Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-23-2011, 01:03 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 28
Default is compersion real?

or just an ideal people try to aim for? Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion? Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed? Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-23-2011, 01:08 AM
mcmctalk mcmctalk is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
Default

I'm trying to understand this as well. It seems to me, on the surface, compersion is an ideal situation to eliminate jealousy. I have hard time getting the underlying mechanic on how exactly one gets themselves to this place to see other happy while feeling like something has been taken away from you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-23-2011, 01:35 AM
CheesyLady CheesyLady is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 10
Default

I think it is real but I think it takes the exact right combination of people with their personalities and circumstances for it to happen.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-23-2011, 02:25 AM
mcmctalk mcmctalk is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CheesyLady View Post
I think it is real but I think it takes the exact right combination of people with their personalities and circumstances for it to happen.
Tally makes me feel better, if poly veterans still finds this concept difficult, I do t need as "lacking" in this quality.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-23-2011, 02:43 AM
quietstormn quietstormn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: utah
Posts: 11
Default This is difficult

Compersion is hard for me, I waver back and forth, but it seems to be based on my feelings of insecurity. When I fell in love with A, it helped me to understand loving more than one person. I tend to fall in the jealousy pit when I start comparing myself to others, and that's not a healthy thing to do...although it is human nature to do so. Someone will always be younger, "prettier" (what is pretty anyway), or better at some things, or have tgings that I don't. So it is useless to compare. Instead I focus on the things I know he loves about me, and remember that he is not poly because he lacks anything from me, but because he wants to add more to what we have.
I want him to find someone...but I do sometimes get scared.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-23-2011, 02:54 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,230
Default

Yep, it's real, I've felt it. But you're not good if you feel it and bad if you don't -- it's just a nice thing to aim for. It involves a lot of security, compassion, understanding, and good feelings for all involved, and often it only comes in time if it does in fact come. Focus on the process, not the end goal.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-23-2011, 02:59 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,784
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcmctalk View Post
It seems to me, on the surface, compersion is an ideal situation to eliminate jealousy. I have hard time getting the underlying mechanic on how exactly one gets themselves to this place to see other happy while feeling like something has been taken away from you.
I have two points to respond with to this: first, you seem to believe that feeling compersion "eliminates" jealousy, as if being in a poly relationship means you must never feel jealous, or that it is more evolved not to feel jealous. But human beings are multifaceted. Some people are naturally less inclined to be jealous, others have to get past a huge amount of conditioning and insecurities to alleviate the jealousy they feel. One could be living polyamorously and experience both moments of total compersion and moments of all-consuming jealousy, and every shade of the rainbow in between -- and it doesn't mean they are not "doing poly right" for whatever they're feeling.

Generally, jealous is a cover for other, underlying difficult feelings. It's so much easier to focus on the jealousy than it is to feel inadequate, abandoned, a fear of loss of control, or other uncomfortable emotions.

Second, you say that you can't quite understand how one can feel compersion when there's the feeling of having something taken from you. I am going to guess that you're looking at it from the perspective of someone who is in a previously mono relationship that is newly "opened up." Perhaps you feel like something has been taken from you, which could indicate a fair amount of possessiveness, but not everyone else who embarks on poly feels that way. A few examples: some people may feel like they're taking something from someone, some feel a sense of relief, others exhilaration, and others fear something but are not sure what or why they are afraid. Some folks don't feel any kind of ownership over their partners and get on board with compersion right away. So, don't assume that the sense of emptiness from having something taken away is the thing that everyone must grapple with to reach compersion. It could be very difficult, or it could be surprisingly easy if someone can tap into a sense of wanting their partner to feel free and happy, despite any sense they may have of feeling like they're "getting less."

Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion? Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed? Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?
I think when a person can look at their lover without any thoughts of "what am I getting out of this?" it is easier to be happy for their happiness and feel compersion. If we always choose to focus on ourselves, and what we are getting or not getting, compersion is probably impossible. So, I think it takes admitting to a bit of self-centered concerns and examining them closely and with some compassion, for ourselves as well as those we love, to get past whatever feelings stand in the way of feeling compersion.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 11-23-2011 at 05:38 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-23-2011, 05:24 AM
Nighthorse Nighthorse is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Santa Barbara, California, USA, Earth
Posts: 13
Default Is compersion real?

Yes. So is jealousy. I usually don't feel jealous, but it does manifest occasionally. I recognize jealousy as part of the culture in which I was raised and compersion as part of the culture to which I wish to belong.

When you wish for others what you wish for yourself, you've gotten to the place where compersion is the default setting. Some see polyamory as diminishing love, as if it were a precious commodity being divided. But it's more like, the more you give away, the more you have. Like smiles.

This is my favorite question, in all the ways it is phrased: is it really possible to feel good about someone you love loving someone else? I'd say, it's possible for most of us, if we want it to be.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-23-2011, 05:28 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 816
Default

I have felt it at times when I like/trust my metamours. As of yet I haven't experienced it if I don't like or know them, not that I've actually had any metamours I don't like so far, but I am guessing I would find it much harder to do if that was the case.

Nevertheless like nycindie said, it doesn't eliminate the possibility of feeling jealousy or envy, but it sure as hell can make it easier sometimes.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-23-2011, 01:01 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 106
Default I can say its real

I have watched my wife making love to her BF and seen how happy she is, what I want from my life is happiness. Watching her being happy makes me happy. What do I get out of it, well gee go figure if my wife is happy....... Needless to say there have been many times as well where it has been the other way and my wife is happy for me. Just the other day she said to me you need to be with your GF.

I think people need to get over themselves and every thing else will be fine, what I mean by that is that people who have problems with poly usually are looking at it with why am I not enough, or how come I can't do that for .... And you know the love I have with my wife is different than the love I have with my GF. But I do love them both. I have made it very clear to my wife that I will not leave her so that she is not feeling insecurity.

A true poly person can love more than one. And I for one am very happy with my personal life right now.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
compersion

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:12 PM.