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  #61  
Old 11-12-2011, 05:21 PM
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I am really glad that we are able to discuss everything. I have gotten so much better voicing my needs and concerns.

I am still a bit shy about deep and positive feelings. I am kind of egoistical there … I don't want to share And I still become self-conscious and bashful when they talk about their feelings for me. I don't know how to explain it, it feels 'too good' sometimes.

I know that the kid-topic is far away for now. We need to provide financial stability before we start to embark on this journey together. There is too much uncertainty concerning that point at the moment. But I have to admit that I love to think about it. I so want this to happen some day. Sweet dreams … we will see how much reality can be found in those fleeting ideas.

I would feel really troubled if someone wouldn't be able to voice concerns. I asked Sward and Lin some days ago, if they could see anything positive in me being with the respective other. Sward was quite clear: he thinks that the situation at hand is working out pretty good. That he thinks that having Lin with us is an improvement to our daily life. Lin said, that he wouldn't call Swards presence positive. He said that he just accepted that he belongs to me. And that he doesn't feel the need to think about something like “what if she would have been single ...”.

We are still adjusting to the situation and the other persons involved. But in my opinion we are doing reasonably well
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  #62  
Old 11-12-2011, 05:35 PM
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On a really short notice: They rebelled against my cost-cutting programm and demanded that they could rattle the pots and pans and conquered the kitchen. They are making hamburger and fries today ^.^' What a sight, they look great together in the kitchen!
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  #63  
Old 11-18-2011, 05:01 AM
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Default Forced vacation

Sward told me yesterday that he will be home from the 7. December onwards. It has gotten really cold and freezing outside and that means that the time comes when they can't do any work anymore because of the frozen earth and ground. He will have to take the rest of his holidays and overtime hours, which will last until the beginning of January and from then onwards he will be on the dole. Uncertain if all stabilizes till then and his boss will be able to offer a job again. Not the best news but well, we will see.

On another front this means that Sward and Lin will have much time on their hands. Together. When I am not around. I see some potential for new revelations there and am really curious if this will bring some things to our attention that we still miss in our normal routine now. Sward just said to me, when I voiced my concerns, that he doesn't think that there will arose a situation like it tends to be, when two people come together for vacation and aren't able to handle being around each other without the routine of their daily life.

They got big plans for the time when Sward is at home. Want to renovate the study and living room, decorate everything for Christmas (we have never done this before because both of us where always too busy) and get things done for the family. Again, we will see how this goes.
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  #64  
Old 11-18-2011, 01:34 PM
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I have the feeling with all that time on their hands *and* the holidays coming up, the boys are going to scheme and come up with *something* crazy to surprise you. ^_^
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  #65  
Old 11-18-2011, 04:06 PM
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I have never thought about that possible turn of events ... You are right, Sward is so creative and a sly old dog at times, it is possible that they come up with something when they get bored ... *smirks and prepares for the worst*
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  #66  
Old 11-21-2011, 09:09 AM
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Unhappy Arduous weekend

The weekend hasn't been as lovely as I wanted it to be. We discovert some stumbling stones, one of them needs to be excavated first as it seems …

So, what happened: On Friday it was my night with Lin. We stayed up quite long, he is used to fall asleep while watching TV, but we choose his telly to be used as the main one in the living room. There hasn't been money to buy a new one for his room and our old CRT-TV wasn't to his liking. When we finally went to bed, I have been falling asleep again and again on the couch, nothing I like to do, because I feel so exhausted from the constant tossing and turning. Whatever – when we came to Lin's room, I was awake enough again and we started to get intimate. Well, long story short (and I am so happy that this was really a shorter one …) the next morning Sward told me that he woke up when we changed rooms and wasn't able to fall asleep again and that he heard us.

'How fitting and strange.' was one of the later thoughts that crossed my mind, because there are some threads here that deal with this problem. What freaked me out most: it WASN'T a problem. He seemed to like it … Maybe I am strange, but this thought seems to be more problematic to me than the 'normal' “Hey dear, I got a problem with hearing you having sex with your boyfriend.” reaction I was assuming. I can't seem to wrap my head around this case. So, aside from my personal problems with this, as I don't want one of them to 'participate' in moments when I think I am alone with the other, it will be a no go when we talk about Lin. It hurt him deeply when it happened the first time (during his visit some months ago) and it will put a great strain on our living together.

It didn't happen up to now, because their sleeping habits are so different. Sward goes to bed early, wakes up around 4 or 5 am, while Lin likes to stay up nearly as long and go to sleep around this time. I don't know how this will work out long time, because this rhythm is just due to his working hours, it will change if he stays home for a longer period of time. We will have to bear in mind, where the other person is at that moment … not so great as it seems to me.

The second thing that is still bugging me, is how Sward behaved yesterday. On Saturday evening, we wanted to repeat the evening with the grapes, whine and cheese. All of us liked the taste and Sward went shopping. He had really looked forward to the weekend, because he had missed me during the week and wanted to spent some time with me. (Same on my part, it really is something different from the routine we got before and I got the same notion of 'missing you' as he did during this week.) The evening started great but suddenly I noticed that Lin wasn't just cuddling up to me, he seemed to be already asleep.

When I bend back to whisper in his ear I felt the insane speed of his heartbeat. He got palpitations and was weak as hell because of it. When his heart beats at this pace he is as weak as a little child and nearly unable to stay awake, but too much in pain to actually go to sleep. He didn't wanted to ruin the mood and knew that he couldn't do anything about it, therefore he just cuddle himself next to me and waited for it to slow down. I know that this is just how things are and that we have to deal with this, but I was really worried. I know that this isn't life threatening as long as it doesn't last for days, but … I know a lot about it, but I can't stay rational when he is in such a condition.

I put him to bed and stayed with him for an hour, until he woke me up to send me back to Sward. He didn't wanted to ruin our night. Ah well, great joke. I was a mess and cried tears of fear in Sward's arms. Sward was understanding and sweet and even able to distract me from my worries. But the fact stayed the same, that our night was all about me worrying because of Lin and he comforting me because I was hurting because of Lin. Lin was a bit better yesterday and we all relaxed quite a bit, but when the evening came, Sward went to sleep alone. He wasn't able to sleep and came back to living room some hours later, played some game on the computer, while Lin and I watched one of our favorite series.

He was grumpy and unsatisfied with the whole situation, coming and going several times. When he finally went back to bed, Lin asked me if he wasn't feeling good, and maybe, that it would be easier to fall asleep if I was lying next to him. I said that it really was an adjustment for us not to be able to just cuddle every night next to the other, drifting away slowly while holding each other and that I think he isn't satisfied with the situation at the moment. Lin said that he wouldn't have trouble sleeping alone and that I should go to Sward today, without all the exchange we normally do, when we switch the nights. I really like how they care for each other.

Well, despite the fact that I slept next to Sward that night, he wasn't really able to fall asleep and slept badly. There has to be some kind of problem he wasn't able to voice during the last days, nothing could disturb him like that otherwise. I am kind of anxiously anticipating what will come today or tomorrow, my gut tells me that there has to be something *sigh*.

Sorry, this has been long. I like it a lot more if those long posts are about something positive for sure *mumbles*
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  #67  
Old 11-21-2011, 02:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
What freaked me out most: it WASN'T a problem. He seemed to like it … Maybe I am strange, but this thought seems to be more problematic to me than the 'normal' “Hey dear, I got a problem with hearing you having sex with your boyfriend.” reaction I was assuming. I can't seem to wrap my head around this case. So, aside from my personal problems with this, as I don't want one of them to 'participate' in moments when I think I am alone with the other,
Oh Phy, I can so relate to this one! I also find it a bit disturbing if my other partner likes what he/she hears I do with the other one. In my head it somehow takes away from the intimacy I thought there was and transforms my act of loving communication into porn. At the same time, I realise it's better if the partner enjoys what he/she hears than freaks out about it. If everybody enjoys the situation in different ways, how could that be wrong? But yeah, that's just rationalisation, I still can't help feeling weird about it.
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  #68  
Old 11-25-2011, 04:06 AM
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Thanks for your thoughts Mya, that's pretty much what my reaction was back then. We didn't had time to go over these problems again, because so much happened right afterwards.

The problems with the back pain of Sward deepened. He went to see a doctor on Monday but was delayed to Wednesday for an actual check-up. This wasn't the best handling of the situation as we had to find out Wednesday morning, when he wasn't even able to stand properly anymore. Unbelievable how quick everyone can get when someone seems to be in pain visually … they didn't care that much when he just told them that he was having problems. Of course this is partly caused by his constant downplaying of the issues. “Ah, don't worry, this will be alright in no time ...”, “No, that's ok, I don't have to see a doctor, I will get a good rest and be as good as new tomorrow ...” or “Yes, of course I will go see a doctor, but we got our seasonal peak at work at the moment, I will go in some weeks.”

Well, I have to say: REALLY bad choices he made every time I told him to just fucking go to see a doctor and he declined. Now he went, and now the doctor said: You are incapable of working in your field any longer. BAM. His back is wasted. He doesn't really have a clue how to proceed from here on and first of all he needs to be in rehab for some time to get the worst problems fixed. I am so mad at him in a way. I know that this doesn't help right now and I didn't went and told him right away, because he has been down enough and didn't needed my scolding to top it off. But … ugh!

As you might see or are able to deduce from the time, I am sleeping really badly at the moment and have mastered the past few nights by tossing and turning and with a lack of sleep because of this. I am sleeping with Lin at the moment because Sward needs the space in bed. Lin isn't bothered that much by it, but I am interrupting his sleep regularly because I wake up too early or don't sleep quietly enough. Sward is bothered by the fact that I decided to leave him alone and is grumpy constantly. I know that this is him feeling alone at night on top of all the mess that had already happened, but that is just unreasonable. I don't want his back to worsen anymore.
*sigh* As always, we will see what happens next …
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  #69  
Old 11-29-2011, 07:41 AM
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Too much going on, I don't seem to be able to update everything. First of all, Sward is doing better, he got some medicine and pain killers that should do until his therapy starts. Thanks to the meds he is at least able to move without feeling pain all day long.

Something strange happened right after I made the last entry here. I didn't know about my feelings up to that point. While I wrote everything down, I surprised myself and it was the famous light-bulb-effect. I had known that there was something wrong with me and Sward, but I couldn't grasp what has been the matter. After I finished here, I went back to bed, but I was too confused and livid to come to a rest. And there the next thing added to my bad mood. Lin backed off. He told me that this was a thing between Sward and me and that he wouldn't take a stand in it. Now, I got mad at him and left for the living room.

When I was back from university later that day, we talked it out. First with Sward, I told him that I recognized that I was furious about the fact that he postponed the visits at the doctor again and again and that I remonstrate with him on this now. He told me that I was seeing this in a wrong light, that it wasn't that bad during those times and that he was unable to go because of work and so on. We didn't come to a conclusion but he promised me to take care of himself in the future. And I made clear that I wouldn't tolerate this behavior a second time. (At this point, I should mention that he told me that I was a bit hypocritical there, because I tend to postpone my visits to have my migraine checked as well. Good call, I have to admit.)

The second conversation was done a bit faster than the first. After Sward left to speak to my mother because of some visits he had to do (me being in university prevents him from being mobile, he isn't allowed to drive under the influence of those meds) and Lin came to me by himself and asked if there was something I was mad about that he did. I wasn't sure if he noted the tension in the air that morning because he was half asleep when I left him. I explained to him that I think it to be perfectly fine to not want to come in between Sward and me by choosing a side if there is some potential for a quarrel, but that he should be able to comfort me if I was feeling down. Because this would have been what he would have done without a second thought, if we would have still been just friends. And there was nothing else I expected him to do when I came back to bed crying because of all the uncertainty and anger I was feeling because of Sward's situation. He said that he hadn't been able to sense the degree of my problem there. I had guessed as much and after this short explanation everything was settled.

Another noteworthy occurrence: I have been feeling ill for some days now. I am staying home today, because I am not sure if there is something with my stomach or my head or if I just feel faint in general, but I haven't had the energy to go to my courses this morning. When Sward's back became a bit better, I stayed the night with him again and the next would have been the one I spend with Lin. But I felt so … blech! would describe it perfectly, and I noticed that I would love to spend another one with Sward. I am no easy person to be around when I am ill. I tend to be whiny and emotional and sniveling and need as much comforting as I can get. And I know that Sward does this without a second thought. And that I needed it to be him who does this in this situation. It wasn't something serious, headache, inflammation of the throat and other typical common cold symptoms.

I was lucky that Lin got a new game some days ago and was eagerly playing that evening. He didn't have objections to me staying another night with Sward (I had just spent three nights with him, this could have played a part in his equation as well). When Sward saw me standing next to the bed, saying that I want to sleep with him that night, he was surprised first and then a bright smile enlightened his face. The next morning he told me that he thought it to be a compliment that I still come to him to be comforted and that he likes to do this for me. I had been afraid that he would have felt used and Lin neglected because of this need of mine, but all went well. I am still a bit unsure if there isn't some potential for hurt in this for Lin, because I don't know how clear he is able to see why I wanted to stay with Sward. But I will surely not ask, it would sound really strange to ask, why he isn't hurt by the fact that I turn to Sward to be taken care of when I am ill and refuse to stay with him in this situation.

Well, be that as it may, this has been the first time nights have been switched because of me. Five months into poly and I voice me explicit need for one of them for the first time … don't really know if this is something good or bad.
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  #70  
Old 12-05-2011, 10:00 AM
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Default The upcoming holidays

Sward is still certified to be unfit for work and home therefore. He and Lin surprised me (you were so right Annabel ) with a nicely decorated home when I came from university after my weekend curse on Saturday. Fir sprigs everywhere with Christmas ball ornaments in golden and brown and a handmade Advent calendar, which Sward prepared for me. We haven't decorated the flat for Christmas in all the years we lived there and I liked the look and vibe it gave off.

By the way, this is one point that Sward and I noticed: poly has given us back our care for our surrounding and the little things in our relationship. There has been so much, we just took for granted over the years and now we kind of cultivate every thing we get our hands on to become something to give us comfort and a sign for the other(s) that we love the way everything is right now. We have been horrible housekeepers or cooks or interior architects, because we didn't had the energy to change something. It had been still ok with us, because we knew that there was love and that we belong to each other and so on, but it feels so much better to actively work on things. Our involvement in our relationship and the others that are around has changed some things dramatically and for the better.

Another thing we have never done before, was the invitation of Sward's parents to come over to have an Advent coffee klatsch (I just stumbled over the word, you actually use the German one here, I always have to smirk when I find one of those little expressions). As I have said before, our flat is really small, doesn't have the best layout and his parents tend to prefer to be with his sister, because of their grandchild there. His mother is overweight and it's really difficult for her to sit on our couch or chairs.

And as I have as well already mentioned, Lin is the creative one. Due to that, he worked out how to improve our flat. Colour, furnishing and room layout, he made everything new and it looked great on the PC. He got some architecture program, with which he was able to design furniture, walls, windows, doors and all that stuff. He is really skilled with those things.

Sward's parents visited us yesterday. We had been able to do some little changes according to Lin's plans already and the flat looked much better. (We will renovate the study and the living room in January, but we have to wait with the renewal of the kitchen, this will cost too much at the moment.) After my first stumbling steps into the vast world of cooking, I became quite the passionate cook and discovert that my taste is my best adviser. It seems that I am starting to really like it. This was quite new to Sward's mother. She always didn't think much of my abilities to be a 'good wife' in her quite traditional sense of the word. But after some quarrels we fought because of our personal incompatibilities we managed to reach an understanding. She accepted that I was quite different from her.

But when they came in and I was standing in the kitchen, preparing the last muffins, I saw the spark in her eyes when she said “Hey, the great chef at work.” Sward had told her about the changes that have been going on in our daily life (not about the relationship between Lin and I) and he seems to have been enthusiastic about them. He showed them around later on and I was smiling all the time, because it was some pride to be spotted in his behavior when he showed them the bedroom we had already renovated and the cellar storeroom and the overall changes in the flat.

His mother has had some guessing going on, it was obvious when the talk came to the reactions of the closer family and neighborhood (his parents live in a really small village) to Lin moving in with us, but she said resolutely: “Everyone has to know what he wants to do for himself.” She made this example clear with another couple we know, where the woman emancipated herself quite a bit, worked full shifts again (earning more money as her husband as a result) and stayed awake partying since three o'clock in the morning. She said that it's not her place to judge that, and that she declined the numerous offers to be part of the gossiping going on in the village. I hope she is able to see our situation in the same light. But I think it will be something different if it is the own son. She is one of those overprotecting mothers.

Lin has been a bit nervous because of their visit. But all went well, she even talked about some possible field of work with him. She seems to be concerned with his future despite all the possible scenarios that she is able to think of (and I know that she is skipping through them again and again, she tends to worry too much and has aplenty of time on her hands to actually do so).

My family will be visiting on Saturday this week. Lin has been invited to celebrate Christmas with us and therefore we all need to draw the person we are going to be a secret Santa for. Up to now there are my parents, my brother and sister with her boyfriend and us three for Christmas eve. Maybe the parents of my sister's boyfriend, but that's unsure. I am really looking forward to Christmas but am nervous as hell as well … I hope everything goes smoothly *crosses fingers*.
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