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  #11  
Old 11-04-2009, 03:42 AM
lulu lulu is offline
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Yeah, that's been a consideration. But that's a new thing for me, plus I'm just not convinced that's the only solution. I'm also feeling averse to this other woman. I don't feel a connection with her so it's making the desire to do a threesome less than desirable.
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  #12  
Old 11-04-2009, 04:03 AM
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She is very uncomfortable that I don't want to spend time with the two of them together and says she feels left out. She thinks I need to be able to do this if I want the relationship to work. Do I? I don't really see why I need to force myself into that situation. Basically, when I find out we're all going to be at the same place at the same time, I sometimes choose to not go. Or sometimes I might choose to go and deal with my jealousy and discomfort. What do you think is the appropriate course of action in this situation?
I would say you need to deal with your jealousy. Accept that it is, then figure out why it is. It's not "because of her" it's something in you. So what is that in you? Deal with that-all the way. First of all.

For me in a relationship-I NEED my husband to be friendly and hang out with me and my bf. If that's not possible-then the V isn't possible. AND he's considering someone as a possible gf and I a likewise pursuing friendship iwth her-because if she and I can't be friends-they aren't going to be a couple. It's too complicated since time is limited and as his wife who shares 4 kids with him-I have his time.

That said-I don't show a great deal of affection towards the bf in front of my husband. But I do show a great deal of affection towards DH in front of Bf.... it doesn't bother bf. It used to-and I limited it both ways as much as possible at that time.

So I think maybe the answer is both. You should be working to deal with your issues if you want to retain the relationship. But they could also reduce pointed sexual affection in front of you as well.
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  #13  
Old 11-04-2009, 04:11 AM
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clarification/fyi-
my husband isn't bi and he's not "into" my bf in ANYWAY either.


It is QUITE possible to have a 3some with a person you aren't interested in if they aren't the center of attention. In younger years I had two men. They were NOT interested in each other AT ALL. But they knew I was interested in both of them.
They took the opportunity to tease and pleasure me. They never touched one another AT ALL, not even on accident on the hand or anything.
They "split up the body" in quarters and agreed that they would remain in only two quarters at a time (each) and never the two to meet.
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  #14  
Old 11-04-2009, 02:21 PM
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I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with the sentiment that having a threesome would be a good idea. I would NOT recommend initiating a threesome unless that's something that you're really into doing. If you're already uncomfortable being around your partner's other significant other (to be herein shorted to OSO) being in an intimate situation with both of them present is likely not going to help things, on the contrary, it's likely to bring up even more insecurities and drama, and depending on the personalities involved it may make it more difficult to communicate effectively. (Or, at least has been my experience).

That said, both you and the OSO have perfectly valid feelings about this. Some people are okay with giving their blessing to the other relationship but prefer to keep their distance because it's too uncomfortable to see their partner with someone else. Other people, like the OSO, have the need to be friendly and occasionally included in things with their partner's OSO because otherwise their imagination runs rampant on all the fun things they must be missing out on.

It's hard to come out with a blanket answer to the question of "Will this work if I'm not friends with her?" because quite frankly, it depends.... If being friends is what she needs to feel comfortable with this arrangement, and you feel that you can't be around her, chances are things aren't going to work out or are going to be very drama prone.

The key, I think, is working toward some sort of compromise.

First, I think it's worthwhile to sit down and do some thinking and try to figure out what about seeing them together really bothers you. How I do this is to write down everything that's bothering me about a situation no matter how significant or insignificant it may seem. Then, I go over my list (usually later, when i'm less emotional and thinking more logically) and figure out what I wrote which were legitimate concerns, which were just me being upset about things that really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, and which were things that I needed to discuss with my partner for reassurance. Identifying why you feel the way you feel is a great exercise for personal growth and it helps you be more self-aware so you can communicate effectively with others.

Second, don't feel that you ought to be comfortable hanging out with both of them on the living room couch right away. Start slow with baby steps. You mentioned that sometimes when you find out that they're both going to an event, you avoid it but at other times you deal with your jealousy and uncomfortable feelings and go. This is a wonderful place to start. I'd try to make it a point to go to the events you want to go to, especially if she and your partner are going to be there. It'll be uncomfortable at first, I'm sure, but often times part of relieving anxiety around a situation is repeated exposure to it. Going anyway, and then coming home and examining why you're feeling uneasy about the things you do, and then going out and then trying again next time does tend to make things easier over time.

Once you are comfortable with going to events in public space where your partner and his OSO are present, all of you can re-evaluate what your needs are in regard to the situation at hand.

So, short answer... The appropriate thing to do in this situation is to use this as an opportunity to grow as a person.
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  #15  
Old 11-04-2009, 03:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkiana View Post
I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with the sentiment that having a threesome would be a good idea. I would NOT recommend initiating a threesome unless that's something that you're really into doing. If you're already uncomfortable being around your partner's other significant other (to be herein shorted to OSO) being in an intimate situation with both of them present is likely not going to help things, on the contrary, it's likely to bring up even more insecurities and drama, and depending on the personalities involved it may make it more difficult to communicate effectively. (Or, at least has been my experience).

)
Agreed...this was based on my positive experience but me and Redpepper's husband were already very comfortable and close as frineds. There is a difference in my situation.
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  #16  
Old 11-04-2009, 09:08 PM
Manno Manno is offline
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Nothing set me at ease more about our new decisions than hanging out with my wife's boyfriend to ease everything.

It put it all into perspective and built more respect for him and my wife and I've found that I really cherish their relationship and I *want* them to be happy.

As for what Mono said, I think that is a way to radically fix a problem, but whatever works... sometimes an extreme approach fixes things, but then again, their discomfort might really not be about the physical side of things.
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  #17  
Old 11-14-2009, 11:19 PM
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bookworm bookworm is offline
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I don't think its an absolute necessity for everybody to be great friends. Both my bf are tolerable to each other when they happen to run into each other, but we don't make it a point to all be together at once. I have my time with O and then I have my time with K. O has more jealousy issues than K, and bc of that I don't discuss K much with him. K is very open, and altho he is bi he is not attracted to or sexual in any way with O. K has his own bf who is very nice and I am quite content to be with. He spends time with K and also with the both of us. All relationships are different, and its just whatever works best for all involved.
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  #18  
Old 11-16-2009, 02:53 AM
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I am in the exact situation you describe, purpledreamer. I will say that the only thing that has helped me is to talk about it to my bf. He is pretty understanding of my feelings and how conflicted I am, because I really don't think his primary partner is totally down with this. I also had to let go of the idea that I am responsible for their relationship or for any problems in it. As compassionate as I feel towards his partner, it's up to her to tell him if she is would prefer to be monogamous and if that's a dealbreaker for her.

It also helps that I have another bf who keeps me busy and doesn't allow me to get too immersed in their drama.
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  #19  
Old 11-16-2009, 03:24 AM
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As for what Mono said, I think that is a way to radically fix a problem, but whatever works
Just to clarify LOL!! There was no problem between us..it was a very bonding moment which was enabled by our existing level of comfort. A result was a deepening level of comfort.
As people always say, to each thier own, it all depends on what you want from your relationships. We seek family. We are together a lot and want our time to be completely natural and comfortable.

Threesomes would certainly not work for every one...Redpepper seemed quite ok with it though
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  #20  
Old 11-16-2009, 05:23 AM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default No worries

I wasn't trying to downplay it as a viable solution, nor was I insinuating that it was a problem that needed to be solved for you. I'm in no way an expert on this situation.
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