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  #41  
Old 09-02-2011, 11:27 AM
Freedom Freedom is offline
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It sounds like she already has one foot in the door to be honest. my guess would be she has felt like this for a long time and she has reached boiling point. She is trying to blame you for things not moving in the direction that she wants fast enough because she is frustrated.
I would say something like 'You have to do what you have to do. Your right, i dont own you. If you want to do this we will just have to wait and see if i am still around at the end of it. Its a shame you have gone about this in the way you have, I dont feel I would have treated you this way'. She wont be able to accuse you of trying to own her or tell her what to do and when you create distance from someone (i.e step back a bit) that supposedly loves you they will try and fill it.
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  #42  
Old 11-23-2011, 02:48 AM
CheesyLady CheesyLady is offline
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Post turn of events

DH - "What I meant by honeymoon phase was ...the fun happy period directly after the wedding..."

No, we never did have that. Probably the closest we got was the couple of weeks before I brought up poly.

I felt I should finish the story - we had a good talk right before our last posts and decided to be "poly" but to move at Mr. C's pace. It seems he was a bit caught off guard by the amount of joy I found in my newfound freedom - even went out and got some new clothes to match how I felt and everything! I did finally make a conscious decision - I was feeling great and great about myself, what I was doing, where I was going, and decided to stay there. Mr. C had made a request that we work on ourselves first until we were solid and I keep the feelings for my co-worker from growing during that time.

I learned something amazing. When I decided to do that, I could. I wasn't sure I'd be able to, but I did. Sadly, within a couple of weeks and after an amazing anniversary weekend, things seemed to return to where they were before all of the poly discussions. Things hadn't really changed or gotten better. Even just being friends with my co-worker still bothered Mr. C.

There was an appointment that we had with the counselor that I wasn't able to make so Mr. C said not to cancel it, he would go by himself. He came home sure that poly was not in the definition of our marriage vows, and he didn't want to do it. So then I went to the counselor by myself. She asks, "Will you stay married if poly isn't part of it?" No, not if it meant going back to where we were before. I couldn't get the courage to say that to Mr. C and it deeply bothered him that I couldn't answer that question for him. While I thought about it, he played Wii or worked in the basement and didn't really talk to with me too much about anything. I'd ask him what was on his mind and he wouldn't say anything. Then, the last week of September, it seems I'd be sleeping for precisely 15 minutes when he'd come in and want to start a long discussion. Almost everyday that week. I had a lot going on at work so one day I finally went and slept down in the basement with the dog. Then on Friday of that week, we were both off and heading about 4 hours out of town to go to my cousin's funeral. He had died unexpectedly at 32 and it was a huge surprise to the whole family. My family isn't that big.

I was printing out the directions to the funeral home when he comes in and says he wants a divorce. That was the third time he'd asked me for one. Like the other two times, it was quickly followed with, no what I mean is I want to work it out. The second time he said it I said those were very odd words to use if he wanted to keep working on things and if it came out again that would be it. He asked something along the lines, "if we're not poly, will you still put your full attention on our marriage?" Since it was a weekday we went down and filed that day. You can guess I finally had the courage to say no after getting terrible sleep all week. I went to the funeral by myself and have only spent one night at what used to be our house since that day.

On the Sunday morning of that weekend I woke up thinking that my sub-conscious had conjured up this whole poly thing to get myself out of the relationship, but as time has gone by, I still feel it's something I'd like to pursue should the right person/people come along.

Looking in from the outside I can see many signs we had a very unhealthy relationship for a long time. While I was moving out, Mr. C had said he knew we'd be happier without each other and that it wasn't working for a long time but was giving it his best because he had made a covenant with God.

I don't write here to diss him or say anything bad about him, rather I am hoping that with the unique perspective of this forum, you all would be able to offer your thoughts and questions on these recent events in the hopes that I can grow and not make any of the same mistakes again.
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  #43  
Old 11-23-2011, 03:03 AM
quietstormn quietstormn is offline
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Sounds like issues are going on both ways here.
I would hold a meeting and compromise. Set some boundaries (just remember forbidding your partner from doing something just because you are jealous isn't right). Ask for a little more reassurance from her that she still needs you too. She sounds like she is in NRE to me and that is tough for everyone to go through. Are you actively seeking a partner too? It might help if you aren't. I also agree that you and your wife should read xeromag it was very helpful in easing fears for me and my partners.
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  #44  
Old 11-23-2011, 03:16 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I am sorry that it has gotten to this point. I know firsthand that divorce is a difficult thing to go through, but it does sound like it could be a healthy choice for you both, since there was so much dissatisfaction. It doesn't mean either of you are bad people if you find out after a few years that you're really not as compatible as you thought. Hang in there, take good care of yourself, and do check in here now and then, whether you choose to live polyamorously after the divorce or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CheesyLady View Post
Mr. C had made a request that we work on ourselves first until we were solid and I keep the feelings for my co-worker from growing during that time.

I learned something amazing. When I decided to do that, I could. I wasn't sure I'd be able to, but I did. Sadly, within a couple of weeks and after an amazing anniversary weekend, things seemed to return to where they were before all of the poly discussions. Things hadn't really changed or gotten better. Even just being friends with my co-worker still bothered Mr. C.

... So then I went to the counselor by myself. She asks, "Will you stay married if poly isn't part of it?" No, not if it meant going back to where we were before. I couldn't get the courage to say that to Mr. C and it deeply bothered him that I couldn't answer that question for him. While I thought about it, he played Wii or worked in the basement and didn't really talk to with me too much about anything. I'd ask him what was on his mind and he wouldn't say anything.

... I was printing out the directions to the funeral home when he comes in and says he wants a divorce. ... we went down and filed that day. You can guess I finally had the courage to say no after getting terrible sleep all week. ... I woke up thinking that my sub-conscious had conjured up this whole poly thing to get myself out of the relationship, but as time has gone by, I still feel it's something I'd like to pursue should the right person/people come along.

Looking in from the outside I can see many signs we had a very unhealthy relationship for a long time.
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  #45  
Old 11-23-2011, 03:01 PM
hoorayjeebus hoorayjeebus is offline
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Although it sounds like C and Mrs C may be incompatible, I think the real problem is their relationship simply deteriorated. "Poly" was just a side issue I think. It's possible the relationship could have survived with more work, but who can say? She drew a line in the sand, and they didn't get beyond that.
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  #46  
Old 11-23-2011, 03:11 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default To both Cheeses

I'm sorry the marriage is ending. It may very well be the best thing for both of you but it's still a sad thing.

My marriage ended recently too, not because of poly but we had other issues we ultimately could not fix. Poly didn't cause my breakup but trying ethical non-monogamy definitely hightlighted all the problem areas in our relationship. Sounds like you may have had a similar experience.
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  #47  
Old 11-25-2011, 04:54 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Sorry to hear things derailed. I sounded like the two of you are very determined and not to good and compromise. One solo trip to a counselor and call it quits. Well, the lesson that won't be repeated is marrying and later trying to break the news to new husband. I'd look at the communication in this last relationship...are you proud of your efforts, words, and decisions.?


Good news the pack is undefeated ...all is well in cheeseland ...I of coarse bet against them this week I thought for sure they drop this one...loud dome Detroit .
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