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Old 11-22-2011, 09:39 AM
zylya zylya is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Sussex, UK
Posts: 77

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Huh? He wasn't saying anything against people negotiating what they were comfortable with. He was simply addressing the origins of the terminology in question.

By the way, this thread is standing alone to discuss those terms. Even though Rory started this discussion, to keep referencing another thread of hers to continue pulling the context from that one over here is just continue that discussion here, and I think the focus on this one is meant to address the terminology in general, and not Rory's situation, isn't it? Else, it would've continued over there. So, in just talking about these terms now, I think what AT wrote is correct and valid. Just because people misuse these terms doesn't mean he is wrong or talking about something else (I don't even understand your response about confomity at all).
Sorry, I'm not meaning to make this all about rory's situation, rather I'm using it as an example of someone using the term OPP to imply an unhealthy/bad situation, where this is not the case.

My point isn't that we shouldn't USE words like OPP, it's that we shouldn't use words like OPP to PRE-JUDGE a situation, or to stop ourselves engaging our minds about the actual situation at hand.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I do worry that the terms come off as condescending and thus keep people from listening to what's being said, which is unfortunate. For advice-givers, therefore, I would especially recommend using the terms judiciously and carefully. I think I myself have been guilty of tossing "unicorn hunting" at a new poster on at least one occasion in a way that was accusatory rather than constructive, and I regret that.

But drop the term wholly? No, I think it does a great job of light-heartedly capturing a problematic mindset that needs to be called out.

Tl;dr version: terms don't insult people, people insult people.
Great post (snipped for length) and a much more eloquent way of putting what I was trying to say - it's not a problem with the term itself, it's that people are using it differently. When someone is using a term like "unicorn-hunter" or "OPP" they should be taking care that it's to describe a situation, with no element of judgement. As I said earlier in the topic, there's already enough judgement in the world just for being who we are, without having fellow polyamorists put each down because we're not doing it just like they are.

Terms are useful to understand a particular scenario, but they shouldn't be so pre-loaded, and they shouldn't be a way of simply dismissing someone's personal way of doing polyamory. My point isn't that OPP is a good thing or a bad thing, it's simply a type of relationship structure, which can never be good or bad in and of itself. OPP is good or bad (or healthy/unhealthy if you prefer) based on the people in the relationship and how they came to those decisions. By breaking out OPP whenever there's a one-penis/pussy situation regardless of the people in the relationship and how they made that decision, it becomes a label to JUDGE rather than a descriptive label to help others understand. Judgement, as I said, is not something that any of us need or deserve.
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dadt, definitions, don't ask don't tell, one penis policy, opp, terminology, unicorn, unicorn hunter, unicorn hunting, unicorns

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