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  #11  
Old 11-25-2011, 12:32 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Being a mono with a poly partner is a little like the image of Peter Pan flying carefree over Never Never Land hand-in-hand with Wendy. Your heart is filled with that child like joy of being with someone who is the focus of your world and you feel like that to them. Then you feel their hand slip from yours and you look back to see them soaring with someone else with that same look in their eyes.

Realizing that they are actually still holding your hand is the hardest part to accept. That is where you'll find out if the relationship is worth it.
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  #12  
Old 11-25-2011, 12:42 PM
Shyliss Shyliss is offline
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Default Thank you!!

Wow, that brought tears to my eyes, so beautifully written!!
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  #13  
Old 12-03-2011, 12:18 AM
Shyliss Shyliss is offline
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Default things are not good...

to fill you all in... i met my gf's partner at our staff social and the meeting was awkward and badly timed (my gf had a migraine and had to leave early). Then I spent some time with my gf, her daughter and her partner at her house. It was strange but comfortable.

But now... now things are not good with my gf and her partner and she has completely cut me out. She said she needs a break from everything and everyone... but I am the only one really affected (because her family live with her and get to see her). She is giving me mixed signals about wanting me around or not.

I just don't know what to do. I think that her partner has a problem with her 'courting' me but is making it about something else. I am trying to be understanding. but i feel hurt and alone. I am so scared that, after this 'break' we will not come back. I suppose I knew that my relationship was not the priority and i should/will accept whatever she decides to do. but in the meantime i am hurt and lost and worried.

Just needed to get it out of my head...
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  #14  
Old 12-03-2011, 12:29 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm sorry, Shy. Can she articulate better for you what's going on and why she needs to withdraw? Can she give you any sort of guess at a timeline? Leaving someone hanging like that isn't so cool...

Have either of them had a poly relationship before or was this their first real try? Sometimes the feelings this all brings up can really surprise people.

Try to keep from pining away, go out and do things, do your best to actually give her her space once she feel like you've gotten the best understanding she can give you of what's really going on.
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  #15  
Old 12-03-2011, 03:34 PM
Shyliss Shyliss is offline
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i have respected her space... until last night -sent a short but supportive email. . . which she responded to and I now find myself feeling almost angry. i am doing my best not to think about it, but it hurts. i am of the mind that you should rely on people you love when you are struggling, not cut them off. i also worry that i have given away all of my power, but just waiting until she decides she is ready to come back.

she told me that she was cutting off the world - everyone... but then i got a message from her partner last night - which indicated that they had been talking. how do i not take that personally?

this is not their first try at this. it is mine!!

time to get up and find something to do... thank you for your support!
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  #16  
Old 12-03-2011, 05:49 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I can empathize with how you feel Shyliss, its hard to sit on your hands while you feel like there is work that you could be doing. Keep at it, this is part of it. People process at different paces and just because its very quiet and seems like nothing is happening, it is likely that there is TONS happening for them.

Just because you don't hear about it doesn't mean it isn't being processed. I like to know what is going every step of the way also, but I have to respect that the people I love have different relationships with their other partners and that they need to do it their way. I need to respect that and stand back.

It will likely unravel with time. I think its great to keep sending short emails every once in awhile expressing how you feel in terms of being concerned, wondering if they could let you know how its going when they are ready, expressing support and encouragement and that you will wait until they are ready.

Other than that the idea of keeping busy, getting about life and distracting with other important tasks, events and people in your life is a good one I think.

If its any conselation I have been waiting for over a month to hear what my non-sexual boyfriends wife thinks about me kissing him. *sigh. ya, shit takes time I doubt it will come up again until after Christmas at this point. Always a reason to not talk to her about it.
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  #17  
Old 12-03-2011, 06:12 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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How can you not take it personally, I can tell you how.....obviously she still has strong feelings for you, hence the 'I am cutting off the world' reaction, however if I had to venture a guess, the two of them were not communicating and someone or both of them are doing knee-jerk reactions.
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  #18  
Old 12-06-2011, 12:14 AM
Shyliss Shyliss is offline
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poly... not sure i follow you???
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  #19  
Old 12-06-2011, 12:21 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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How new is this relationship between you and this woman? I just have a sense that you are in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy) and being tossed around a bit by the excitement and newness of it all, so her putting the brakes on seems much more dramatic and feels more of a slap because of that. Do whatever you can to get your feet back on level ground, breathe, and try to step out of the emotions to see things with a bit more objectivity, if you can.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #20  
Old 12-06-2011, 01:47 AM
Shyliss Shyliss is offline
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thank you for that reminder.
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