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  #21  
Old 11-22-2011, 10:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default touch deprived

I've been trying to get more touch in my life. I have great friends who will hug me and vice versa but that is not enough. I need a fair bit of touch from loved ones to keep myself feeling good. I can handle not being touched - I would say most of my life I have not gotten enough touch - but I am really feeling it now with Beloved gone and SW and I no longer lovers.

It helps when Oil Man and as-yet-unnicknamed guy visit. Sex does help fill up my touch tank. But I don't see them very much, about every few months.

I was still touch deprived when SW and I were involved but since I saw him roughly every week or so, it helped and was a real loss when that dissolved. And I will likely restrict or end completely the cuddling between SW and I. We get together to watch science fiction shows and sometimes curl up full body against each other as we watch. He wraps his arms around me and strokes me. I've always adored when he does this - it quiets the yak-yak-yak in my head and I relax and hum in my head with happiness. It's very grounding for me. Not much else quiets my mind. (I have a mental note to try meditation, again. It's not something I take to naturally.)

This kind of cuddling feels inherently sexual to me; I cannot separate it out from sex. I know many people can and I admire that and wish I could. But I can't. I am trying to move on from our sexual relationship and cuddling like what I described pulls me back to the headspace. I'm going to miss it horribly but it feels conflicted and weird to me. Much like our relationship in general.
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  #22  
Old 11-29-2011, 08:18 PM
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Driving home from SW's place (we still hang out as friends) I saw a shorter woman walking on the sidewalk on a bridge. Her taller companion reached over and took her hand. I'm not sure if the taller person was a woman but I think so. Beloved is much taller than me. Seeing that made me cry.
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  #23  
Old 11-30-2011, 05:17 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm sorry, Opal. I think you're handling everything very well, all things considered.
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  #24  
Old 12-05-2011, 11:05 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Why?

Dingedheart asked me in another thread why Beloved thinks we broke up - was non-monogamy a factor or not. I realized I have no idea and so will ask her at some point. Below is adapted from my response to that thread.

This is going to be unorganized and rambly. Y'all been warned...


From my perspective, we broke up because of not communicating well on sexual issues, because of weakening in our connection caused by physical distance, because we were afraid for various reasons to tell each other the truth, and because we are very, very different people and that, suddenly (to my mind anyway) became a problem and not a strength.

We have always been very different people but when our connection was strong, I - and I think Beloved did too - perceived this as one of our strengths. That we could be so different and yet make things work well. We process things differently, I take a long time to figure out what I'm feeling and how to express that. She is pretty fast about figuring out what's going in her head and what to do about it - a survival technique from coping with bipolar disorder I believe. I think it bothered her that I couldn't share what was going on with me until I had processed it internally first.

We have very different tastes in friends, lovers, art, jewelry, furniture, clothing - just about everything. In fact, if we both liked a chair, we would buy it right away because that was such a rare occurence. We weren't exactly polar opposites in taste but close.

I guess without a strong connection, our differences became magnified and became a much bigger deal to Beloved. For me, I have never worried that we have different sets of friends. We had some friends in common but often, we had my friends and her friends. I liked her friends, and she mostly liked my friends, but we had little in common with each other's sets of friends. To me this wasn't a problem but it became a big one for her. She just couldn't see anything we shared anymore. Not a home, not friends, not a career, no children (neither of us wanted children). Nothing to hold us together. And the lack of common friends was a sympton of that.

For me, we were going through a phase of being less together but not apart. We had been so enmeshed for so many years that I thought both of us needed some space. I would have preferred not 3000 miles away but I felt that this was a good opportunity to revamp our individual-ness. I thought of her, and our relationship, as my foundation from which I would wander about and come back to and report on what was going on. I based everything else on that foundation - I saw it as my base - as a foundation for everything else that I did, saw, thought, contemplated. I tried to explain this to her but I don't think it made much sense to her. She kept asking me what I wanted in a partner, what partnership meant for me. For her, ultimately, it meant more things in common. Shared friends, shared lives, shared everything - not a foundation. Not a place to start from and return to. Stuff in common.

Also, I've known since our first breakup that I came in second in her life to her career. She may not realize that fully but I've been #2 for a long time. I was fine with being second as long as I was a close second. I wanted her to be happy so I supported the move to the West Coast but I also knew she would go anyway.

Once she moved to California, her career took off, as I know it would. She is very, very good at what she does and just needed a chance to shine. And she did. Her best friends live there, along with her well-loved nephew (who is a lovely boy and going to be an awesome man). Her family is closer now - she has missed them horribly, especially her sister. So, I moved lower and lower on the priority list until I fell off entirely. I was replaced by friends and family and work.


But Beloved almost certainly has a very different perspective on non-monogamy and why we broke up. I will ask her.

My dating men really bothered her. I thought she didn't like the men I was seeing but she told me in our breakup conversation that the whole thing -not just who I was seeing - really bothered her. Unfortunately she didn't tell me this months before, when we decided to try non-monogamy, when I talked to her about seeing SW (I didn't do anything before talking it over with her) and so on. I don't know why she didn't tell me. This is something that bothers me to this day. If I had the information I have now, I might have made different choices. It might not have saved our relationship - our problems really were internal and not based on outside people - but I wonder.

Eh. Too many thoughts. Will continue some other time.
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  #25  
Old 12-05-2011, 11:46 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Having a few common interests or passions does make a difference in the long run. I've watched couples who thought they were so "connected" drift apart over the years because they really had nothing that they could both be involved with together. Having some common interests also gives you a place to fall back on when trying to repair a relationship and get a lost connection back.
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  #26  
Old 01-04-2012, 02:25 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Foolish?

I've been struggling with my feelings about SW for some time now. On one hand, I'm certainly not over Beloved. And I'm not interested in dating seriously right now. But i will make an exception for SW. I told him some time ago that I thought of him as in a different category than my other FWBs - he had boyfriend potential that the others didn't. I think he was a bit startled and bemused by this. And I was shortly trying to repair my marriage. I continue to struggle with the end of my relationship with Beloved - New Years was always our special couple holiday. So that was really hard. But I find myself wanting more from him than friendship or the FWB thing we had for a while. So I told him that what I really wanted was to date to see if a serious relationship can work between us. He was REALLY startled but did not reject the idea right then. So he's thinking things though. I have no idea what he will decide. Wish me luck!
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  #27  
Old 01-04-2012, 06:27 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Good luck
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  #28  
Old 01-04-2012, 09:58 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Thanks DH!
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  #29  
Old 01-05-2012, 06:58 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I want to offer a comment about touch. I had major touch withdrawal when I graduated massage school (way back in the eighties). I went to school everyday for several hours (I can't now recall), it was a 500+ hour course, so it was a few months. We massaged each other EVERY DAY. Which was awesome. And stupid hard to stop.

I dated a beautiful boy for a bit (long dark hair, darker than me skin, gorgeous spirit and heart) who is pure hippie. When I met him, he had just returned from Brazil, where he'd been for about six months. (he used to speak Portuguese at me a lot. I never understood but I totally didn't care)

He touches everyone. Even though I'm an ex, I get a proper, and long, full-body hug, and the face kissing thing. I noticed when I first met him that he was extra touchy, and we talked about it. He said everyone was like that in Brazil and he had grown quite accustomed to it, and was noticing that it was not so prevalent here in the states. Even California.! I developed courage around that habit from him, and started doing it more myself. I try not to pull back when I am inspired to touch people I'm in conversation with. The 'safest' I've observed, is a slight resting or grasp of the forearm. It's often a zone where people won't feel invaded.

It's not cuddling, but it's a way to further connection in the world, I think. And to show the universe I'm willing to give what I'd like to have back.

I find myself looking forward to your updates.
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  #30  
Old 01-09-2012, 01:20 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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When the worst of baby feaver gets me, I cuddle the Cat as if he were a baby. Maybe you could dog-sit, or go for a massage?
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