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  #11  
Old 11-20-2011, 10:37 AM
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It my own fault, A just pinged me hi, I was of course happy to here from her. I asked if she would like to meet for coffee and a muffin, I guess to catch up. It was her asking me if Z would mind that got me thinking what the hell am I doing.

Its best for all that I take a cold shower and keep my contact with A to a bare min. I may even have to explain things to her so she is clear with what is going on.

What do I want, well I have always thought that I would prefer two live in partners, it makes so much sense sharing childcare, chores, income and intimacy. I can totally see it working in my head. I would not want Z to do something that she didn't like, she has to be happy too or it just wouldn't work.
A V relationship I had not really considered, I am not sure how I would feel about going off to another lover, I guess I would prefer the one big happy family, sharing all. Z and A would not have to sleep in a threesome if they didn't want to but in a perfect world for me they would. A V would be too close to cheating and doesn't have the advantage of sharing childcare, finances ect, not the ideal in my mind.

Would I mind Z having another lover? Difficult for me to answer, erm, I would not mind if it was a girl, would be less keen if it were a man. I have a do as you would be done by ethic so I guess logically I would have to try and deal with any issues I might have with her seeing another man. I don't think she is like that though, not something she has ever talked about. Except to use it as an example of why A+Z+S would not work, "how would you feel if I wanted to see other men?" when I asked her if she would mind having A in the relationship too.

I have built a fortress of trust into my relationship with Z, its the solid foundations that give me a clean happy sole. I feel 100% that I get that back from her. We have shared a big part of our lives and are really close, I never want it to stop.
Unfortunately for me I have always been a mad flirt, I still am. Now I am starting to think its not because I am a womanizer, a cheat, have insecurity issues but that I am still looking for another A.

Yes, right now its been hard with Z being so sick. I have had little affection, no sex and I have felt isolated and helpless. I have talked about it but I have to give her all the time she needs, it would be unfair to force her to do somthing she is not up for, but I still have needs - sexual and emotional. The whole A+S+Z thing would make so much sense now, Z would still have my full support, A would too and would contribute to helping Z during this time. I know this ain't gonna happen, not now.

I guess I would like Z to understand and appreciate what I am dealing with in my own messed up head. At the moment I feel quite alone on this one, its one thing I can't just blurt out without thinking about why I should, the pro's and con's.

If she is adamant I not see anyone outside our marriage and the relationship has to stay Z+S then that is the way it has to be. I will just have to learn to keep better control of my desires. But at least she will understand.

I am starting to think I should tell her, not ask her to do anything but understand how I am wired. Explain that I am still here for her 100%. Because its the right thing to do, but is my honesty enough reason to bring this up right now? In the end why would she need to know, I already made a choice to commit to her, I just find it hard sometimes, like now, I feel like I have a big secret from her.

I wish I was pure mono, and that I didn't have all this sexual energy, things would be so much easier.

On the plus side, I have not gone too far down the path with A, although I am sure I still love her I havent been seeing her and I think I can avoid getting too deep again. Z is also very understanding so if I do tell her she would prob be able to deal with it, its not as if it would be a complete revelation.

If she asks I will tell her whats going on, if not I will try and bury it.

Savage.
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  #12  
Old 11-20-2011, 02:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi Savage,

I know having 2 sister wives is an ideal for you. But when my ex h and I opened our relationship, and he fell in love with another woman, he suggested to me she move in and become his 2nd wife, help me with the kids and housework, babysit so he and I could go out on a date, yada yada.

I was horrified! I barely knew this woman and in no way did I want to share living space with her, or let her start to develop a relationship with MY children, just b/c my h had a thing for her, emotionally and sexually.

I know now they were both head over heels in NRE. I made them stop having sex, but allowed them to remain friends. I think you should rethink your ideal of 2 wives. Why would you want to move another woman into your happy home after just a few months of crushing on her? I mean, sure, as a dream it's fine, but most people don't move in together just a few months after knowing each other. It's really best to wait a year or so to see how the dating thing goes, and how much you really get along once the first surge of infatuation has passed.

I do sympathize with you on your differing sexual needs from your wife. If she is completely off sex because of nausea and fatige, and of course, gets touched out by the end of the day from your rambunctious 3 year old, perhaps you can do more housework and cooking to give her time to rest. If you keep that up, maybe by her middle trimester her sex drive will perk up again for a few months, until she gets huge.

I understand how your frustrated sexual desire is now being channeled back into A.
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  #13  
Old 11-20-2011, 04:23 PM
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Personally, I think your wife deserves to know who you really are and how you really work. I think you will just end up feeling more isolated if this is a part of yourself you feel you need to hide. If you two really do trust each other 100% then she'll understand that you're not telling her in an attempt to be manipulative and that you mean it when you say you'll respect her boundaries. It may not be what she wants to hear, but we owe our partners our true selves. If you do decide not to say anything now then I would at least plan to tell her at some point, after you've settled a bit into life with the new baby.

Mags is right -- your sister wife scenario is ideal for you but it's not fair to think that it would make sense for Z in the same way. If she had a true friendship, trust, and love (romantic or platonic) for A too, that would be one thing, but it takes a long time to get there.

A vee isn't cheating if everyone is open and honest about it and it's based on a context of mutual respect and communication. It can make a lot more sense for a lot of people, since it's rare that two folks feel the same way about one other person. It can also build a base for a more triad-like relationship in the future.

And yes, hoping that she could be cool with you loving another woman when you wouldn't be able to let her love another man is not ok and would not make me feel amenable to sharing if I were her. It makes it seem like you want whatever you think is hot/fun but aren't willing to give what you hope to receive. Is Z even bi?
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  #14  
Old 11-20-2011, 06:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Savage View Post
Would I mind Z having another lover? Difficult for me to answer, erm, I would not mind if it was a girl, would be less keen if it were a man. I have a do as you would be done by ethic so I guess logically I would have to try and deal with any issues I might have with her seeing another man. I don't think she is like that though, not something she has ever talked about. Except to use it as an example of why A+Z+S would not work, "how would you feel if I wanted to see other men?" when I asked her if she would mind having A in the relationship too.
I think like this is something you should really focus on before letting your thoughts move forwards with regards to what you want with A.

In otherwords, drop the entire idea of dating A in any capacity until you are 100% comfortable with Z having another man move into your house with you. Put yourself in your wife's shoes before you even consider asking her to make a sacrifice that you yourself are not willing to make, regardless of whether it's something she wants or not.

After all, if three grown-ups running a house is easier than two, isn't four easier than three?
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  #15  
Old 11-20-2011, 07:19 PM
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While I do agree with everyone who's said that moving a lover in with you after only a few months is something akin to lunacy, I just want to point out that there are Vees that live together. Several members here are in Vees that cohabit. However, you should know that in the ones that work well, nobody rushed into anything. I think it goes without saying that it takes thoughtfulness, very small steps at a time, and lots and lots of honest communication (usually for at least a year) for any cohabiting situation to work. I think your excitement has gotten ahead of you, and sped past real, practical considerations. Also, yeah, I second SC's recommendation to explore all your feelings about your wife having a male lover, before entertaining the notions of having lovers yourself.
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  #16  
Old 11-20-2011, 07:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Savage View Post

Would I mind Z having another lover? Difficult for me to answer, erm, I would not mind if it was a girl, would be less keen if it were a man. I have a do as you would be done by ethic so I guess logically I would have to try and deal with any issues I might have with her seeing another man. I don't think she is like that though, not something she has ever talked about. Except to use it as an example of why A+Z+S would not work, "how would you feel if I wanted to see other men?" when I asked her if she would mind having A in the relationship too.


Savage.
I don't think she is like that though,

I didn't think my husband was "like that," either. Turns out, his ego and self-esteem was so wounded by my falling in love with another man, he went and found someone to stroke him and make him feel great, like he was the ONLY man in the universe. (Well, I guess I signed off on that job, didn't I?)

Poly is a risk-taking venture. It sounds like your wife is really not open to the idea. Are you willing to lose your wife, the mother of your children, for what you find with the other woman? Or is there a way to get your needs met WITHIN your marriage? Because your needs are important. But your young family's needs are important, too. It's an awful dilemma so many of us have found ourselves in! I admire you for looking for creative solutions. Keep being honest, even if it makes her upset. Sexual needs can be met in LOTS of different ways. You may be able to find a happy compromise. Your wife signed up for monogamy -- and so did you. If she doesn't open her mind to the idea, you will have some tough decisions to make. I feel for you.
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  #17  
Old 11-21-2011, 05:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Savage View Post
What do I want, well I have always thought that I would prefer two live in partners, it makes so much sense sharing child-care, chores, income and intimacy. I can totally see it working in my head. I would not want Z to do something that she didn't like, she has to be happy too or it just wouldn't work.
A V relationship I had not really considered, I am not sure how I would feel about going off to another lover, I guess I would prefer the one big happy family, sharing all. Z and A would not have to sleep in a threesome if they didn't want to but in a perfect world for me they would. A V would be too close to cheating and doesn't have the advantage of sharing childcare, finances ect, not the ideal in my mind.
Oh man. I've been cheating all this time?!

Who says you have to share finances, who says you can't share some child care but not live together? You can create out of this anything you all want provided everyone consents is considerate, compassionate and is open and honest in your communication. You have to start talking and asking questions though.

I think you need to start off smaller. Slamming your wife with this paragraph above is just a tad far sighted. I think I would be telling her that you would like to date other women, you would like her to know them and would like to see how that goes for both of you. Find out what would be harder for her most, sex or emotional connection with others or both.

I wonder how much of this is about sex. Do you just need to get laid? I'm asking because if your wife doesn't struggle with your being intimately connected to othere then there is no reason why developing a close friendship isn't an option. Its playing with fire but if you can manage it for the time being then this woman can be in your life, become someone your wife knows and begins to trust and it can unfold as it may that way. I have done that with a man I date and its going okay. If its sex she's okay with but not emotional connection then maybe you should swing or look for fuck buddies to scratch your itch. Thing is that going one root and expecting to avoid the other is only a bandaid, but it might buy her the time she needs to catch up with her feelings and it might slow you down enough to savour the moments and build a foundation.

I live with my husband and boyfriend and it took YEARS to get to this place. We don't share finances other than he pays rent though. It is doable however, just in tiny tiny steps. I had the same dream as you 15 years ago and it took this long!

My suggestion would to masturbate often, tell your wife what's going on, go at your wife's pace (she will have no "pace" if you don't tell her) and kick back and relax. Let it take you rather than pursuing it. Life happens, set it up in a direction and be pleasantly surprised when things work rather than miserable when they don't. Oh. Ya. And when your wife gives a bit, GIVE BACK in the ways she loves. Foot rubs don't go a miss when you're pregnant.
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  #18  
Old 11-21-2011, 04:16 PM
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The old expression timing is everything.
Should you tell her ???....maybe some day. Telling her today while she's carrying your child just seems incredibly stupid for all the obvious reasons. Lets forget about your high sex drive and need to get laid...while she's carrying your child. Lets forget about the possible damage or the ending of your marriage. Instead lets think of the unborn child. He/she could grow and develop in a stress free happy place (happy womb) or one completely stressed out, filled with anger,fear, rage, all the tears and hormonal responses that go along with that (unhappy womb). What would you want for your child?

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  #19  
Old 11-21-2011, 05:16 PM
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Dinged, it's nice to hear from a man about the common lack of libido in pregnant women and how guys deal.

I was that way as well, and also when the kids were small and oh so active. It was so exhausting (3 kids in 5 years) all I wanted at the end of the day was sleep. I felt a lot of guilt about it. Even when we tried to have sex, we were often interrupted by a little one somehow sensing it and waking up. Once I even went and got the baby, laid on my side, latched Baby onto the boob, and let my h take me from behind and just get it over with. Yay for 3ways! *rolleyes*

My ex confessed years after the fact that he went to a strip club a couple times on the way home from work, just to see a live sexual woman for a change. I was fine to find that out.

However, he never helped me with housework or cooking. If he would have done more of that, I might've had more energy for sex... but no, he was old fashioned and just wouldn't help.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #20  
Old 11-22-2011, 11:14 AM
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Hi everyone
Well, it was only a matter of time before she outright asked if I was ok and what was bothering me, I said there was quite a lot on my mind and I was figuring things out. I knew instantly I was going to have to tell her very soon as I couldn't leave anything like this hanging.
Later that night when we went to bed she asked again, so I told her. I can't tell you how hard it was, I had no clever speech planned out, I couldn't even think of the right words to say, "I think I am polyamourous".
At first she didn't quite get what I was trying to say, "so you fancy other girls - you are a man - whats new?" the "discussion" went from there, she got upset and said that I was basically telling her that I wasn't her ONE, and that I had fallen out of love for her. I did my best to explain how I loved her, she was my soul-mate, that I was very happy with her and our family and that I had no intention of leaving her, but that I could fall in love with more than one person at the same time. It was hard.
There was also discussion about my sexual frustration, I had to explain how I understood why she didn't want sex, but that I needed to let her know how hard it was for me, and that I had felt a bit pushed away.
In the end I think I had convinced her that nothing I felt for her had changed, that I did really love her and I had not cheated on her in the past and did not intend to.
The next morning I dropped the little lad to nursery and returned home to Z, we were both off and had planned to spend the day together. Before spending a lovely day in town we made love, cuddled and fell asleep together

I am not sure how it all sank in, time will tell. I feel better now, I can relax a bit more. At least we started talking and I am not hiding anything. I hope she understands or comes to understand.

I don't intend to pursue a relationship outside our marriage for a long time, if ever. Now is definitely not the right time, I have a huge amount of stuff to figure out in my head before I go there and I really do need to focus on what is ahead for our growing family.

One thing, Z's happiness is everything to me, I have made a commitment to her and I will not do anything to hurt her. That may be hard for me at times, but you can't always get what you want. Also what we have is a rare lasting love for one another, enough of a base to do well for our kids. That is certainly not something I take for granted.

For me this is not just about sex, its about falling for the person, wanting to spend more time with them and explore feelings. I did that with A, I fell for her and wanted to be with her, that feeling was strong and at the same time I was madly in love with Z I remember it was very tough for me to leave A then. A caught me by surprise, I had let myself get really deep feelings for her before I knew what was going on. There have been a couple of other people since but I had not allowed myself to get too close like I had with A.
There are lots of people I would love to just spend a night with but that's totally different.

Would I mind if Z had a relationship outside our marriage? I am going to say no, I think I realize now that if she fell in love with someone else then I would be ok with her dating. But it would only work with complete openness on all fronts. I have had to think about that one quite hard, but that's the answer I give myself. In fact thinking about it in this way makes me realize how complex a relationship change like that would be.

As for porn and the internet - these are the tools I use to balance out my very high and adventurous sex drive already

Now, off to put on MTV and do some housework....

Savage.
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