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Old 11-23-2011, 01:48 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30
Default Everyone has a story.. This is mine

Where do I begin?

I discovered at a very young age that I was attracted strongly to girls.
I never at all gravitated towards the male gender and I was told that I was some what of a "man hater" through-out my adolscent years and into early adulthood

In some ways I was attracted to men, but found the need to supress that in order to please my female partners. I was a "lesbian" but being somewhat lipstick and carrying a handbag always seemed to be mocked by the crowd I was in. So even thinking outwardly that I was bi-sexual was something that just couldn't be dealt with.

In 2006 my mother died of cancer, I went through a very hard time struggling with depression and anixety. I delt with this largely on my own but also eventually sort treatment from my doctor and with the help of a pyschologist I was able to get back onto my feet.

On 30/01/08 I was having an ordinarly crappy day at work, I was sick and spent most of my lunch break sleeping in my car. Unfortauntly working for a company that was heavily based around sales and customer service.. I was told that in order to be considered for any promotions in the future.. I would have to attend a work function later that night and a dinner with all of our sales reps.

I had never met most of these guys, they seemed nice enough but again being a "lesbian" I wasn't really interested in them. Later in the afternoon I noticed a guy walk in.. full shirt and tie, looking very nice. 5 minutes later I saw that he'd removed his tie, and had his shirt unbuttoned exposing his chest hair.
I turned back and thought to myself "what a wanker" then he turned around and I saw his bum and thought "damn nice ass"

I was surprised because although I admired the male form, I didn't look at men and think "yeah i'd tap that" because I didnt want to!!!

So I went home and perked myself up and then headed to the dinner.
I got stuck on a table with people who didn't like me very much, I was much much younger and I am known to be out there and opinionated!

My only escape was my nasty smoking habit. So standing outside this restaurant I was just about to light my smoke when infront of me pops "R" also known as the guy with the nice butt from earlier in the day.

I was generally suspcious of goodlooking people being nice, honestly I blame my age then (20) but I said sure and I expected him to light his smoke and be on his way. Well he stayed and for once in my life, meeting a strange man I had an open and easy conversation.
When it ended I thought to myself "gee he's a nice guy, thats suprising"

Over the next few weeks and then months I found myself wanting to talk to him more and more. I would answer calls in my customer service job (even though it wasn't my responsibility) just to get to talk to him and after a few months we exchanged emails and personal phone numbers.

R always had a "housemate" who from better judgement, I knew was his girlfriend or partner. Weither or not he could admit it to himself if someone lives in your house, cooks your dinner, washes your clothes and supports you.
Thats your girlfriend!!!

Our friendship progressed nicely and we began to share details of our current lives, and our past history.

R was taken, and generally quite emotionally unavailable. I knew he had feelings for me and I for him, but I had no intention of actioning anything and neither did he. All though we talked about "what ifs" there was no planning and I didn't encourage him to leave his partner, and I wasn't negative about their relationship.

18 months later R's partner left him when he had gone away for a few days for work. He was depressed and in a downward spiral after this happened. He didn't want to accept this relationship was over, and he didnt want to except.. that it was his fault. I wont go into details because that is their story and not mine.

At the same time, I was not in a great place.. I had struggled with depression again on and off. I worried that R would end his life, or drink himself into a place he couldn't come out of. He was being extremely negative and self distructive and it was something I couldn't handle. So I walked away.

For 5 months, I avoided contract with him at work completely to both of our detriments because we did good things together.

At the same time I continued a friendship with someone who was close to him so I knew he was doing better and that made me happy.

In Feb of 2010 I started to get into a better place and I decided I would be ready to talk to R again. I was worried what we once had,which was an amazing working dynamic and friendship would be gone.
To my suprise when we started talking again, it was like nothing had happened.

In the same week we started talking again, R met W and they started to build a relationship. I will not excuse what R did during this time, and the 12 months following because I still don't agree with it.

R & W relationship continued to foster. I was always aware of her exisistance in his life and knew that they had a relationship. R has never had an exclusive relationship with anyone besides his wife, and the mother of his 2 kids and that was many years before.

I assumed and rightly so that there relationship was not 100 % serious and that she was aware that I held a place in his heart.

In June of 2010 after months of back and forth and decisions and deciding..

R decided to fly down to see me. It was only a 24 hour trip but it was amazing. I will say honestly even looking back it was still one of the best days of my life.

My relationship with R continued to grow but for me it was nothing on a serious basis.. I knew about W and I knew that also there would be other women in the picture...

We did spend time togerther and although the trips were not close together, I didn't suspect that this had anything other to do with that he was busy. I loved him, and he loved me and we were enjoying each other and not looking to far into the future.

In Feb of 2011 R resigned from the company we worked at.
The next day he was down and I talked to him for almost an hour on the phone.

R's interest in me outside of work hours was then questioned by W who was there at the time. R then proceeded to confess to W not only that we'd slept together but that he was in love with me.

This didn't go down well to say the least. I don't blame W for being upset at all, R used the defensive of "we never discussed the boundaries of our relationship so it wasn't cheating" Call it what you will, I felt like a damn whore.

W left but was back within 24 hours and wanting to try and make it work.
I guess she underestimated our connection and thought we could end but all these months later I am sitting in the office next to him.

Our poly relationship then began. R and I realised that we didn't want to give up on what we had, and that we wanted to see what it could be.
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Old 11-23-2011, 03:04 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30
Default Scheduling conflicts

So I will interup my talk about where it began to talk about where we are right now with a few things.

R is going to China in a few weeks, for 2 weeks. He will then be back towards for the last working week before Christmas. He then has to have some surgery and then its basically Christmas.

A few months ago R and I had discussed Christmas Vs Newyear debate.
I didn't assume anything but R told me that we would spend this New Years Eve together. Last Christmas and NYE was spent with W and then on the first he drove 6 hours to spend his remaining holidays with me and some friends.

We planned to go to my home town on the 30th or even on the 31st and then we would be togerther up until the Friday the 6th. Which is 8 solid days together.

Christmas isn't a big deal to me since my mum died and I don't intend to fly home so I may see R & W on Christmas if that pans out (But i'm not banking on it)

So basically because R & I had 8 days or nights together I counted backwards and that meant that W was with him from the 22nd to the 29th which is 8 days. Same as me. This works out well for them, as they are planning to go down to see her family and then have a few lazy days together.

Today R came to me and said W had made a proposal.

She still gets her 8 solid days and nights with him, and I get 6.
Now it may only seem like 2 days, but its still 2 days.

She then suggests we spend the remaining 4 nights together. Which means "THEY" spend the remaining 4 nights together because when they are together. They get to sleep together because that is what SHE is comfortable with.

I am behond annoyed right now, and I off the cuff told him no.

I also found out that if we don't plan on going to my home town, then we basically have to spend NYE with W because she is going to be at the place we were going to be!


I am trying to breathe but the more I think about it the mader I get.

I will under NO cicurmstances spend NYE with W, it would cause too many issues and too much pain. I would have to pretend that he wasn't my partner because we'd all be out in an environment that just wouldn't support that.
She can't stand us kissing, and that first NYE kiss with the person you love, thats special and I haven't had some one to kiss in so long and I was looking forward to that time together.

If I am at all to consider spending those 4 days together. 2 of those days, R will be in bed with me for the night and W can sleep on the bunk bed. Why? Because I am not going to be pushed into spending less time with my partner, so you can spend more time with yours!

That doesn't make any sense and its not something you can accept.

She then suggested that we come back to
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Old 11-23-2011, 11:40 PM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

So today is a bad day.

Last night R, W and I all ended up at our place.
It just worked out better that way logistically.
I made dinner and we all ate and watched tv, W did the dishes.
R made a comment about how he wishes we could all live together.

He was grumpy and I am going to assume its some kind of guilt.
He ended up falling asleep on the couch and then doing to bed with W at 3am. Needless to say he is not very well this morning.

Today I am finding it hard to deal with what I assume was the premeditated act of him cheating on us.
W made a comment last night when just her and I were talking about him having no self control. He has self control, he just doesn't know what boundaries are.
I tell myself that I can deal with this, and that its just one slip.
But truely its not, he was always going to slip. I am angry it happened. I am angry it was SO soon. I am angry that despite all the sex I have with him it wasn't enough.

He got a new phone and I was loading all his contacts into it.
I checked the messages because really he shouldnt he hiding anything right?

Of course he was, of course I found messages he'd sent to his ex.
I feel sick, I want to confront him but how do I explain in order to know he breached my trust, that I breached his.

Maybe I am not right for this.
Maybe hes not right for me.

It doesn't seem this way.
He thought he wouldn't get caught.
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Old 11-24-2011, 04:01 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

As an uninvolved outside observer? He's a selfish, self-involved guy masquerading as a caring guy. This is, I think, why some older men seek out younger women -- because inexperience makes it harder to spot the unaddressed personality flaws hiding under the mask. Harsh, yes, but not moreso than he deserves. He wants whatever he wants and he'll say whatever he needs to in order to get it. If you value your own mental health and happiness above all else, leave. If you feel the need to give this relationship another try, have him read everything posted here and then give him a chance to show you how he's amending his ways, starting with telling W about his infidelity.

Btw, your post from 10pm yesterday seems to have been cut off mid-sentence?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 11-24-2011, 04:37 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

Annabel its easy to say that he was hiding behind a mask.
But the truth it, I knew everything before I moved here.
I knew all the character flaws, his weaknesses, lies and mistakes.

I knew it all but somehow I think being young prevented me from understanding that these are not things that are easy to overcome.
Thats not my defensive of him by the way, he doesn't deserve defence..

It's just me asking myself why I chose to move when I knew the risks, because they were large.

I am going to talk to him tonight about possibly going on a break until I can work out what I want.

The fact of the matter is, I don't trust him and I wont until he can prove that he is trustworthy I don't think I can continue to live like this.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:07 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

Originally Posted by caragh87 View Post
The fact of the matter is, I don't trust him and I wont until he can prove that he is trustworthy I don't think I can continue to live like this.
Something a lot of people don't realize... if he's not already worthy of trust, then he can never prove himself to be trustworthy. Generally, people with these tendencies don't change unless some outside catalyst forces them to, such as being left by a close partner or the sudden accidental death of a close friend. In his case, it's unlikely that he will spontaneously learn from his lifetime of mistakes and wake-up a changed person.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 11-25-2011, 04:36 AM
ChloeJane ChloeJane is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Small Town, British Columbia
Posts: 45

That sounds like an emotionally unpredictable and stressful situation. It also sounds like you share something really intense with him, especially after having such a long break and then coming back together and it still being just as wonderful.

All of that struggling and compromising on your part must be really unrewarding at this point, given then he's not matching you with the compromise and care (from my perspective). You sound like a giving, understanding person really looking to make a strong connection, and like you are starting to realize that this might not be it.

Your heart is your best guide; you know what is okay with you, and what is not okay with you. It doesn't sound like there is a lot of wiggle room for you to get what you want with this man, and you certainly deserve to get what you want in life.

I think that you've been really brave - opening your life, heart and body up to a man. The fact that he is your "first" in a lot of ways probably makes him even more special, on top of all of the history and experiences that you have had with him.

Be honest. Stand up for yourself. If he still can't give you what you want, then you have an answer that will probably hurt a LOT, but at least you'll know that this is not the man for you.

I have to say too, that I have a lot of respect for you stepping away from the situation when you knew that it wasn't healthy. That's a really good sign that you are in tune with yourself, and aren't afraid to set good boundaries.
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Old 11-26-2011, 04:06 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
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Thank you Chloejane.

I am really trying to be strong and know what I want.
But just giving it some more time before I think about giving it all up might be what I need too do.
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Old 11-26-2011, 04:36 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

So today is a better day.

We had a rough night on Thursday. R caught up with an old friend from many years ago and had a few too many drinks.

He ended up sharing quite a few things with me, about his life and his past and things are starting to make a bit more sense.
He cried a lot about the kids.

On Friday we were feeling worse for wear, R didn't get out of bed and we ended up missing work (not smart, but oh well) we spent half of Friday/Friday night just on the couch watching tv and just talking it was nice.

Haven't had a great run with W, she was texting me and I guess trying to indicate that R has been significantly more stressed out and upset in the last 4-6 weeks. Well that was how long ago I moved here.

Unfortunately it falls between a very bad time, of his first daughters birthday, and christmas time. It was also around this time 2 years ago his ex left, screwed him over and he basically hasn't seen his kids since.
I think his sadness has a lot more to do with that, than it does the day to day workings of our relationship.

Either way, I didn't overeact or get angry at her reply.. I simply stated the fact.

Predictably she said that "polgamy" was just his version of having his cake and eating it too, and that its bullshit and that he does belive in monogamy (He really really doesn't we've had this conversation several times, including last night).

I can't get through to her and I have no intention to keep trying.

I don't think she understands how selfish or controlling she is, mainly because she came from a relationship where the man was selfish and controlling.. much like she didn't reconise the signs in his behaviour. She wont reconise the signs in her own behaviour. Her deal and not mine. R doesn't realise how bossy and controlling she is either, but I am almost sure that a lot of the time he enjoys being told what to do, and where to do it and how long to do it for.
Its the one aspect of his life that is controlled and consistent, I can't blame him for wanting that. But I can point it out and make fun of him for it

Unfortunately me kicking up a stink earlier in the week about scheduling has yet to pay off. W had already planned a weekend trip to see her friend (who hates R) and they wont be back until tomorrow afternoon. Spending my 4th Saturday night in a row... alone and in a place I dont know isn't that appealing but I don't really have much of a choice.

Next Saturday R has to work with his friend for a few hours, and then we are going to do something on Saturday night. Sunday the 4th is the anniversary of my mums death. I want to do something to honor her memory but I can't visit her grave because its 10 hours away. Then W will pick R up IN THE AFTERNOON. I can't stress this enough if she turns up before 4PM, that shit is going to be on like donkey kong. I will make this VERY VERY VERY clear to R during the week and if he does not tell W and respect my wishes, I will not be here when he gets back from China in 2 weeks.

2 weeks seems like such a long time, i've gone months without speaking to him.. and 6 weeks without seeing him since all this began.
So it shouldn't be too bad I guess.

Right now I am contemplating what to do tonight, having a few drinks and eating cheese and olives seems like an option.. but not the very best one.
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Old 11-27-2011, 07:31 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 669

I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. You sounded lonely when you were talking about your Saturday night. I hope it went okay.
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