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  #21  
Old 11-07-2011, 12:49 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Suziesue, correct me if I'm wrong, but both Bridget and Alan are your SO's. When you said that you feel bad that you may have hurt Bridget because you are seeing Alan, is that because you thinking that Bridget may be jealous of your relationship with Alan, in that she wants him to herself, OR that she may be jealous of your relationship with Alan, in that she wants you for herself?
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  #22  
Old 11-19-2011, 04:30 PM
suziesue suziesue is offline
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Hi BrigidsDaughter, sorry I didn't reply to this sooner, just trying to wrap my head around some stuff.

At the time I wrote those other posts I thought she was upset because she wanted him for herself. The alternative didn't even occur to me (what does that say about my self esteem?!). But, turns out I had it backwards.

Basically we had another big talk in which she told me she could care less who Alan slept with, but she wanted me to stop seeing him. She wants me to move back to live with her, and not have relationships with anyone else (though she didn't mind us occasionally having 'just sex' threesomes).

And I just don't. I can't do 'just sex'. I don't want to stop seeing where things are going with Alan. Its way too soon for me to be talking about moving, and I just don't feel this is working.

I told her, we cried, things between us are over.



I told Alan about it, and he expressed sympathy, and said it was probably better that we worked out that it wouldn't work between us sooner rather than later. And then used that as a conversation starter to tell me that he liked what we were doing but that he couldn't see himself having a 'proper relationship' with anyone right now, that it wouldn't be fair to, he couldn't give the amount of attention that he would want to (he does have legitimate reasons for not starting a relationship right now that I don't want to go into here).

I think before I started thinking about poly stuff I would have broken up with him at that point and called the whole thing done, because I do want a full on relationship with commitment and more time and attention and possibly living together at some point. But from everything I've been reading here and elsewhere on the subject, one thought stuck in my head about letting relationships be what they are, not forcing them to be something they're not. I really enjoy what we currently have as well. I have lots of reasons for wanting to keep things casual between us (distance etc.), I'm not really ready for a very involved relationship, and even when I am, it doesn't necessarily have to be with him.

I realize that the words 'proper relationship' aren't quite right, but I feel I lack the vocabulary to describe it. I sort of feel like we've agreed to have a sort of 'secondary' relationship while neither of us has a 'primary', acknowledging that we both want that kind of 'primary' relationship at some point, but that it might not be with each other? Does that make any sense?
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  #23  
Old 11-19-2011, 05:24 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by suziesue View Post
I realize that the words 'proper relationship' aren't quite right, but I feel I lack the vocabulary to describe it. I sort of feel like we've agreed to have a sort of 'secondary' relationship while neither of us has a 'primary', acknowledging that we both want that kind of 'primary' relationship at some point, but that it might not be with each other? Does that make any sense?
Absolutely that makes sense. To quote myself from another thread (hope that's not too obnoxious):
I interpret "secondary relationship" to mean "we care for and trust each other and we are intimate and we consider each other carefully when decisions are being made, but in the end we are not each other's mutual top priorities in life" and "primary relationship" to mean "we have all that other good stuff plus we are actively building a life together and putting our partnership before all others (barring any co-primaries)"

So, absolutely, you can have one or more secondary relationships without any primary relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. But good on you for going for honesty and communication in all the relationships, even when there's a cost. It's definitely the better route.
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