am independent, see all my romantic relationships as equally important, and do not use a "primary" and "secondary" hierarchy. I have no objection to someone I'm involved with seeing me as a "secondary," as long as I don't feel like I'm being treated like a secondary. I don't want to feel less important to him. I would consider my lovers co-primaries to me, so if I start to feel like my partner is not respecting the place I have in his life, that would be a sign of trouble, big trouble.
There is a valuable point there. Very good information. It is important to recognize the different desires for different folks.

I know for myself, I don`t want to be anyone`s primary, or co-primary, or loved the same as their spouse, etc. I don`t want 'equal' treatment or affection. ... We know a single woman close to us, that feels the same. She has never been 'used' as a unicorn. Her problems have been with people who wanted her to move in, share a home, etc. She ended two relationships because of this.
Thanks. I wonder if I was totally clear. Maybe I should point out that my boundaries aren't really about receiving "fair and equal" treatment or affection, and I don't expect or hope to be "loved the same" as an existing partner. I've realized that my boundaries and what I want from relationships are not focused as much on specific actions or activities, but more on my feelings. They are my boundaries as a solo person, so I guess I gauge the health or success of my relationships by my emotional response to what happens within them.

So, it's hard to explain the way my brain has put this together, but it's not that I would want a guy to love me equally or treat me the same as he does his wife -- I'm a separate, distinct person after all -- but when we're alone together I want to feel like I am very important to him. In the moments we have together, I am it. I want him to be present and not distracted, for the most part, and I want to feel respected and valued for the place I have in his life, whatever that may be. Outside of the moments we have together, it's his life and I wouldn't have any say about that, just as his partner wouldn't have a say about my time with him. Even if I see him as a co-primary (which I wouldn't, actually, because I don't subscribe to such a hierarchy), he can see me as a secondary but not treat me in a way that says I am not as important. I want to feel that our moments together fulfill a very important place in his life. I want to be with someone who feels that engaging in multiple relationships is a responsibility to all the people he is with, and that if he sees me as a secondary, it should not mean that I am automatically set aside or dismissed when something else comes up with another partner who has "more" significance to him.

Maybe my boundaries are specific not only to my being solo, but also the fact that I want to remain single and aspire to have a few lovers with whom I would basically be the hinge or anchor (in a "W").
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-28-2011 at 01:48 AM.
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  #22  
Old 11-28-2011, 01:47 AM
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ChloeJane ChloeJane is offline
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So.... May I politely suggest that you are not the only one in your little threesome who feels like your boundaries are being pushed. I feel for your unicorn.
Probably not as much as *I* feel for her, given that I love her, and hold her desires and happiness next to my heart every day

I've really enjoyed reading this thread!

I have had a number of polyamorous relationships over the past three decades, and not one of them have had the same boundaries - each relationship, each person involved in each relationship was different, hence, each set of boundaries have been different!

Some boundaries were silly, and I didn't even know what they were: I had two boyfriends for the first time in grade 2, and only one of them was allowed to bring me a treat at lunch (usually a wagonwheel, Nathan was big on wagonwheels) or else he'd get upset & jealous. As life and relationships progressed, boundaries became much more serious and necessary: sharing a bi male with a gay man who had a great deal of casual sex on the side involved a lot more boundaries around protection and safety, for example - this particular pair were REALLY into scheduling as well. I have had partners with extreme DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) rules that have worked really well, and other partners who wanted to know EVERYTHING in detail all of the time, which also worked really well

The couple that my husband and I saw regularly for quite a few months were very into discretion, only ever engaging in sex in the same room, being tested and monogomous so that we could be fluid bound, and no contact between her husband and I (they'd had a lot of problems around that in the past)

My husband and I have some pretty clear (and very well renegotiated) agreements. Our girlfriend and us only have sex together at the same time. All parties must be conscious and actively involved, unless we're choosing and consent to a voyeur role. We are renegotiating outside contact right now, but at present, all communication and scheduling flows through our girlfriend and me. This is likely to change, as our relationship is developing and it doesn't seem as important as it did in the beginning. We are supportive of any outside relationships/partners she wishes to be with so long as she shares that information with us i(nsofar as "we need to start using protection") We are not currently pursuing other relationships (although this is not part of our agreement, just a fact, as we only want to be involved with her.) We have no emotional boundaries, or physical boundaries when we are together - anything goes, and being in love is part and parcel of our relationship together.
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  #23  
Old 11-28-2011, 02:29 AM
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Probably not as much as *I* feel for her, given that I love her, and hold her desires and happiness next to my heart every day
Very true! And I'm truly in love with only one girl.

I forgot to add the bit on safer sex. Right now it's more about pregnancy prevention than any real worry about disease. She has an IUD and I committed to condoms for the time being to be double-sure.

The reason I'm not particularly worried about disease right now is that despite the current arrangement there haven't been a large number of partners. My girl's only been with her husband before me, and she' the only one I've had full sex with her. (Close enough to the real thing with one lady about 8 years ago. Once.)

Still... the rubbers are a sound idea. Because getting her pregnant would be a major crisis for all of us. There just AREN'T the resources amongst us to support another child.... and... it would likely not have a happy ending. And that would be a heartbreak. Regardless of whodunit.

Also, I promised. Changing that deal would require a new talk... and its too way to early for that.
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  #24  
Old 11-28-2011, 05:32 AM
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The only boundary I have that springs to mind is neither my husband or I use our bedroom for dates with others when the other spouse is in town. This is because even if you have plans to be out for the night sometimes things don't go as planned and you want nothing more than to retreat to your own room. Also if there is sexual activity in either bed in our house it is the person who was involved job to wash the sheets promptly.

Other than that I just ask to be kept in the loop. I figure I can't actually control anyone's actions except my own (even around safe sex). All I can ask is that I'm told what is going on so that I can make informed desisions for myself.
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  #25  
Old 11-28-2011, 08:04 AM
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Just a thought, it seems like boundaries are more common in primary relationships. Like, they might affect what happens in the secondary relationship(s), but their origin and purpose is usually to protect the primary relationship(s). Does that seem accurate?
Currently only have my primary relationship, but I would agree completely. The only boundaries we have discussed having in the future are boundaries that will protect our relationship.
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  #26  
Old 11-28-2011, 08:16 AM
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nycindie - I found your post very insightful. This is a huge concern of mine when/if my partner and I start to see someone together. I've already expressed that I would not want them feeling like a whore, or like they weren't important and were just getting tossed aside when it suited us. And I wondered how the person coming into our relationship would feel about it as well. I would think a lot of people coming into a relationship would feel like you do, so thanks for your insight!
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  #27  
Old 11-28-2011, 08:20 AM
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Currently only have my primary relationship, but I would agree completely. The only boundaries we have discussed having in the future are boundaries that will protect our relationship.
Well, that stands to reason since you only are in the one primary relationship. When you are in an additional relationship, you will determine/negotiate boundaries with that person. Can't really create boundaries for other relationships until the people show up in your life and ask for certain considerations.
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  #28  
Old 11-28-2011, 08:28 AM
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Well, that stands to reason since you only are in the one primary relationship. When you are in an additional relationship, you will determine/negotiate boundaries with that person. Can't really create boundaries for other relationships until the people show up in your life and ask for certain considerations.
Very true. We've never had a real poly relationship before so we just want to make sure we don't make the same mistakes we did ten months ago with our now ex-best friend. I sure as hell wish I'd taken the time and slowed the hell down but was so wrapped up in NRE and the fact none of us really knew what we were doing and didn't know anything about Poly. All I knew was I loved two women at the same time and thought 'what the hell is wrong with me?' Anyway, not going to keep babbling as that's not what this thread is about!
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  #29  
Old 11-28-2011, 04:22 PM
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Boundaries... miss pixi and I have been together for almost 3 yrs, and have always been poly together. So, we didnt have to "open up" our primary relationship, it was always open.

Also, we do not live together or have kids together or shared finances, etc. I'm post menopausal and she is also infertile since's she transgender, so no worries about pregnancy.

Safe sex, condoms to prevent disease, with others, goes without saying.

We don't limit each others' sexual expression or pace with others. We both trust and approve of each others' taste in partners, each others' differing goals for what we need in an OSO. She might want a Master, I might want a young boytoy who is entertaining and can fuck all night... whatever. Our lives, our choices.

My only rule is when she is going to see someone, if she plans to stay longer than originally planned, she text me and let me know, since she takes public transportation and I don't want to be worried she's gotten herself assaulted or worse.
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miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 11-28-2011 at 04:43 PM.
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  #30  
Old 11-28-2011, 04:42 PM
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Now, I have a new guy in my life. I havent mentioned him here before because I've had so many failures in dating this year, I didnt want to jinx it.

Let's call him J1. He's an older guy (7 yrs older than me). He's new to poly, but not to BDSM or open relationships, multiple play partners. However, he's never had to deal with jealousy much. He was in a leather family for a while 10 years ago, but they broke up eventually over jealousy (1 Domme, 4 subs). The Miss just broke it all off when the subs were vying too much for attention, with little to no discussion.

So. J1 is fine with my primary relationship with miss pixi. However, out of the blue, in the past couple weeks I have gotten an interest from 3 more guys. This has thrown him a lot. We have had to have many talks about it. J1 and I have been chatting online for over 3 months and have had 4 dates, one a week since we started to meet. We talk every day and share a lot of fondness so of course I want him to be as comfortable as possible with my possible relationships with these other guys.

Today he told me he thought he was just supposed to suck up his feelings around his concerns about my other possibilities. I told him that couldnt be further from the truth. I want to know about his every fear and every twinge of jealousy.

So, I guess that is a boundary? Or request, that he talk to me about his feelings. He is afraid of overstepping and making me feel like he is hindering me or limiting me in any way. We are seeing each other tonight after a week apart so I will make it a point to discuss it more fully.

Like Cindie here, I see most boundaries are to protect the santity of the primary relationship of a relatively new to poly, formerly mono couple. I dont have that need. Instead I am dealing with boundaries with my serial monogamist "secondary."

Now, the one other of the 3 other guys mentioned above that I have actually had 2 dates with (and full on sex with on the second date), J2, we have our own things to work out. He has some swinger experience, but is newly divorced and new to poly and I don't think we are on the same page yet in terms of his dating other women... I'd like to be more informed about that, and I don't think he realizes that yet. We are getting together hopefully on Wednesday, so will have to take a break in the hot hot fucking to talk that over! That might be difficult. He is a sex machine and so am I.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 11-28-2011 at 04:53 PM.
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