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Old 11-23-2011, 11:27 PM
ChloeJane's Avatar
ChloeJane ChloeJane is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Small Town, British Columbia
Posts: 45
Question Boundary Pushing

My husband and I have been married for two years, together for five. We met as "lovers" (with our partner's permission) in sexless marriages, and ended up decided to turn our incredible spark into a long term relationship. We are both passionate, honest people with excellent communication skills - our relationship is far from perfect, but we have our eyes wide open as to who we both are - the good, the bad, and the ugly, and we love it all in both ourselves and each other.

A year ago, I broached the subject of having a threesome with my husband and another woman. I have always been bi-curious, and wanted to revisit it after some failed tries in highschool/college. He was turned on by the idea, and allowed me to start setting up on-line profiles; both of us were shocked when our third ended up being a close friend of mine who had her eye on us as a couple. After a few months of hot sex, it petered out - she got a girlfriend, we were very involved with setting up a new business, and it came to an okay end.

Missing that, I tried to find another third to no avail (this is when I heard of the title of Unicorn, and started to understand just how lucky we'd been) We opened up our relationship to another couple, and while they were great people, we just weren't into it.

So, I placed a well worded ad on CL, and found an amazing young woman who was open and curious. After a couple of dinners out, she came to our place for the weekend - we set the scene, but I made it clear that sex was NOT on the menu - no pressure from me, no way. It was a great weekend, and we drove her safely home... she txted me that she wished it had gone farther, and so our relationship began to unfold.

Fast forward two months, where we are spending most of our weekends in a threesome, living out scenarios that have always been in my dreams, but not in reality until now - an incredible dinner out, a night at the symphony, a swanky hotel room filled with crazy fantastic sex involving all three of us, cuddly sleep, an art exhibit the next morning, brunch.... it's like a dream! The sex is unbelievable, we're all having such a good time, and then, my boundaries start getting pushed.

Clear boundaries have been set by both of us as to what we're okay with/what we're not. Mine are: 1) No communication outside of me - I make arrangements, txt with her, set up dates, but my husband is not to engage in outside communication. 2) All three people have to be conscious and involved in order for any sex play to take place. Not too controlling, but still respecting our primary relationship, and keeping my heart/soul feeling safe.

So! We come across some boundary pushing right away. We all have great sex, go to sleep, and I can feel moving next to me... constant moving... I wake up, and see that they are just about to start having penetrative sex. At first I think, okay, I'll join in, it'll be fine, but my body is saying NO WAY THIS IS NOT OKAY, so I get up and go to the bathroom. I don't want to make a scene, but I am so uncomfortable and upset. We talk it out, and it's all cool - everyone understands this is a boundary for me, and we leave it at that. Next weekend? SAME THING. I do a lot of internal work - why is this not okay with me? Am I being jealous/insecure? And I think - no - we did not open up the relationship for us to have individual hot sex, but for us to have PARTNER hot sex, and this is outside of the boundaries that we have laid out. Again, huge long talks, great communication, and I'm feeling understood and heard.

This weekend, I'm trying to fall asleep, and my husband gets an enormous erection - it has been a long week, we've had a LONG and AMAZING session earlier in the evening, and I am so not there - I just want to sleep! So, he rolls over and starts up with her... AGAIN! I get out of bed and go to the spare bedroom, thinking... I should just get over this, and allow him to have sex with her, but again my body says NO WAY THIS IS NOT OKAY. We have another long communication session.

Today? Today I receive a txt from our lover asking me if I have changed my mind about my husband communicating with her outside of me. I say no, that I haven't, and she tells me that he txted her today out of the blue.

It's not that I'm not expecting for all of us to fall in love with each other - to be caught up in that delicious dopamine high of NRE. I'm not naive, and know that my husband will definitely love her - not as he loves me, but that his heart is already connected to her through great sex, fantastic experiences and time spent together being intimate and open with each other.

So why do I feel so disrespected? Angry? Like he is being totally immature and irresponsible about my boundaries? I feel lost, and about 75% of me thinks that I just want to end things.... although I know that's a cop out in some ways, and won't help us do whatever work is in the way for this to just work.

Yes, there are fears there - fears that this will damage our relationship, my trust of my husband to put my feelings first, feeling as though I have to push my boundaries just because they don't "fit" my husband's desires. But this all feels wrong - we had these laid out BEFORE we started this journey, and have revisited them so many times that I am honestly just feeling really lost and angry right now.

I definitely need advice. I have talked about it with our third, and she validates my boundaries and feelings, and was the one who came forward to let me know that he txted her today - wanting to keep me in the loop, and keep things honest and open.

Last edited by ChloeJane; 11-23-2011 at 11:50 PM.
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Tags
boundaries, boundary pushing, control issues, miscommunication, nre, threesomes, triad, unicorn, unicorns

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