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Old 11-20-2011, 11:47 PM
MoonUnit MoonUnit is offline
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Default From Polyamory to (Temporary) Monogamy...

Hi guys. My name's Renae, I'm from Vernon, NJ and I'm dating a guy for a year now who just broke up with his other girlfriend of five years. Needless to say, I'm in a rough spot and I need advice about how to deal with a lot of things...

The relationship started out as a triad, with me dating both my boyfriend and his primary. She and I were incompatible and so the triad broke up, but I continued to date him. She wasn't aware for most of the relationship, though he told her in mid September.

Their relationship, to say the least, was rocky. They love one another but they were not able, despite years of trying, to reconcile their differences and make it work. A lot of trust was destroyed and in the end they were not living together.

The breakup is recent: they ended it officially last night though for the past few weeks it has been all but over anyway. I'm concerned about a lot of things...

1) Though I'm happy that the bad situation is over for him and now he and I have a chance to solidify our relationship (we both agreed to temporary monogamy after he ended things with her), I am very sad for her and of course worried about him. I'm not sure what to say to him or how to help, and I really don't know if I should let him be temporarily until he can sort things out.

2) I'm nervous about what this change means for us. She was there throughout the entirety of our relationship and now we are faced with the challenge of forming our own solid relationship without her being a part of it. I feel like we can get through it but it doesn't change the fact that I'm nervous.

Any advice? Has anyone ever experienced this?
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Old 11-21-2011, 04:18 AM
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ray ray is offline
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Hi Moon Unit

Let me just clarify a few things. So are you saying that after the triad went to a V, that she was unaware you and he were still involved? Why didn't he tell her and how did it go when he finally did? To me, that would be a red flag. I would have a hard time trusting some one who would not be upfront about something like that even if it were to some one else.

Dealing with breakups in poly can be compared to helping your friend through a break up or a spouse/partner through some other big life loss. Be there, listen, support them. I'm sure he'll need some space to process things but I'd imagine he'll also want some companionship. Communicating with him about how much he wants of each should be really helpful in figuring out a good balance. It will definitely change your dynamic as you pointed out not having her there. It will be some what different but that doesn't have to be ominous. I'm not sure that her being gone is the biggest challenge you two will be facing. I'd be more concerned with the less than above board way things seem to have been as you described it. What do you feel is the most challenging aspect?
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Old 11-21-2011, 09:28 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonUnit View Post
She and I were incompatible and so the triad broke up, but I continued to date him. She wasn't aware for most of the relationship, though he told her in mid September. ... A lot of trust was destroyed...
Yes, of course trust was destroyed by his cheating on her with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonUnit View Post
Though I'm happy that the bad situation is over for him and now he and I have a chance to solidify our relationship (we both agreed to temporary monogamy after he ended things with her), I am very sad for her and of course worried about him.
The bad situation?? You mean the one you participated in, as the secret lover of a dishonest cheater? Is that what you mean? Seems quite hypocritical to worry about her at this point; you weren't too worried when you were fucking him behind her back. Why be so concerned about her now? You have already betrayed her trust in you. Rather disingenuous after the fact, don't you think? What are you worried about?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonUnit View Post
I'm nervous about what this change means for us. She was there throughout the entirety of our relationship and now we are faced with the challenge of forming our own solid relationship without her being a part of it.
This is an opportunity for you to step up and act ethically and honestly. If I were you, my first steps would be to apologize to her for your deceit, and to examine how you contributed to the dishonesty in their relationship. Is that really the kind of person you want to be? Also, I would then be very cautious about fully investing in a relationship with him, unless and until he can probe himself to be honest and responsible, and no longer a cheater.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-21-2011 at 09:36 PM.
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Old 11-22-2011, 03:52 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Cindie, accusing OP of cheating with her bf is a bit harsh, don't you think? I know that if I were to ever stop seeing Pretty Lady, I wouldn't assume that I had to stop seeing Wendigo, unless we specifically agreed to it. It sounds to me like her triad dissolved into a V, like so many triads do and that her ex gf assumed when the triad broke up that meant she would have a monogamous relationship with the bf. I only have to wonder how long the boyfriend waited to their ex gf that they were still seeing each other after he realized she'd made the wrong assumptions.
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Old 11-22-2011, 09:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
Cindie, accusing OP of cheating with her bf is a bit harsh, don't you think? I know that if I were to ever stop seeing Pretty Lady, I wouldn't assume that I had to stop seeing Wendigo, unless we specifically agreed to it. It sounds to me like her triad dissolved into a V, like so many triads do and that her ex gf assumed when the triad broke up that meant she would have a monogamous relationship with the bf. I only have to wonder how long the boyfriend waited to their ex gf that they were still seeing each other after he realized she'd made the wrong assumptions.
Perhaps I did misunderstand, but if the other gf thought she was mono with him, and he was seeing the OP in secret, why wouldn't that be cheating? The triad broke up when the women stopped being involved with each other, the bf continued to see them both, and only told one of them. Why would he keep one a secret from the other if he didn't know the other was assuming she was in an exclusive relationship with him? It sounds like he was cheating with the OP behind the other gf's back to me. At the very least, it wasn't very ethical for his relationship with the OP to be conducted on the sly:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonUnit View Post
She and I were incompatible and so the triad broke up, but I continued to date him. She wasn't aware for most of the relationship ...

The breakup is recent: they ended it officially last night though for the past few weeks it has been all but over anyway.
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Old 11-23-2011, 03:52 AM
MoonUnit MoonUnit is offline
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Actually, she knew we were seeing one another and having sex but it took him awhile to tell her that we maintained a romantic relationship. When she found out she wasn't surprised and took it well.
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