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  #41  
Old 11-03-2009, 09:05 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Ahh horrible horrible typos. I'm so sorry yall!

P.S. Thanks Mono.
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  #42  
Old 11-03-2009, 09:11 PM
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Wow, roly' that's some depression! What happened to him?

Ilovetwomen, you rock. What you said and how you handled yourself are what I would of done. Thank you for summing up so well. You can figure out what happens next with the attitude you have.

It sounds like you put the ball back in his court and have made him decide. If he feels the need to ask for an ultimatum then what he is really saying is that he needs to decide between you or being alone again. You are who you are. You can't be anything else and you are at your best when you are being you.
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  #43  
Old 11-03-2009, 09:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If he feels the need to ask for an ultimatum then what he is really saying is that he needs to decide between you or being alone again.
Exactly!! So smart
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  #44  
Old 11-03-2009, 09:24 PM
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Redpepper, you got hit by a car??? Oh dear, I'm glad you're ok!

I think it was some form of Post-Traumatic Stress or something. I honestly don't know. It felt at the time more like a huge self-sabotage because he didn't actually want the responsibility of being in a relationship.

geez, I love how honest people are here! (I don't do well with ultimatums either. )
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  #45  
Old 11-03-2009, 09:52 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Thanks Redpepper. That means a lot coming from you. I have lurked since my original post. Soaking up as much as I can and I have found great advice and comfort in everything You, mono, and your husband have said. You give me hope for the future.
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  #46  
Old 11-03-2009, 11:58 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
In every relationship I've ever had - be it friends, girlfriends, business partners, whatever - it has been understood very quickly what my policy is regarding ultimatums. It is very simple: They who issue the ultimatum, loses it. You hand me a "her or me" ultimatum, and it's her, no agonizing, no bullshit, you made the decidio for me the moment you issued the ultimatum.

I never issue them and I never will. I learned that lesson early in life.
Exactly my policy-and my point. I take ultimatums seriously-if you are seriously that childish-you are too childish for me. End of topic.

It's not personal-it's life to me. I require myself to meet a higher standard, so I expect that those who are attracted to being around me will as well. If they won't that's ok-but they won't be around me. I won't give them an ultimatum, I'll leave.

Is it maybe an age thing figuring this concept out? Not to be rude or crass. Just wondering. .....
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  #47  
Old 11-04-2009, 02:45 AM
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What do you mean and age thing LR? A maturity thing in terms of communicating and knowing oneself? Or just maturity in dealing with ones stuff? That can denote a certain age sometimes I guess. Is that what you mean?
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  #48  
Old 11-04-2009, 03:16 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What do you mean and age thing LR? A maturity thing in terms of communicating and knowing oneself? Or just maturity in dealing with ones stuff? That can denote a certain age sometimes I guess. Is that what you mean?
I'm not exactly sure what I mean.

I guess I'm wondering if maybe it simply takes a certain amount of time before one has a full understanding of themself, their rights, their responsibiities etc.

OBVIOUSLY there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule. But I was thinking maybe it's an age thing in general?

I don't know. Maybe. I was kind of thinking out loud.

I was thinking about the kids (mine). They tend to be very self-centered when they are 2,3 years old, some kids through 4,5. But as they gain age they tend to start being more able to consider other people's needs/feelings.

I was thinking maybe that it takes a certain amount of time before one grasps that they don't have the innate right to demand (in terms of ultimatums I thought of this) others behave in a specific way.....
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  #49  
Old 11-04-2009, 01:14 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I'm not exactly sure what I mean.

I guess I'm wondering if maybe it simply takes a certain amount of time before one has a full understanding of themself, their rights, their responsibiities etc.

OBVIOUSLY there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule. But I was thinking maybe it's an age thing in general?

When I was in my 20's, I thought that statements like this were pretty condescending and a bit offensive, but as I get older, I realize that there is a certain amount of truth in it that just cannot be appreciated until you arrive at that point.
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  #50  
Old 11-04-2009, 03:31 PM
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I wrote in another thread about stages of children that I learned in our parenting class a couple of weeks ago. I was saying that age 21 (thereabouts) is actually the last stage of a child where they realize they are a "me" just like everyone else.

Sometimes people get stuck at different stages if their is a trauma of some kind that forces them to move into the next stage without fully experiencing the stage that they are at. They miss a stage of self development essentially and it repeats in adulthood. I suspect that this is what happens to some people when they give ultimatums.... perhaps they are simply unable to empathize with their partners because they have not gone through the stage at 6, or whatever, where they learned what happens when they demand attention from others or whatever.... am I making sense... *yawn* too early

Anyway *getting it together* in this case therapy revolving around getting the trauma worked out would move them out of being stuck in that stage.
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