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  #21  
Old 09-16-2011, 04:06 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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That's really nice!

You know listening is one of the hardest skills to learn. It seems so easy, but trying to listen *without judgement or anger* (as my counselor says) can be tough. Not interrupting, not seeing what they say from your point of view, but theirs... tough stuff! That's so cool that you really worked on doing that.

There are two really great books I've read that are good for opening your eyes to communication issues. One is by Deborah Tannen called "you just don't understand", which is about how men and women talk, hear and communicate differently and how misunderstandings happen so easily.

The other is by Michele Weiner-Davis and it's called "Change your life and everyone in it". The title is kind of stupid, because it's not really about changing someone else. It's about changing yourself (how you act, what you say, etc.) which in turn changes how the other person acts/reacts to you. It's a really valuable read, in my opinion, because it explains and shows how our actions/speech/etc. affect the other person and cause reactions. We have a big part in the interactions we have. Duh, I know, but sometimes I think we need to hear it again, LOL!
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  #22  
Old 09-16-2011, 04:23 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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It will make it easier for everyone to be able to tell me what I am doing that bothers them if I don't over react when they tell me. One of my biggest issues was that I am not stupid I know that hubby and his OSO were not happy with me so I kept trying to change who i was with out really knowing what it was that needed changed. I felt like I was changing the rules and myself over and over again trying to make things better but only making them worse.

It is nice that hubby can see things from my point of view too and knows there are things he needs to do to. It doesn't feel all one sided on either side. That makes it easier on everyone because then we aren't defensive all of the time. I want to be able to be friends with my husband again. I really want to be able to be good friends with his OSO too.

I know we will still have our problems, everyone does, but it will be easier to work threw them now. The future doesn't look as bleak now.

Last edited by lovinhimloviner; 09-16-2011 at 04:34 PM.
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  #23  
Old 11-23-2011, 08:22 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Switching primaries has been an amazing step for us. M doesn't do titles well but I have to have them in order to know where I fit in. J and I are great together as a couple. We are so much alike in what we need out of a relationship and M and Hubby are doing great too.

It took a long time for me to be ok with being hubby's secondary but honestly it was harder to allow him to not be my #1. I still have a hard time not texting him every chance I get or calling him before I call J. I have been trying hard but he is still my husband and it is hard not to want to talk to him as much as I can. I still love him as much as I ever have. I am working on stepping back and allowing my self to enjoy j so M and hubby can enjoy their time together.

I really do love my family!
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  #24  
Old 11-23-2011, 08:30 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I'm confused here. Why can't your hubby still be your primary and J your secondary? Just because M is now your husband's primary doesn't mean that yours has to change too. Just some food for thought. Also, there is nothing saying that you have to call your primary first or secondary second. Call who it feels most appropriate to call. Labels may help you understand your place, but I think your problems adjusting would be lessoned if you didn't try to copy your husband's change.
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  #25  
Old 11-23-2011, 08:40 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I get what your saying I think. I am a very needy person and didn't realize how that affected the people around me until recently. When I was trying to hold onto the way things were before I found myself miserable. That in turned made everyone around me unhappy. I am so much more happier now that I have focused my energy on J. We really are an amazing couple. Hubby and I both still love each other there is no question about that. And when we are able to be together things are spectacularly glorious!! I really think we were only able to get to this point by me letting go of what I knew as "the right way" or the more "normal way and embracing the fact that I am soooooo not normal. lol

Hubby and I have more love for each other every day but we focus our daily life on M and J. It might sound a little out there but out there seems to work for us.
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  #26  
Old 11-25-2011, 09:21 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
Hubby and I have more love for each other every day but we focus our daily life on M and J. It might sound a little out there but out there seems to work for us.
Sounds like the changes are working well for you! I see what you have done as a really great example of how poly can be useful in providing tools for relationship change. Not that one can't make similar changes in a mono relationship, but usually there's an assumption that it can't be Real Love if you feel like spending less time together. When really there can be love and companionship, and it may just be that the people will be more compatible in a more secondary-type relationship. It's great that you've been able to make that transfer.
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  #27  
Old 02-23-2012, 07:00 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Just an update....Things are wonderful with J. I have finally been able to let go of the idea of H being my primary and allowed my self to accept J as my main relationship. It is more than I could hope for. I didn't know I could ever feel like this.

I still 100% love H but it is all different now. I don't feel the need to know what is going on in their relationship nor do I care. It is not my relationship. All I know and care about is that my relationship with J is amazing. I also know that eventually H and I will work things out because we love each other.
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  #28  
Old 02-25-2012, 08:16 PM
MsFickle MsFickle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
I know I have changed over the years. That is what happens to people. He claims he is still the same person but he isn't of course.
He may very well be the same person, but you (having changed) are looking at him through different eyes. Over the last three years, I've been going through an incredible emotional, physical, sexual change myself. I am not the same person my husband married, even fundamentally I've changed. I joke with my husband often "If someone told you, you'd marry a weed smokin' woman that was into open relationships, would you have believed them?" His answer: "F*CK NO!" That's not who he married, but for whatever reason, after some soul searching, that's what I've become. But my husband, he's the same guy I married. Although, I would encourage any change in him he felt ready to make, I can say with great confidence that he'll likely still be the same person 10, 20 and 30 years from now. But having changed myself (and continuing you change), I see him differently.

Last edited by redpepper; 02-27-2012 at 05:52 AM.
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