Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-24-2011, 06:21 AM
angeoffaith angeoffaith is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Sherbrooke
Posts: 4
Unhappy I am at lost to what to do

Hi,
I am writing here with the hope that someone can give me advice.

I should tell you that I have dyslexia so there may be quite a bit of errors and since I am completely bilingual but I live in a French province so I donít write in English often.

I donít know where to start. I think I should tell a little about me. I am 21 years old female, I have been a student all my life except this cause I have been diagnose with bipolar and I already have an anxiety problems. I was engage up till august where I left my fiancť for my current boyfriend. Thatís when it gets complicated. I left my fiancť cause he was very oppressive, possessive and jealous but S. (my current boyfriend) is the completely the opposite. I canít say that my relationship with S. was good in the beginning even if it had been 3 years we had been friends. He studying at the university and lives with is mother and she is very controlling she only lets him come and see me from Friday night till Sunday afternoon he was to be back for supper. So with me being not controlled in my sickness I wanted to see him more so we fought all most every week all week. It made us very fragile and we broke up not long ago not because we did not love each anymore but because the strain was too much on us.

Thatís where V. comes in, we went out for about a week before I cheated with S. ( I am very not proud of what I did) so I had no choice but to tell V. and he asked me to choose after kite a bit of crying I chose S. and the when I told S. my choice he said we could be friend with benefits but he would not take me back. God that night was so painful I had lost both the pain was so ... just thinking about it hurts. Then after talking, me and S. got back together. And I can say it is much better with me being more stable and him waking up to his mother ways so we see a little more and with me going back to work helps a lot. But me and V. are still friends actually very close friends actually I see him more than S. But the problem is that I still have feelings for V. and we spend so much time together they just continue growing. I not proud to say but we have kissed a few time since I have been back with S. I want both they both make me vibrate differently but at the same time in the same ways making fall in love with them both.

I just donít what to do. They are both open minded people but will they be open to this kind of life? I know I donít have a problem with the poly way but my problem is to them without losing them. I really donít know how to tell S. cause I have talked a little to V. but how to tell really what I want without S. thinking it s because he canít satisfy me. I have a feeling if I donít do something soon I will end up in bed with V. I keep seeing what it could be if we where all togheter and I like the image alot.

I would appreciate advice and if you have a question or if something is not clear I would gladly answer or clear up the info that is not clear

Ange of faith
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-24-2011, 07:16 AM
flier flier is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Northern Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1
Default

If you are honest with both V and S, you may find out that they, too, are open to this lifestyle. If 1 or both want to break it off, you have to be ready for that. Make the decision that makes YOU happy.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-24-2011, 08:32 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Bienvenu!

One thing that I know is that cheating almost never ends well. I agree with above that it's better to tell them and let things work out the way they will, rather than lying to both of them.

I can't tell... is V your ex-fiance, or a third man that you met after you broke-up with your fiance but before you started going out with S?

If V is the ex-fiance, I would cut him out of the picture. My mom has anxiety and BP and the last thing I would want for her, or for you, is a partner who is oppressive, possessive and jealous.

If V is someone that you met after your fiance, and started seeing before you met S, it doesn't sound like he's on board with the polyamory, since he already made you choose once, and after only one week.

But if you believe that polyamory is something you want to pursue in your life, you will need to tell S at some point, so sooner is probably better than later. If you try to push down those feelings all your life, it will cause you pain.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-24-2011, 06:18 PM
angeoffaith angeoffaith is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Sherbrooke
Posts: 4
Default

Hi,
V. is not my ex-fiancť, I met him after I started going out with S. Actually V. is a friend of S. since high school . I know I should be honest but at the same time I am not outright lying cause I just choose not to same anything but if he asked I would tell him honestly. I know it does not make it right to just not say anything but every time I do try I freeze and start to panic ( the joy of having a lot of deferent anxiety problem). I really donít what would be their reaction if I asked for this kind of life. It is so hard! And it is such a delicate subject. I donít know how to bring it up without me doing a panic attack and them listening to me.

Ange of faith
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-24-2011, 11:52 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,252
Default

Angel,

Let me make sure I understand. You and S broke up largely because of his overly involved, controlling mother.

After the break up, you dated V for a week. At the end of that week, you had sexual contact of some sort with S. You told V about this; he made you chose and you chose S. Then S just wanted a friends with benefits situation but later changed his mind and now S and you are back together as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Did you and V explicitly agree to be monogamous with each other? Or is that just understood to be what people do in your area? If you didn't agree to be monogamous, I don't see how sexual contact with S is cheating. I would call that 'dating' actually. If you haven't made committments to anyone, then playing the field is totally ok, and not cheating. Of course if you and V agreed to see no one else (after a week!), then, yes, you did cheat and that is unfortunate.

Have you made explicit agreement or committment to be monogamous with S? Or is this all unsaid or 'understood' as what 'everyone' does in relationships? Because nothing will fuck up relationships like unsaid expectations.

If I understand your situation right (and I'm not sure of that) it seems like you should talk with S first that you may want to explore ethical non-monogamy and/or polyamory. I would talk with S first because he is your boyfriend at the moment and so should hear this first from you. If S is willing to explore, then I would approach V about it and see what he thinks.

Of course, understand that you decide if you want to be ethically non-monogamous or polyamorous, not S or V or anyone else. Of course, they may decide not to go this journey with you. That is a risk. But it is your decision.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-25-2011, 01:55 AM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

Bienvenue, Ange!

You write that if you don't talk with either of them soon, you may end up in bed with V.
Since you are now "officially" the GF of S, by having sex with V WITHOUT talking about it, you would "officially" be cheating on S. Are you OK with that? Would you be OK with S cheating on you? (I don't mean sleeping with somebody else, I mean lying about it [or hiding it, which is another way of lying].)
Remember that you also wrote "[...] I cheated with S. ( I am very not proud of what I did)" Do you really want to repeat that?

In my opinion, honesty is one of the most important factors in a healthy relationship. You will end up hurting yourself and S if you cheat on him. You will be bothered by having this terrible secret that you have to keep hidden. And he might break off with you if he ever DOES find out. If V knows that you are with S, don't you think that he might reveal the secret some day? (If, for example, you and V have a fight [or V and S have a fight] and V wants some cheap revenge?)
And you wrote that V and S are friends. How would you feel if your and V's cheating on S damaged (maybe destroyed) THEIR friendship?

What are your other options?

a) Decide not to do anything about it and stay monogamous with S. And friends with both of them.
In this case you might continue to fantacise about V and even feel frustrated, but you can learn to live with that.

b) Talk with both of them honestly about your feelings. Don't say "This is what I'm going to do!" Say "This is how I feel. Can you imagine something like that?" If they can't accept it, then a cheating relationship wouldn't have worked anyway. If they can, you've all got some work to do... to keep open and honest with each other. It's not easy, but I think that it's worth putting in that extra work.

If you talk honestly and they both reject your wish for polyamory, you then have more options. You can learn to live with their decision, you can hope to help them change their minds in the future, or you might decide to look for partners who are open to polyamory.

It's tricky convincing a boyfriend that your wish for polyamory isn't a sign of his not being able to satisfy you. But if he earlier prefered the option of "friends with benefits", it suggests to me that he maybe isn't TOO possessive, and might be open to polyamory. It's worth the risk. Be delicate, but be hopeful.

And act in a way that you can be proud of yourself.
Bonne chance!
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson

Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 11-25-2011 at 02:01 AM. Reason: correction of typo
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-25-2011, 07:00 AM
angeoffaith angeoffaith is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Sherbrooke
Posts: 4
Default

Hi,
I wanted to thank everyone for the advice and the help.

Opalescent you understood correctly my situation but you made me think about what happened with V. We were dating but we did not say necessarily monogamous. So that could be why he did react badly when I told him I had slept with S. But me and S. did say we were mono but we both wanted to try a three way and the only condition is that if I sleep with someone else he is there. But it never came to fruit.

MrFarFromRight when I read your post I actually winced. Everything you said was right and true and I did not think what I could do to their friendship and if things went bad between us. I donít want to cheat and I want to be honest. I know I need to talk to S. but he is already has insecurities because we donít see each other a lot. He thinks I should be with someone who can give me more time and affection. But I donít want V. because S. is not very present but because I feel comfortable, calm and happy when I am with them. So I really donít know how to broach the subject and how to tell S. what I want. Yes it is tricky even more with my anxiety problems. Do you have any suggestion on how to have the conversation with S.

Thanks again!!!!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-25-2011, 04:29 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,252
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by angeoffaith View Post
I know I need to talk to S. but he is already has insecurities because we donít see each other a lot. He thinks I should be with someone who can give me more time and affection. But I donít want V. because S. is not very present but because I feel comfortable, calm and happy when I am with them. So I really donít know how to broach the subject and how to tell S. what I want. Yes it is tricky even more with my anxiety problems.
Whatever relationships you have in life, mono, poly, something in-between, you will have to learn to cope with insecurity - your own, and your partners.

Treat your partners like adults if you want a deep connected relationship. That means tell them things that are uncomfortable for them and for you. That means that you have to be an adult too. For me, being an adult means telling the truth, making difficult decisions about one's life, facing the consequences of those decisions, and trying hard to understand one's self. It's not easy but it is rewarding.

So tell S even though he is insecure. Be tactful but make sure as best you can that he understands what you want, how it affects him (or doesn't affect him) and why you want what you want. In fact, I would tell S what you wrote above about why you like being around V. That's a nice summary.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-27-2011, 06:54 PM
angeoffaith angeoffaith is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Sherbrooke
Posts: 4
Default

Hi,
thanks a lot everyone!!!!you were a big help!!!

I decided that for now I have something good going on with S. and I don't feel like it is the right time to tell him. I will eventually when the time is right and we are both more secure in are relationships. And for V. I don't really know what to do cause he keep sending deferent signals on moment he want to sleep with me and the next he says he only feels a deep friendship for me.

So I will not risk my relationship for someone who I love but is indisive and I can't blame him for him he should not have feelings for my cause I am in a relationships. So I think I will just let things go and see what happens and when things will be right I will talk to S.

Thanks again
Ange of faith
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-27-2011, 11:47 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Did you and V explicitly agree to be monogamous with each other? Or is that just understood to be what people do in your area? If you didn't agree to be monogamous, I don't see how sexual contact with S is cheating. I would call that 'dating' actually. If you haven't made committments to anyone, then playing the field is totally ok, and not cheating. Of course if you and V agreed to see no one else (after a week!), then, yes, you did cheat and that is unfortunate.
I don't agree with this. If "your area" is anywhere outside Bountiful, BC or certain tribal villages, then it's implicitly understood that relationships are monogamous.

There's a reason we use the term "open and honest communication." Honest means not telling lies. Open means telling people things you think they'd want to know.

While I do agree there's a two-way responsibility for people to be clear about their relationship status and boundaries, it's fair for a person to assume that their girlfriend/boyfriend is not sleeping with other people. In our culture, that's the default meaning of "boyfriend/girlfriend" and unless you've discussed otherwise, you agree to monogamy by using that word.

I definitely agree that there's a phase at the beginning of a relationship where you assume they're dating around and playing the field, but eventually you cross a line where you start referring to them as "my boyfriend" and from that point on, if you haven't had the "poly talk" then it's implicitly mono.

This is why I think it's important to disclose your poly status as early as possible. A lot of people are mono and they just don't want to go through the process of learning to cope with a poly relationship. We, as poly, owe it to them to give them the chance to run away before their hearts get tied up. They deserve to make an informed and educated choice to get romantically tied up in something that could be harder than they would prefer.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether you've talked about it or not. What matters is this: Will your actions cause pain to the people you care about, and do you have the ability to minimize that pain with open and honest communication? In the case of poly, it's a very weak excuse to say "well he never actually asked if I had other boyfriends" because if you know he's assuming you don't, and you keep that information to yourself, it's a sure bet that his feelings will be hurt when he finds out.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:39 AM.