Living with unexpected polyamory- help?
I want to discuss our situation with people who might understand what I'm going through, and have some words of comfort, advice, or wisdom- so here goes.
Names, while not important, will keep the players sorted out. So, I'm Karen, he's Matt, she's Sara. Close enough to our real names to not get confusing for me in typing it anyway.
Matt & I have been together for 15 years and married for 12. We have 2 kids who are adults & moved out and one at home who's 12 and pretty independent and busy with his own stuff, but still a kid in some ways, if you understand. This hasn't really affected him in any way, other than having another adult around to do stuff with.
He and I are both in our late 30's. Sara is 26. She, and her family, have been friends of our family for about 18 years; I know her mom & stepdad, though they're quite a bit older than Matt & I- we used to attend some of the same social functions in our hometown. She (Sara) moved back to our town after a few years away, stayed w/her mom, fought w/her mom, & had to move out "for a while". She ended up staying with us.
Prior to that, however, Matt & I had spent time with Sara and her boyfriend-at-the-time Caleb when she & he first got back to town, and all 4 of us clicked very nicely on a physical level and decided to do some screwing around, swapping partners, whatever. That's something Matt & I have been okay with for a long time, but we always said that we were 'emotionally monogamous'.
I really don't care about him sharing physically with another person, I care about, and am bothered by, him sharing emotionally, romantic "relationship" love with another person. Call it jealousy, whatever, I don't know- I don't like it. He & I have something really special together, and I always thought that was just for us.
Well- things progressed, Matt & Sara have actually a lot in common, and he started to really have feelings for her and she for him. Now, Caleb is out of the picture as he had to leave town for work anyway, so all of a sudden (even without anyone else having feelings for each other) things aren't as 'balanced' as they were before- now it's a triangle where before it was a square with each opposing person being very interested in the other.
Caleb and I connected intensely on an intellectual level; he's an inventor and lab rat, studies physics, we discuss mathematics and string theory which Matt told me he actually had found a bit threatening himself, that i connect both mentally & physically with someone like that, as Matt is absolutely not interested in physics, mathematics, etc which are my passions.
It doesn't really matter, as Caleb can't be with us anymore now anyway. In any event, while I connected with him, I did not feel any 'emotional connection' with him like love or anything, as I'm absolutely emotionally monogamous, and i know that about myself.
Moving to now, Sara is staying with us, she and Matt are getting attached to each other, and I hate it. I don't care about the sex, when it's not "i love you" sex...all three of us have had really hot times together and I love that. What I can't handle now are these things:
1) this is moving way too fast for me.
2) he says "i didn't plan for this to happen, to feel like this about her" . So of course my mind goes to okay, what is going to happen NEXT that you didn't plan for? I do not like change like this in the "core" of my life, especially change that I did not agree to, did not want, and that comes at me out of the blue.
3) Seeing him look at her the way he looks at me. it's like a *&%*(ing knife in my heart.
he tells me over and over that his love for me is no less, he loves me as much as he always has, he doesn't want to hurt me, to reassure me that I'm the most important to him (and he's told her this as well, that I'm his wife and will always come first with him), that he's still very attracted to me and nothing's changed...am I just being jealous? I don't know, I don't think I've ever known what jealousy feels like, as I'm not generally like this- but I do know that it actually physically hurts. (excuse the run-on sentences- I'm drinking.)
Maybe if I'd had time to get used to the idea- I don't know. she's staying with us through the 18th (three more days).
He has promised me that none of this means anything will change for he & I. Has said that he will not leave me, will not love me any less, will not suddenly start to prefer her over me. How do I know that? I guess I have to trust him; 15 years of him being trustworthy does count for an awful lot.
However, I'm still having a really *&^%ing hard time with this. And I'm probably drinking too much. I have other issues that are my own; I feel 'less than' just next to her, but I know that's mostly my stuff, as I'm not a bad-looking woman at all & Matt & I have great physical rapport ourselves. But hell, she's 26 and really hot. And I know their sex is great too.
So- why, now that I know they have feelings for each other, do I so intensely hate it when he goes to have sex with just her (rather than the three of us together) or even when he wants to just go for a walk in the park with her while they're out running an errand? It didn't bother me when it was "just sex"...but it bothers me a lot now.
there you go, forum. This is real-life, intense stuff for me, and I'm putting it out there hoping someone will have some words of wisdom. And if not, thanks for listening, anyway.