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  #21  
Old 11-16-2011, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
If you read this before the lunch, I would just tell him you're not forcing him to choose anything. You're making your own choice about your safety.

He's saying that to be manipulative and make you feel that you're to blame. You are not to blame. He is, 100%.
Absolutely! He doesn't feel in control and is pouty because he is suppose to be the dom in your relationship. I think he lost that right when he put you in jeopardy. Good doms make decisions for subs with their consent and best interest in mind. He did neither.
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  #22  
Old 11-17-2011, 02:59 PM
BaconWrappedCupcakes BaconWrappedCupcakes is offline
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Well lunch went well. I chose not to discuss what has been going on because I just get upset and angry. I chose to enjoy the limited time we had to see if I could in fact enjoy his company once more. And I did because I care for him so much.

It will be close to two more weeks before we would have a chance to be intimate and I can't tell you how that is going to go. We have set up a few lunch and dinner dates in the mean time. I still have concerns of how I will feel when we finally do have sex, but I suppose I'm willing to risk it(hurt feelings) to at least try.
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  #23  
Old 11-17-2011, 03:20 PM
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Are you insane?
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  #24  
Old 11-17-2011, 03:24 PM
BaconWrappedCupcakes BaconWrappedCupcakes is offline
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Probably. I keep feeling like if I can 'forget' about her and focus on him that it'll get better.
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  #25  
Old 11-17-2011, 03:41 PM
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But HE is the one who abused you and totally fucked you over, not her. She may be an asshole, but he completely disrespected and devalued you. Can't you see that? He is untrustworthy and shouldn't be excused for his behavior. Why in the world would you even remotely think about being sexual with him again? HE LIED TO YOU. About something extremely, crucially important. The fact that a guy like that could be domming anyone is another reason why I find the whole D/s scene distasteful -- seems like there should be a test you should pass or an apprenticeship to undergo before being allowed to do it.

But you need to find a way to gather up all your sense of self-worth and look at this objectively, as if a good, close friend were in your position. What would you say to her? "Oh, no big deal, she's a nutty bitch and he was polite at lunch, so what if you get infected with STDs and STIs? So what if you didn't have all the facts about what risks he was taking? He's the dom, he is in charge. So, why not keep putting yourself in the position of doormat? I mean, you're submissive, right?" Wrong.

Have a little self-respect, hon. This guy doesn't deserve you.

Oh, and have you scheduled an appointment to get tested yet?
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-17-2011 at 03:56 PM.
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  #26  
Old 11-17-2011, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by BaconWrappedCupcakes View Post
Probably. I keep feeling like if I can 'forget' about her and focus on him that it'll get better.
SHE is not the problem.

Hey, it's your life. You may not have known what you were getting into before but you're now knowingly choosing to be with somebody who does not have integrity. At this point expecting him to act honestly and not risk your health is ridiculous, so you're going into this knowing he will lie to you and do things that might subject you to things that could hurt you.

And if you think he won't you haven't been listening to your own story.
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  #27  
Old 11-17-2011, 04:32 PM
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Ok, I feel the need to say we've been kind of inundated lately with stories of cheating and unsafe practices. Most of them have nothing to do with D/s. Yes, that's an aspect of the OP's situation, so it makes sense to factor it in, but most doms wouldn't act like this and most subs wouldn't take it. And there *are* tons of classes, books, seminars, and web resources out there on how to be a good dom (ALL of which focus on safety, respect, and consent, OP!!!), but I don't see some sort of official licensure process as being a likelihood any time soon (though that would be interesting). It's just a matter of trust and common sense, the first of which has been broken (as happens to so many couples) and the second of which is being ignored (the suggestion to think about what you'd say to a friend in this situation is a really good one).

OP, please do look out for yourself -- he's made it clear that he doesn't have your best interests at heart.
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  #28  
Old 11-17-2011, 04:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Ok, I feel the need to say we've been kind of inundated lately with stories of cheating and unsafe practices. Most of them have nothing to do with D/s. Yes, that's an aspect of the OP's situation, so it makes sense to factor it in, but most doms wouldn't act like this and most subs wouldn't take it.
Oh, I know, I know, I know, blablabla. Calm down, I get it. I was simply stating my opinion, and it is just my opinion, okay. You don't have to go around defending D/s every time someone cites something they don't like about it. I can hold two opposing views at the same time - my own personal distaste for it on one hand and understanding how it can benefit some people on the other. I was basically agreeing with you! Even though I have no D/s experience, it was pretty obvious that he was not domming ethically and with care and concern for the OP as his sub. I don't need to be scolded or schooled if I say D/s doesn't appeal to me because of someone who abuses his dominant position.

It is a factor in this case because he used it as an excuse to say she couldn't complain about his actions. Guys like him just add to the cringe factor for someone like myself who tries understanding the draw of that kind of arrangement. I cringe not so much about D/s itself but more about the kinds of creeps and damaged individuals that glom onto alternative sexual practices and wind up doing harm. Because of that, there is an extra need to be careful about who to be involved with, to stay safe. I can see that with the right people who have their heads screwed on straight, it can be safe and enjoyable. I think it's more a comment on societal attitudes toward sex in general that make practices like D/s (not just D/s, okay) appeal to people who aren't always as ethical or right in the head as they should be -- especially before entering into an agreement where they are dominating someone else. Ugh.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-17-2011 at 05:07 PM.
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  #29  
Old 11-17-2011, 05:18 PM
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Ugh yourself. You're right, we are totally agreeing. But I feel completely justified defending D/s and talking about the way I see it if you're going to take the time to tell the OP that you find her lifestyle distasteful on multiple levels ("another reason"). Yes it's your personal opinion and you're entitled to it but I don't see how mentioning your negative feelings about it here on her thread would serve *any* function except to possibly make the OP feel bad because you think the way she does relationships/sex is gross. I've been in her shoes in that regard. It doesn't feel good and it certainly doesn't make anyone more amenable to advice.
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  #30  
Old 11-17-2011, 05:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
...I don't see how mentioning your negative feelings about it here on her thread would serve *any* function except to possibly make the OP feel bad because you think the way she does relationships/sex is gross.
Now you're putting words in my mouth! I never said nor implied that the way the OP does relationships or sex is "gross." Come on now. In no way was I denigrating the OP.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The fact that a guy like that could be domming anyone is another reason why I find the whole D/s scene distasteful ...
Not much different from what you said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
... it makes me all the more upset because I wish people like him would stop giving D/s a bad name.
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