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  #11  
Old 05-15-2009, 02:34 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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Welcome
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  #12  
Old 05-15-2009, 03:08 PM
Goldhart23 Goldhart23 is offline
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Thank you! I do feel very welcome here. I've just connected finally with a second guy I've loved from afar for several years. I don't mean to diminish him by calling him "second," I just mean he came after my boyfriend. There is also a third interested, someone who has been a good friend for 6 years. Don't think I'll pursue that one, even though I love him, too, because he's married and they are not Poly. However, I explained Polyamory to him and he is going to talk to his wife about it. They've both had trouble with "cheating." Maybe they need to open things up. My boyfriend doesn't seem to be looking for anyone. Maybe it will just happen. I want him to be happy, too.
*Barb*
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  #13  
Old 05-15-2009, 07:51 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Welcome to the forum Barb. I think it's great that you guys are open and willing to try new things. Just know that this may or may not work out. Don't be dissapointed if it doesn't. I'm not being a naysayer, believe me. I'm a very succesful triad and rave about my lifestyle to anyone that will listen. LOL I just like to make it a point that this isn't always the answer to everyone's prayers. Know what I mean??

Use this forum and all of us for insight and advice. I can't count how many times I've said that I WISH that something like this existed when my wife and I first started in the lifestyle.
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Live life to the fullest 'cause you never know if you're gonna wake up tomorrow!
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  #14  
Old 05-15-2009, 10:15 PM
Goldhart23 Goldhart23 is offline
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Thanks, Danny. I have a strong feeling that this will work out for me, but I'm not so sure about my boyfriend. He's a bit resistant so far, but is afraid of losing me if he doesn't go along. I hope someone comes along for him, too.
*Barb*
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  #15  
Old 05-17-2009, 03:23 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Welcome to the forum!

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 05-18-2009 at 10:12 PM.
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  #16  
Old 05-17-2009, 03:34 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
Welcome to the forum Barb. Just know that this may or may not work out.
I love how you recognize this is not for every one.


Goldhart23

"I have a strong feeling that this will work out for me, but I'm not so sure about my boyfriend. He's a bit resistant so far, but is afraid of losing me if he doesn't go along."

I hope he finds appreciation in polyamory and does not just "go along not to lose you". This indicates no choice or option for him..and he always has a choice.

I am monogamous in my polyamorous relationship with Redpepper. I won't find someone else but I appreciate her polyamorous nature and am comfortable with the lovers in her life.

It would be unbearable for me to even try to just "go along" so I didn't lose her. I can't imagine a more constantly painful way to share in someone's love under that condition.

Make sure your boyfriend communicates and is true to himself…seriously, this is very important to his well-being

Hope it works out for you
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  #17  
Old 05-17-2009, 06:27 AM
Goldhart23 Goldhart23 is offline
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Hi and thank you Mono!

Yes, I don't want him to just go along with it, either. I'm trying to make him understand that I have no intention of leaving him, but he's still afraid another guy will "sweep me away."

I suggested that he could also have another girlfriend, but he says he's not interested. However, he had no problem stepping out of our relationship 3 years ago behind my back when another girl showed interest, so I think it's possible this could happen again with him. Only now he wouldn't have to hide it from me. Question is--would he be honest with me this time?

Back then, he also didn't want to lose me, so he didn't tell me until I found obvious clues what was going on. It hurt when I found out, but I decided that maybe he needed to do this for his own happiness...and as a growth experience (he hadn't had many women in his life). I was willing to stay with him while he went through this experience. He ended up leaving her after nearly a year. Now, he says he wants to stay with me through my experience because I didn't leave him back then, and because he loves me.

But he does feel somewhat hurt that I am physically with someone else. I think that's because he seems unable or unwilling to make love to me anymore. I've tried to figure out why not (i.e., he suffers from life-long depression but is not on medication; I had spine surgery 2 yrs. ago), but it seems if he were willing, he'd find a way. (When I ask him why not, he says he doesn't know). Anyway, it does make me wonder--am I really living polyamorously by loving and being physical with another man while still loving my boyfriend...or is my need for physical intimacy (denied me for the last 2 years) driving me to seek someone else out? I am in love with the other guy, so it seems like Polyamory, but I'm so new to this, I'm not sure what to call it (and is it still Polyamory when there is no sex with one of them?) I just know I love these two guys...but in different ways.
I just want to make sure I'm living with integrity. Any opinions on this?

*Barb*

Last edited by Goldhart23; 05-17-2009 at 06:32 AM.
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  #18  
Old 05-17-2009, 10:42 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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It's late so I will apologize for the brevity of my thoughts in some areas LOL!

"but he's still afraid another guy will "sweep me away."
- This is a normal feeling. The importance is that it is not the dominant one, which should be happiness and love. Doesn't discount it but puts it into perspective for me.

"am I really living polyamorously by loving and being physical with another man while still loving my boyfriend"

YES!! There are different approaches to polyamory, which go beyond dictionary definitions. The key for me hinges on your emotions for the other men. In my definition of poly you should have an emotional connection with them as well..otherwise it is just sex..that approach is more like an open relationship.

"and is it still Polyamory when there is no sex with one of them?"

Boy you will get different answers to this one!
To me this question is more about why you aren't having sex. In my humble opinion physical intimacy is the defining act, which pushes a deep relationship into the realm of polyamory. If you are not having sex because external factors are holding you back then that person can still be considered a lover, so again this seems like a polyamorous connection. If you simply don't desire each other intimately than I would call it a deep friendly relationship.

Good luck, I hope you find your path in this one.
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  #19  
Old 05-17-2009, 11:56 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Goldhart23 View Post
Question is--would he be honest with me this time?
I knew one couple that was into swinging. The only rule they really had was that they had to tell the other person when they slept with someeone. The woman found out her husband was cheating by not revealing who he was sleeping with, even though all he had to do was to tell her and it would be ok. This was a surprise to me.

So what i took from that was being in an open relationship doesn't necessarily mean people are truely open with each other.
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  #20  
Old 05-18-2009, 01:07 AM
Goldhart23 Goldhart23 is offline
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Yes, I am skeptical that he would be honest with me if he had another girlfriend or went back to the other one. He wants to hold onto me, and fears honesty will drive me away, even though it hasn't yet.
Thanks, Quath...I think you may be right.
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