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Old 11-16-2011, 09:46 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Jax, FL, USA
Posts: 125

She supported you through a childhood trauma. Ok fine. That's what a good friend does. How long do you have to keep paying her back for that. That act of friendship being a reason why her behavior is ok taints it and makes it into something ugly. Being a good friend once doesn't give her the right to be a douche now.

Even if he'd been out as poly, his behavior STILL would have been dreadful because he should have been at the hospital supporting you. He let you down and you have the right to be angry about that.
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:55 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 36

I agree.
Your view of your friend reminds me of a child who has been chronically abused by a parent and fights to get back to the parent after being removed from the situation. It is what the child knows, even if they have comprehension that their parent has done bad things to them, they still feel loyal. Please don't think I am calling you a child, am just using an example that I have seen and it just happens to have been a child.
No matter that your friend was there for you back in the day, she has been more than making up for it over the years, in a really sick way. You deserve better than that.
Didn't mean to ignore your sexuality, wasn't aware of it....the intent and action on her part is the same, the orientation has zilch to do with it. Have you ever thought about why she targets your love interests? I guess it may be beside the point but it certainly is bizarre.
If and when you speak with Hubby, it might be a good idea to find out how long she has been dropping hints and trying to engage him. I'm not alluding that it is all her fault. I just wonder if she has been biding her time and latched on to him when he was most vulnerable. She reminds me of that movie, Single White Female. It is spooky how she goes after what she perceives to be yours. Please be very careful.
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:55 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Originally Posted by Amitrye View Post
Sorry. I probably should have clarified something. When I said she'd slept with my partners in the past- I meant my girlfriends.

Yep, no difference. Sleeping with someone else's partner is scummy no matter what, and as Minxxa said, once could be an unfortunate mistake but over and over... what the hell? That's either intentionally fucking up your life, or just a pathological lack of self-control.

I know she feels awful.

No, you don't, because none of us are mind readers. You may know that she's *saying* she feels awful. But look at her actions and think of it this way. Either she means it, but is too sick to stop hurting you like this, or she doesn't mean it but refuses to let you go from her life. Either way, what sort of friendship is that? You can care for someone but still not be willing to have them in your life if they're no good for you... that's just self-care 101.

I feel as though I owe her.

And I'm sure you've paid her back many times over. But your childhood was a long time ago, and the best thing you can do for her right now might just be to help her see that her actions have consequences.

As far as counseling goes, my mother recommended that my husband and I go already. I know that shouldn't upset me but it does. I feel like it means she's not on my side when I know that's not true.

Yep. We're on your side and we're saying the same thing. Your mom is just trying to help.

My mother says she's been taking advantage of me for years... but I don't see it.
Honestly it seems pretty clear. I don't know what else might be going on that your mom is seeing, but who *continuously* poaches their friend's lovers, when they're clearly capable of finding their own? I mean, who does that?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-16-2011 at 09:57 PM.
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Old 11-16-2011, 11:28 PM
Amitrye Amitrye is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 17

Well I picked up the phone finally and told her that we won't be speaking anymore. I'm going to have to stay strong and stand by that. It hurts me, but what was said here struck a chord with me. If she was really concerned for me, she wouldn't keep intentionally targeting the people I love.
I'm learning that although I am generally an independent person I have a codependent relationship with her. I've never been romantically involved with her, yet I am freaking out wondering how I am going to manage without her. I had no idea I was so needy.
I'll definitely be going to see a counselor.
I also talked to my husband. I'm seeing a counselor for ME- not for us- and I explained that to him.
I'm confused about whether or not I should divorce him, but I think I need more time to clear my head. I've told him to stay away from me for now... that does not include staying away from our daughter. That would be unfair to her.
He cried and said he wanted to go to counseling with me. I just don't feel that it would fix anything. I told him I need counseling and only he can know what he needs, but I have no intention of finding a Band-Aid for him to stick on this.
I feel that he has deeper issues, but I don't want to be that woman with her head in the sand. I'm not going to make excuses for him.
I told him: "One day when your actions match your words and you show your love as much as you profess it I may re-examine our relationship. If that day doesn't come, at least I will know I did the right thing."
Thank you all for your advice as I truly appreciate it.
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Old 11-17-2011, 12:56 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I am jumping into your thread a little late, but have just read it through and I think you are doing the right thing, cutting off the friend who fucked your husband. She sounds so selfish, self-centered, and maybe even somewhat obsessed with having what you have. So, good for you. Friends like that you can do without, though you may feel like you've cut off one of your arms. I feel for you in that regard, and sorry it hurts so much for you right now.

As far as your husband and marriage, I think it is best not to make any big decisions yet. Divorce is usually quite devastating even when it's for the best (I speak from experience). I am not saying that you should avoid that option just because it will be difficult, but rather that it is a huge step to take, so you want to arrive at it thoughtfully. You are absolutely heading in the right direction by entering counseling or therapy for YOURSELF, and not just to hold together a marriage with a Band-Aid.

Use counseling to get to know yourself more, look at and work on whatever issues you need to, build your sense of self-esteem, and find a place in the world that makes you happy - then see where he and the marriage can fit into your life. If your husband owns up to his mistakes and does his own self-work, and if it feels right for both of you, I see no reason why the relationship can't heal. People have bounced back from this and worse. But it just seems like it could be too soon to make a decision either way right now. Like you told him, if his words and deeds match, you can re-examine everything and make a choice. So, good luck with everything and keep us posted.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 11-17-2011 at 12:59 AM.
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Old 11-17-2011, 10:42 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495

Good for you for standing up for what you need. It's amazing sometimes how codependence sneaks up on you!

Counseling is the bomb, at least it has been from my experience. I've learned so much about myself the past few years, and it has helped me in many ways.

Originally Posted by Amitrye View Post
I told him: "One day when your actions match your words and you show your love as much as you profess it I may re-examine our relationship. "

I am often amazed at how people try to talk their way through things even while their actions express the direct opposite. And the truth is, actions are the most important thing, not the spin someone wants to give them.

My other fave is a sign I saw in my office the other day:

"You can't talk your way out of problems your behavior got you into."
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